Did I say I have seen it all when it comes to driving in India? That was before Mumbai, formerly Bombay, which makes everywhere else I've been on this Silversea cruise around India on Silver Wind look amateurish when it comes to bad driving.
Not that the driving was my problem on my day in the city. I left that to my taxi driver Gurcharan Singh, who I promised to recommend if anyone is visiting the city. His car is clean and in good nick, he speaks English well and he'll make sure you see all the must-see sights (you can call him on 9821375607 but be prepared to bargain a bit!)
No. My problem was crossing the road to get from the cab to see the colourful fruit, veg and spices at Crawford Market. Going one way I sheltered behind a local who was making the death-defying trip; on the way back I was on my own. Thing is, they don't stop, but weave around you, leaving you an island amid all the cars.
In desperation I resorted to holding my hand up as a stop sign, hoping they would take pity on me. They didn't exactly stop, but as you see I lived to tell the tale.
Mumbai is an amazing place. If you visit be sure to go to the Dhobi Ghat, or laundry (below), where 4,500 people live and work keeping the 16 million citizens of the city clean. Gurcharan explained that smaller laundries, acting as agents, collect the washing and bring it to one like this. He claims they never lose anything.
You also have to see the Gateway of India, built 1911 to commemorate a visit by King George V and Queen Mary; the last British troops left India from here in 1948.
In the days of empire, this is where important people - governors and the like - disembarked after sailing from the UK with P&O; these days it's full of hawkers trying to sell you stuff or spin a bad-luck story so you'll hand over wads of cash. It's irritating but the way of the world here so grin and bear it - and hang on to your money!
The Taj hotel so badly damaged during the terrorist attack in November is just to one side of the gateway. They've done a great job fixing it up and it's good to see life going on as normal all around.
My tour took me into the red light district, past some of the famous Mumbai slums, now even more famous thanks to Slumdog Millionaire, and to the Victoria Terminus.
Like so much in India, the station has been renamed. It's now called Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Vaastu Sanghralaya. Don't panic, though, because like so much in India, the locals still call it by its original name. Can't think why.
And yes, they do still call Mumbai Bombay. "It's much easier to say," Gurcharan explained.
Jane Archer
