Cruise Lines

Forget the academic lectures and classical music that pass as entertainment on Swan Hellenic. What Minerva passengers really want, I discovered today, is a little death and destruction.

No sooner had the Man Overboard! cry gone up than every man, woman and, well, me, was at the port side of the ship, camera at the ready. Where is he? Where is he?

OK, so it was just an exercise, but it was more excitement than Swan usually allows in one day.

No sooner was the dummy in the water, than a rubber ring and orange flare followed, both to mark the spot. The ship started to turn and a boat was lowered into the water - "I suspect he's drowned by now," one woman commented as the boat inched its slow way down the side of the ship - and set off to rescue our hapless victim.

The pictures tell the story. My favourite is the last one. Having been saved from drowning, he is then asphyxiated by the flare.
 

After a horrible day rocking and rolling across between Alexandria and Benghazi, I am pleased to say the Med returned to it more usual millpond self for the journey to Al Khums, our second stop in Libya.

It's meant another day at sea and finally I've been able to get a taste of real life on Minerva - one where everyone does not walk around apparently drunk.

Like everyone else, that means I've done very little.

Sea days on Swan Hellenic's Minerva are quiet affairs. Everyone goes to the lectures so they can talk about them later over lunch or dinner; in between times they sit and read or chat, walk a mile or two around the Promenade Deck, have a go at the jigsaw in the library and send emails.

At least they try to. There are just three terminals, lined up in a row at the edge of the library and they go at a snail's pace (which is why you are having to do without links on these blogs, so my apologies for that). Judging by the constant moans and groans, a bit of modernisation wouldn't go amiss.

And of course the passengers eat. Non-stop it seems. About five minutes after 12 today, barely three hours after breakfast had finished, the pool deck was packed as everyone got in line for the curry specials executive chef Christian Wastl was serving outside. I waited an hour, not just for the queue to go down but to find somewhere to sit.

Was it worth it? Well, I guess it wouldn't have been so popular if it wasn't any good - or was it just that it was something new to do? - but the curry was too mild for me, even after a hefty dose of chilli was added.

Overall though, the food has been good and the service excellent. The barmen know my favourite drinks already and which cabin to charge. All I have to do is say yes please and thank you when the drink arrives - oh, and sign the bill as well, but prices are very reasonable and there are no gratuities added.

The lectures are the highlight for most passengers. I have been watching them, but on my cabin TV rather than going to the lounge as it's more comfortable and you can switch over if they get too heavy or detailed, which they tend to do.

"We only went to one today and it went on for far too long," a couple I met over lunch admitted after discovering that I too had been very errant in my education this morning. But there are only so many pictures of ruined vases and tales from the antiquities a girl can take.

I use the term advisedly, having been called the "girl" from the Telegraph yesterday. I pointed out I was neither a girl or from the Telegraph, but do write for the paper, but inwardly was rather flattered.

I guess it indicates the age of many of my fellow passengers, but I should say there are also quite a few younger people than on my last cruise with Swan. Put it another way, no one has asked me yet if I am the entertainment!

After a series of delays, caused first by rocky seas in the Mediterranean, and then by the Libyan authorities (of which more another time), my excursion from Benghazi to the ancient city of Cyrene finally set off.

Originally we were supposed to leave at 8.30am but our arrival in Benghazi had to be rescheduled when we lost time rocking across from Alexandria. As the morning ticked on, it was delayed again and again, until morning became afternoon and the authorities just ran out of reasons why we shouldn't set foot ashore.

So five hours after the original time we were supposed to leave and more than three and a half hours after the rescheduled one (if you're still with me), we were finally on our way.

A quick aside. As we passed the morning reminiscing about the bumpy crossing the day before, one woman revealed she made the mistake of saying she didn't think they got such bad weather in the Med. Apparently that was the cue for the "I remember when..." brigade to pop up - something they do with alarming regularity on Minerva.

But more of life on board this Swan Hellenic ship another day.

Mohammed, our guide, was very apologetic for the delay, said a few words about Libya's coastline and then did the unthinkable. Sat back and said almost nothing until we arrived at the site. In fact, he was at a total loss when one person asked if he could tell us about life in Libya. I was not alone in thinking the trip was going to be a disaster.

We were all wrong. As soon as we got to Cyrene, Mohammed (pictured below) came alive. He told me he was involved in the excavation work there for 40 years, in between working at the university, and was passionate and knowledgeable about everything to do with Greek and Roman archaeology.

He taught himself English - and Italian and a bit of French - because they don't teach any languages in school and now, having had to retire (62 and you're out in Libya), he takes the few tourists who get to Libya around the site.

Leptis Magna is the best-known Roman site in Libya, and we will be visiting there in a couple of days, but Cyrene has to be a very close second.

I won't go into the historical detail as you can look that up, but in a nutshell it was built by Greeks from Santorini, taken over by the Romans, destroyed during a Jewish uprising, rebuilt and destroyed again in an earthquake in 365AD which destroyed all the cities along the North African coast, which sank four metres.

The site is huge - and they have only excavated 20% of it - and there are some fascinating remains to see. Temples, columns, a huge gymnasium, which was built as a forum by the Romans, theatres, amphitheatres. Below is the Gymnasium, which became the Forum under the Romans, the running track, overlooked by the gods, and me with one of the remaining statues. Mohammed said they reckon up to 25,000 people once lived here.

What was as fascinating for me, though, was the three-hour drive there from the port, which gave just a small glimpse of life in Libya. Good roads, hardly any cars, no road signs (I am intrigued as to how anyone finds their way around), no arrows to indicate a bend or roundabout (so how do they know what to do), and just two pairs of traffic lights - and they weren't working.

As I am walking around the site, a voice in my ear says, "I remember when..." As I said, they pop up everywhere.

Getting to Alexandria and on board Swan Hellenic's Minerva was rather like a military operation, which was very fitting given my first excursion was to El Alamein, famous for the battle that proved the turning point of Britain's fortunes in the Second World War.

My flight landed in Cairo at 12.40am, by 1.15am I was in a car and heading out of the airport, 4am I checked into the Hilton hotel in Alexandria, 7am I checked out again and by 8am I was stepping on board Minerva. At 9am I disembarked again for the excursion.

It was a good two-hour drive from the port to the museum and cemeteries at El Alamein, which was a good chance to see what the countryside is like. Amazingly, it's almost one big building site, with one resort after another going up along Egypt's the north coast.

What was even more surprising was that they were all called Marina, which must be very confusing if you are trying to find your way back one evening, and that they all looked deserted. I know it is out of season - the chill wind bore testament to that - but there was no sign of life at all. To be honest, the area anyway looked so bleak, I can't imagine who would want to go and stay there.

That bleakness, without the hotels, is what met our army during the war. It's hard to think what the young lads must have thought about being stationed in an area many had probably never even heard of.

First stop on the excursion was El Alamein Military Museum, where there are displays of what life was like and some of the weapons that were salvaged. It was all done at a bit of a gallop, but was interesting, and then it was on to the British cemetery, where a wreath was laid and a prayer said for the people who died.

Some 7,367 men from Britain, New Zealand, Australia, South Africa, Greece, France and Malaysia are buried in the Commonwealth cemetery, which is beautifully looked after by the War Graves Commission; another 11,900 are names on the wall because their bodies were never found. It's a very moving sight. 

By now the wind was whistling across the cemetery so hard that we were almost blown back to the coach. "It's not usually like this," Farouk, our assistant guide, assured me (in Egypt, everyone comes in pairs, which is a brilliant way of keeping unemployment at a minimum).

Mind you, when he picked me up from the hotel that morning he said it was going to get into the 80s!

Two hours later I was back on board Minerva and at 6pm that evening, we sailed out of the port at Aexandria, leaving Egypt and on the way to Libya.

That's it for land-based blogs from me for a few days as I'm off to join Swan Hellenic's Minerva for a cruise around Libya.

I'm visiting three ports in Libya - Benghazi, Al Khums and Tripoli - then Corfu, Delos and Myknos in Greece, before flying home from Athens.

Remember to keep checking back as, Internet willing, I'll be posting details every day about the ship and the sights including Leptis Magna and Sabratha.

Norwegian Cruise Line has become the latest to cut back its Alaska capacity. blaming the rising costs of deploying three ships in Alaska and new legislation, in particular the $50 head tax.

Royal Caribbean Cruises is taking a ship out of Alaska for summer 2010, while Carnival Corp chairman and chief executive Micky Arison has threatened to "pull capacity" next year due to the tax and regulations. Carnival owns Holland America Line and Princess Cruises, which each have huge land operations in Alaska in addition to the cruises. Cruise West has already taken three ships out the Alaska area for 2009.

Instead of sailing in the 49th state next summer, NCL's Norwegian Sun will be based in Dover, taking over Norwegian Jewel's Baltic Capitals cruises from the UK.

"Here comes the Sun" NCL proclaimed as it released the news, putting a happy slant on the fact they are actually reducing capacity from the UK yet again next year. For summer 2010, after just two years, NCL is also pulling all its cruises from Southampton and repositioning Norwegian Jade in Venice.

Southampton worked well but cruises from Venice are more straightforward, I was told. As cruising from the UK is about as straightforward as it gets for the Brits, I suspect that means the Americans weren't too impressed with cruising from Southampton.

Norwegian Sun holds 1,936 passengers, while Jewel has capacity for 2,376. For summer 2010, Jewel moves to New York, from where it will be sailing various seven and 10-night cruises to the Bahamas, Florida, New England and Canada.

If your cruise is affected by the Sun/Jewel swap you can change to a comparable sailing but you need to be fast as transfers must be done by May 11. Call NCL on 020 7591 8007.

This has to be the perfect cruise for any budding Picassos out there. A seven-night Nile cruise-cum-painting holiday with Sherree Valentine Daines, billed as the face of Modern British Impressionism.

She will be giving painting lessons each day and be on hand to offer help and guidance to passengers trying to capture the scenes from the riverbank on canvas. There will also be a programme of daily excursions.

I can just about manage to paint a wall - one colour you understand! - so for me the best bit of this trip is that you'll be on a dahabiyya, a wooden sailing boat built to resemble vessels used in the 19th century by aristos doing the Nile tour.

I cruised on one a while back and they are superb. They have just six double cabins, hug the river bank as they sail, tie up away from the unattractive big boats ploughing up and down the Nile and the service is wonderful.

The cruise, departing October 18, is available from Bales Worldwide from £2,295 per person, which includes flights and transfers, all meals and drinks on the boat, sightseeing and painting lessons. See your travel agent, call Bales on 0845 057 0600 or visit the website.

Royal Caribbean International has finally rolled its My Time Dining scheme out fleet-wide, allowing passengers to escape the evening shackles of old and eat when they want while sitting with whom they want.

They've been trialing the scheme since early last year on selected ships, apparently keen to avoid mistakes made by other lines (I'm mentioning no names) where passengers opting the new flexible system couldn't get a table in the restaurant.

So what a surprise to see they are allowing guests who don't want to take their chances with being flexible to make bookings as that proved one of the big mistakes!

Unusually passengers can register for My Time Dining on board if they wish. Most other cruiselines require you to decide in advance so they can manage numbers.

Less surprising is that My Time diners have to prepay gratuities. It's the way Royal wants everyone to go. Which comes back to that thorny one when is a tip not a tip question.

Naturally fixed dining is still available for those who prefer the Soviet system of being told when to eat and who they have to be friends with.

There is also a new My Family Time Dining scheme, which promises to get children aged 3-11 fed, watered and back to the kids club in 45 minutes (escorted by a youth counsellor) so parents can eat undisturbed and the youngsters don't have to learn the art of dining out.

I'm not sure why mums and dads don't just take kids who want a quick meal to the self-service. Or is it just too much trouble for them?

A few weeks ago I posted a few pictures of Golden Princess, stripped bare and definitely not looking her usual elegant self.

Well after three weeks hard labour for the shipyard workers in British Columbia, the ship has re-emerged with a host of Princess Cruises latest signature features, including an adults-only Sanctuary and piazza-style atrium.

I've seen it happen loads of times, but the transformation in such a short time is amazing. You can check out the new-look Golden Princess here.

The ship is now back in action and cruising in Alaska.

These hungry fellows were the unusual guests at a little gathering this week organised by Swan Hellenic and Voyages of Discovery - the former to promote this winter's coming season of cruises to Antarctica, the latter to remind us of their fast-approaching first season of cruises to the Far East.

And no, you don't get too many penguins in the Far East - actually you don't get too many in London either, but we were all mustered in the Komodo Dragon House at London Zoo and Komodo Dragons, the largest lizards in the world, are found in Komodo, Indonesia, which is one of the stops on the Voyages of Discovery's route around the Far East.

Sir James Hodge, a retired diplomat and former ambassador to Thailand, was brought in for the evening to tell us what a fascinating region it is.

I was just about to suggest to Swan's managing director Colin Stone that Sir James would be a great lecturer for Swan - his short talk was informative but lively and humourous, unlike most I saw on Swan last week - when it transpired he has been snapped up by Voyages!

It was also confirmed that this will be Swan's last winter in Antarctica - the driest, coldest and windiest place on the planet but stunning too, so you really should go and see it before all the decent ships pull out - and after that it too is going East. You read it here first.

Talking of tips, here's something anyone who decides to opt out of pre-paying gratuities might like to know. The crew know who you are.

It appears a list of people who opted out of pre-paying gratuities on Carnival Cruise Lines' Carnival Splendor was posted in the crew area of the ship and spotted by an eagle-eyed passenger on one of the behind-the-scenes tour.

Naturally questions have been asked as to why this information is made public to the crew and if this affects the service these passengers receive (is this the Spit List? asks one Cruise Critic member, hopefully tongue firmly in cheek!).

Carnival Cruise Lines is one of very few cruise brands that has the pre-pay option. Royal Caribbean and Celebrity Cruises are others, and also Azamara Cruises, but there you can't opt out.

This list - and leaving it where passengers might see it - certainly makes Carnival look bad, but it is only the passengers who did not pre-pay gratuities, not those who have asked to opt out of tipping altogether by having the daily service charge removed from their cruise accounts (this is charged to passengers who do not pre-pay, but they can ask for it to be removed or for the amount to be reduced or increased).

The question is, is that list somewhere also for all the crew to see?

I'm sure a fair few passengers just don't want to pay tips at all but some - and I am one - will have opted out of pre-paying because they prefer to receive a service before they tip for it.

Either way, it shows something really needs to be done about this whole gratuities business. Cruiselines cling to it as a means of keeping fares competitive, but as with fixed dining, it's time for a change. And (most) have managed that after years of saying it could be done.

The best thing, of course, would be for all to bite the bullet and just build the service charge into the cruise fare. Job done, everyone is happy. Passengers who like to tip can still do so on an individual basis, those who don't, no longer have to worry about it.

Of course, we would need a ruling from on high to make everyone toe the line and not use it to gain competitive advantage at the expense of the crew, and it would have to work in all countries. But I'm sure it can be done.

The other alternative is for them all to follow Costa Cruises and simply make the service charge compulsory. It's added on to the account at the end of the cruise (so you're not paying in advance) and if you don't like it, tough.

Well, almost tough. Whether you like it or not, you have to pay on board and be prepared to put up a damn good fight from home if you want it removed. I imagine Costa hopes most people won't be bothered; I suspect they are right.

I was intrigued by news of a "no hidden extras" cruise on Marco Polo from Tilbury to the Norwegian fjords over the May Bank Holiday. Had they suddenly become all inclusive?

Actually, the news was that there are no gratuities to pay. Which is not really news as tips are always covered on Marco Polo.

It's still a great deal - from £549 for an inside cabin and £649 per person for a room with a view for an eight-night cruise. That's less than £70 or just over £80 a day, depending which cabin you go for, including all meals, entertainment and the tips.

You will have to pay if you want something to drink or want to take an excursion. But now you know, they are not hidden!

It's all change on the no-fly market from the UK again, with Holland America announcing it is to sail three cruises from Dover to the Baltic and Norwegian fjords next summer.

The line has been testing the UK waters with a couple of mini cruises from Dover on Eurodam - they are in July but sales have clearly been good enough for HAL's US lords and masters to agree to the longer cruises.

Interestingly, just a month ago I reported the line has been having its best year ever for sales in the UK. Not bad going in a recession!

The 2010 cruises will also be on Eurodam, which will be operating 12 and 11-night sailings to the Baltic on May 29 and June 9 respectively, each with an overnight stay in St Petersburg, and also an eight-night Norwegian fjords voyage on June 21. Prices start from £939 per person.

It's good news for the UK no-fly market, which is losing a lot of capacity next summer, when NCL pulls its cruises from Southampton and downsizes the ship it is sailing from Dover to the Baltic.

What next? I guess if things continue to go so well a full season of HAL cruises from the UK is not so unlikely.

One of the most unusual sights on Minerva are the inflatable Zodiacs that adorn the top deck of the ship. They've not been used on this Swan Hellenic trip around Egypt and Libya, but they are an essential piece of kit when the ship relocates to Antarctica for winter as they are the only means of getting ashore in the White Continent.

Minerva will be back there this winter - if you book now there are still cabins for £2,995 per person for departure in December, and that's with all flights, transfers, meals and drinks included - but it then joins the procession of ships that are quitting Antarctica.

Sister line Voyages of Discovery and Saga's Swan look-alike Spirit of Adventure are both pulling out of the White Continent this winter and sailing instead to the Far East, while Hurtigruten is cutting back to having one ship there.

Destinations do fall in and out of fashion, and it could be Antarctica has had its day for a while, but I wonder whether it's not also getting very difficult - and too expensive - to operate there, just as Alaska, which is also seeing a mass exodus of ships at the moment.

The environmentalists are keen to see all the cruise ships leave Antarctica, the US has been talking about tighter regulations and there has been a spate of potentially serious accidents recently, not least when Gap Adventures' Explorer hit ice and sank in November 2007.

A note I've had in my cabin about 2010 itineraries says the plans is for winter Minerva to sail to India and the Far East in winter 2010/11 - as I said, destinations come in and out of fashion and right now the east is hot stuff.

So hot, that Royal Caribbean International has not only decided that Brilliance of the Seas will stay in Dubai for a second season in winter 2010/11 - this before it has even completed one season cruising the Gulf states - but has added two 12-night itineraries that will be calling at Mumbai, Mormugao and Cochin in India.

Having just been to all three ports with Silversea, I admit to being more than a little intrigued by what Royal passengers will make of them. And indeed what the locals will make of Royal passengers.

But back to Swan. Before Minerva embarks on its as-yet-not-finalised Far East tour, it will be spending summer 2010 back in the Med and Northern Europe, sailing from Dover, which is good news for anyone not keen on flying.

The ship will be back in Libya in May and November; in July there's a lovely (if, like me, you love France) French Vintage cruise, with five ports in France including an overnight in Bordeaux; in September, there's a Venetian Republic cruise from Naples that includes a transit of the Corinth Canal. I've never been through but the pictures of ships going through with inches to spare fascinate me.

Minerva will also be making a return visit to Jeddah, in Saudi Arabia, as Minerva sails from Aqaba to Dubai. I suspect the rules and regulations there - and the much stricter alcohol policy - will make Libya look like chicken feed.

You can find out more at Swan's website or call reservations on 01444 462 180 for more information.

Nearly 48 hours after leaving Tripoli, Minerva reached Greece yesterday, tying up in Heraklion, Crete, just before lunchtime. Today's blog should have been all about Knossos, which was the main attraction we all trooped off to see.

My coach started with around 20 people; by the end of the tour we had dwindled to seven as people got bored, fed up, older passengers were unable to cope with the steps and so on. Back on the coach I overheard the woman behind me say: "So that was Knossos; I won't be going there again."

I stuck with the tour through to the bitter end, sure there must be something really good lurking around one of the corners, but I think we had all been so spoilt on this Swan Hellenic cruise by the wonderful sights in Libya.

So I will just say Knossos is the site of an old Minoan palace, destroyed in the 14th-century BC, when the Minoans - who came from the Middle East - also died out, and tell you instead some more about the passengers on board Minerva.

There are 347 of us - including the lecturers and their wives - so the ship is pretty full (it holds a maximum of 352).

I have met one other Hebridean refugee - regulars readers will remember I was supposed to visit Libya last month on what as then called Hebridean International Cruises, before the company sold the ship - and she tells me there is at least one other couple who were saved by Swan, possibly a few others but we have not found them.

Most of the people I've met are charming, well-cruised and well-travelled sorts, quite elderly, but I heard tonight there is a couple on their honeymoon.

Many have only ever cruised with Swan Hellenic and have no desire to try another line; a few are happy to shop around. Some have been on since Mombasa and came through Pirate Alley; this morning I met a couple who have been on for seven weeks, since Minerva left Cape Town in South Africa.

Another couple I met today were on a Spirit of Adventure cruise I did around South Africa a couple of years ago (SoA, by the way, is a Swan lookalike, started by Saga, but for all ages, when it looked like Swan would disappear for ever).

We were happily reminiscing about the day we were supposed to visit Durban, but it was so rough that the pilot, who risked all to get on board, had to be winched off by helicopter. We never got to Durban and finally ended up in Maputo, in Mozambique, which I now feel able to happily strike from "must-visit" list (note - actually if you never go there it won't be a great loss!).

As Walt says: "It's a small world after all."

This morning Minerva docked in Tripoli for the third and final call to Libya on this Ancient Wonders cruise on Swan Hellenic.

The excursion options today were between Sabratha, another ancient Roman city, or the Jamahiriya Museum in Tripoli. There was also a coach transfer to the city, to spend a couple of hours in the medina.

That last option was tempting, but I was finaly won over by the thought of seeing the theatre at Sabratha. It was rebuilt by the Italians between 1926 and 1936, is still used for concerts (Mussolini attended the first one in the reconstructed theatre in 1937) and is simply stunning.

As I saw it for the first time I was reminded of my Ephesus moment, when I saw the façade of the ancient library there for the first time, and the fact that it was reconstructed as opposed to having survived the centuries did nothing to detract from it for me.

Our guide Toriq explained that the three levels were for the different roles being played by actors. If they were playing gods, they were at the top, if they were emperors they were in the middle and ordinary folk were at the bottom.

The centuries have not been as kind to Sabratha as they were to Leptis Magna and you do need to use quite a bit of imagination (and Toriq's books) to picture things as they were.

For instance, this was the main road in Roman times, stretching from Carthage in Tunisia to Alexandria in Egypt. About 3,000km. Not quite the M25 is it?

Now that we have left, here are some final thoughts about Libya.

It was somewhere I'd always wanted to go, to see the ancient Roman sights, and I was certainly not disappointed. The sights were wonderful, and I was also very impressed by the guides, who all spoke good English and really knew their stuff, and by the coaches, which all had air-con (sometimes too much) and were in far better condition than many I've been on in America.

Mind you, they obviously haven't got many as the same coaches and drivers - and actually the guides as well - were at each port.

It is incredible - and amazing - that at all these ancient sites you can clambour over the remains to get that perfect picture and touch the mosaics and no one tells you off! It's so very refreshing.

But there are some frustrations. The delay I mentioned in Benghazi was caused by the authorities insisting everyone on the ship - passengers and crew - have their temperature taken to make sure we were not harbouring swine flu.

That's fine, but the helpful thing would have been for the immigration lot to clear the passport side of things while the medics did their bit. It seems that was asking too much. As a result, my feet did not touch Libyan soil until 1.20pm that day - more than four hours after we had docked.

Once we were back at sea, Hugh Leslie, our cruise director, thanked us all for our cooperation with the medical checks and said the chief medic had said "only the British" would have submitted to that in such good humour. Was it a test or am I being too cynical?

Also, because Libya is a strict Muslim country with no alcohol allowed, bars have to be locked while ships are in port. At least that's the theory. In practise, anything can happen.

In Benghazi they allowed the bars to open, in Al Khums they not only had to be locked but stay shut for the overnight cruise to Tripoli, and only open again once our ropes were cast and we were away from the land.

The no-alcohol rule is hardly a problem, but I can see it would annoy less-tolerant people than the lot on this cruise - and of course it's not great for cruiselines that rely heavily on sales of booze.

It's a fabulous destination, but ready to take its place on the cruising map? I don't think so. It's been hard work for the shorex team on Minerva so full marks to them for getting it all sorted - and still smiling at the end of the day!

I've only heard passengers on this Swan Hellenic cruise around Libya moan about two things so far.

Many are missing Minerva II, the ship which replaced the one we are on now when Swan was owned by Carnival. It's an interesting turnaround, as on my last cruise with Swan, in June last year, Minerva II was almost a dirty word.

And just as many - the men, I should add - are really fed up they didn't spot a single pirate coming through the Gulf of Aden.

Somehow I don't think they are joking either. "A bit like going to Antarctica and not seeing any penguins," one whispered to me.

I have visions of them all with walking sticks at the ready (hopefully not the chairs and tables on the pool deck, as used by the passengers on MSC Melody, as there are not enough to go around as it is), ready to fend off any bandits.

That's the kind of spirit that made Britain great!

Judging by the comments on the coach, today's visit to Leptis Magna was not just a dream come true for me. "I've been wanting to come for so many years," one passenger told me later. "Fabulous."

That one word just about sums up Leptis Magna, in the city of Al Khums, about 15 minutes by coach from where Minerva tied up this morning for our second stop in Libya on this Ancient Wonders cruise with Swan Hellenic.

Today there was no messing about with the Libyan authorities and we were off the ship within 30 minutes of the scheduled time and on site before 9.30am, which gave us a whole morning to do justice to the place.

It's an enormous site, founded by Phoenicians, once ruled from Carthage and finally Roman (that's the very abbreviated version, by the way, because I got very lost somewhere in the 4th century BC).

It became a colony of Rome in 109AD but really shot to prominence in 193, when Lucius Septimius Severus, who came from Leptis, became Emperor of Rome, and set about turning his home town into a city to rival any other along the North African coast.

What's so amazing about this place is how much has survived the centuries and attacks, first by the Vandals and then by the Berbers.

Our visit started at the baths, where there are the usual hot, cold and tepid rooms, all once covered head to toe in marble and heated by the fuel produced from the residue of olive oil manufacture, according to our guide Ziad, and what must be the most public public loo in the world, with seating for 70 people.

In front of the toilets there is a channel with clean water for washing - except just how clean it was after 70 people had been using it is anyone guess.

From there we walked through the sports ground, past the Nymphaeum, where once there was a fountain (water, nymphs, geddit?), into the colonnaded street, once lined with covered shops, and then into the Forum - a huge area measuring 60 metres by 100 metres and in Roman times with two storeys.

We also visited the Severan Basilica, the harbour (experts reckon it was only just finished when the 365AD earthquake hit so was actually never used), the market and the spectacular theatre. This is me in the plebs' seats!

Apparently the 1957 film Legend of the Lost, starring Sophia Loren and John Wayne, was filmed in Leptis Magna and gives a good picture of what it looked like before all the statues were removed for safe keeping. I suggest Blockbuster dusts off its copies as there'll be a rush on when we all get home next week.

What was almost as interesting as the ruins was the number of locals milling around the site. There were teenagers hanging out and what seemed like hundreds of school kids, all smiles and laughing, who were definitely more interested in trying out their English on us than learning too much about the history.

I was also enthralled by the immaculately-dressed traffic cops stationed at the busy junctions between the ship and Leptis Magna. At one junction, he had our coach and two cars to cope with. On leaving the site, I noticed three cars had been halted to allow us to pull out.

A tough job but someone has to do it!

You've got to hand it to MSC Cruises for a worthy attempt at putting a positive spin on the fact they have changed course and will now be cruising up the west coast of Africa to avoid another encounter with the Somali pirates.

MSC Melody was attacked by pirates last month; a potentially serious incident was averted thanks to the quick thinking of a few passengers who spotted the bandits trying to board the ship and threw deck chairs and tables at them.

To avoid another such incident, MSC Sinfonia will be sailing "exciting" (so the missive says) new itineraries around West Africa, calling at Morocco, Senegal and Namibia.

I gather gather sand-boarding in Namibia is good fun but none can replace the amazing sights in Jordan, Yemen and Egypt that you visit by cruising though the Gulf of Aden.

Be interesting to know what the passengers think, especially after meeting the gung-ho lot on Swan Hellenic who were so disappointed to have sailed through Pirate Alley and not seen a single miscreant. I'd say that was the Brits for you, except for this report on Silversea's venture through the pirate-infested waters.

I see disgusted from Tunbridge Wells has been monopolising the message boards on Cruise.co.uk, getting in a sweat (or is that also deemed too disgusting) about Ocean Village's show Fever and a swingers cruise on a Carnival ship.

What an incredible bunch of prudes!

I do wonder if some of the comments about the swingers cruise are for real. Sam asks "Who would want to go on the ship now they know what it has been used for?"

What on earth does he think hundreds of other couples do on cruise ships to pass the long nights (and the days as well if all the "do not disturb" signs on doors are anything to go by!).

As for Fever, I'm still baffled how anyone could take offence. I saw it with my daughter, then 13. Her verdict: that it was rather tame. She had been especially looking forward to it after I was warned it might be unsuitable for her young eyes!

Actually it was just a good show, a bit different from the norm. A shame that Williams, who branded it raunchy and started the whole debate, never even bothered to go!

While on the subject of wind, this excerpt from a review on Cruise.co.uk is for all those who dismissed my qualms at the thought of crossing the Bay of Biscay in rough weather on Royal Caribbean's Independence of the Seas when it starts its winter cruises from Southampton.

For the largest cruise ship in the world surprised at the lack of stability in rough weather. Whether this was the result of an economy measure or cruise schedule in not utilizing the ships stabilisers which adds to the fuel consumption and slows progress, is not clear, as there was very little feed back by the Captain or ships crew. By the end of the cruise the ship looked like a hospital ship by the number of walking wounded.

You know who you are!

A team of experts is reviewing how wind might impact the guest experience on Oasis of the Seas.

A quick word with the chef surely would suffice?

And then I realised it's not that sort of wind.

The next Oasis webisode from Royal Caribbean will feature the cruiseline's engineers, partners and designers reviewing and deliberating how the wind might impact passengers on the outer decks while the world's largest cruise ship is at sea.

Before you get too excited, you'll have to wait until tomorrow to see the cruise buffs discuss the solutions and testing process the 220,000 gross tonnage ship has undergone.

So that's it. It's official. The first vessel in the new TUI Cruises fleet really is called Mein Schiff (my ship), a moniker chosen in a "name-that-ship" contest. And it's painted large on the side, just so no one forgets.

TUI Cruises, which is aimed at the German market (guess the name gives that away), is a joint venture between Royal Caribbean Cruises and TUI AG.

Mein Schiff, which holds 1,914 passengers, was the former Celebrity Galaxy. It's had a 38-day makeover and will be sailing the Baltic this summer, and from Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic in winter.

My question is, what happens if they add another vessel. Does it become Mein Schiff Zwei? Or Mein Anderer Schiff? We could start the contest now.

I can't believe it's been almost a week since I disembarked Swan Hellenic's ship Minerva - high time for my final thoughts about my cruise around Libya.

The one thing I didn't mention much in my daily blogs was the crew, so I will make up for that first. They are a lovely crowd, friendly, courteous and always willing to stop for a chat if they have time.

I must single out Bella, my room stewardess, from Odessa in the Ukraine, who was so caring and thoughtful - ordering me a few nibbles when she knew I was having drinks in my cabin, worrying about my wereabouts when she spotted my cabin was empty late at night, after the excursion to Cyrene.

I was actually in the library, one of the only wi-fi hot spots on the ship, posting blogs and sorting emails; she had visions of me still on the quay in Benghazi!

Also, apart from tidying a few clothes, she left my things were I'd put them. How annoying is it when you put your suncream or toothpaste in one place and they move it, or they keep tidying papers you have carefully put in separate piles into one stack.

There are too many crew to mention every one I came into contact with, but I will also single out Kennedy, the assistant maitre d' in the Veranda self-service, who was so concerned about my well-being on the day we hit bad weather, and Michael, in the bar, who kindly served a drink late one night in the library (see above!) while I was working - and had the sense to come back later and ask if I'd like another!

The excursion team also did a great job, smoothly disembarking everyone at each port deck by deck to avoid queues at the gangway - but always varying the order so everyone got a chance to go first - and being on hand at each site to get passengers on the next coach to get back to the ship. It's a slick operation and usually means very little hanging around.

Excursions, which are mostly included in the price (there are a few that cost extra, but very reasonably priced), are an important part of the whole Swan experience so getting these right is vital. And they do, in spades.

The open dining in the evening is also important for Swans, as it means they can move around tables, meeting new people, or just go down for dinner as a group one night. The food overall was fine, but not great. There were moans about it, but to be honest what was on the plate was always far less important than the conversation going on around it.

Last but by no means least, Swan would not be Swan without its lectures. There were three on the sea days and they often managed to sneak one in an afternoon if we left a port early.

As a very rough generalisation, I would say from my conversations with other passengers that almost everyone goes to the lectures when they first get on board, then the numbers slowly start to fall so the room is full rather than packed.

I did watch a few and one or two were of interest, but personally I found the presentation dry. Full of facts, but assuming a level of knowledge that I for one did not have when it came to the ancient civilisations, and lacking any light and dark. My solution, as I mentioned before, was to watch in my cabin so I could turn over if things got too dull.

On the positive side, you could always get a seat in the sun around the pool during the lectures - the trick was to hang on to it when the talks were over!

Libya itself, which was the reason I was on this specific cruise, was magic, with amazing sights and friendly locals - the school kids at Leptis Magna especially were enthralled to see so many tourists. Even the immigration people had a smile and hello if you bothered to greet them.

If you ever get a chance, do go. It won't be like that forever.

It was another day of wind and rain - and even hail - in Norway yesterday, but everyone on Ventura was being very British about it, dusting down our stiff upper lips and bringing out the rain coats and umbrellas that have been as vital to the packing as the formal gear on this cruise of the Norwegian fjords.

This being Norway, the weather could have gone either way. Captain Keith Dowds was really delighted when the pilot bade him farewell the other night with the words, you should be here next week, when apparently a ridge of high pressure is on its way.

"I really didn't want to hear that!" the captain admitted, having just had to cancel our call to Alesund due to high winds.

It's not just that bad weather upsets plans - and stomachs - but it can also be very costly. About a dozen coaches, each with a driver and guide, were waiting for our arrival into Alesund that never was. They still have to be paid, but not with passengers' money as the cost of the missed excursions had to be refunded. And then there were the extra port fees for Olden.

As I forecast - actually it was supposed to be in jest - a few people have tried the "I only came on this cruise for Alesund" trick to try to get some money back. I think they have been told where to go, politely of course. This is P&O after all.

Stavanger, the last port on this P&O Cruises voyage, turned out to be an sweet little town (well actually it's the fourth largest city in Norway), but fairly dripping money thanks to the oil and gas industries.

My daughter got very excited when she found an H&M and Mango, but instead of allowing her time for shopping, we dragged her off on a boat excursion along the Lysefjord to see the Pulpit Rock (that's the one high above a fjord, open on three sides, always pictured with people sunning themselves on the top).

There were a few disappointed faces when we finally reached the rock (it's the one with the flat top to the right of the picture). Did we really get so wet to see something so small?

No matter. It was a nice trip through the scenic islands around Stavanger and we also got to see three goats that live on a patch of grass at the foot of the rock (I never quite worked out why they were there) and so close to a waterfall that they filled a jug and handed around cups of water for us to taste.

We arranged our boat trip ashore, but P&O does sell excusions to the Lysefjord and Pulpit Rock. I see their excursion booklet warns the rock will look small because it's such a long way up. Just proves you should always read the small print!

Back on Ventura, the ropes were cast and we headed back out to the North Sea for the return run to Southampton.

Last night, after my first dinner in the dining room, I just caught Elton John and Dusty Springfield performing in the Havana Lounge. Not the real thing, you understand, but a couple of tribute acts. Elton, aka Jimmy Love, was actually quite good, Dusty, aka Maxine Mazumder, was blond, which was probably a good thing as just a couple of days before she had been Lulu.

Coincidentally, the real Lulu will be performing on Fred Olsen's Boudicca in November. I hope she is a little more authentic!

If you go down to your travel agent today, you're sure of a pleasant surprise.

For three days only, Norwegian Cruise Line is giving away thousands of dollars in on-board credit to anyone booking 2009/10 cruises in the Caribbean, Alaska, Europe, South America, Panama Canal and Canada and New England.

The only requirement is that bookings be made through agents.

You'll get $50 per stateroom for a three to five-night cruise, $100 for a six to nine-night cruise and $200 for cruises of 10 or more nights. The credit can be redeemed against shore excursions, spa treatments or dining.

Itineraries in the three-day sale include a 14-night Mediterranean Escape from Southampton on Norwegian Jade departing July 12 2009 that costs from £1,039 per person, and a 12-night Baltic Capitals cruise round-trip from Dover on Norwegian Jewel departing on 9 July 2009 from £1,119 per person.

It took four hours on Monday for Ventura to sail down the Nordfjord to Olden, which turned out to be a pretty little village that has only made it on to cruise itineraries because it's a good place from which to go and visit the Briksdal Glacier.

Judging by the packed theatre on the ship last night, no one went ashore to sample the nightlife, which somehow didn't surprise me. As overnight ports go, it's not really up there with Venice and Barcelona, especially not when you have to take out a second mortgage for a drink. Thinking about it, though, you have to do that these days in both those cities too.

Anyway, I can't see P&O adding Olden to its selection of iconic overnight ports.

But as they say, any port in a storm - and I for one appreciated taking cover there instead of killing time going round in circles on the North Sea.

Naturally, my family and I had to go to see the glacier, but rather than just take the walk-there-and-back excursion, we took one that threw in a boat ride on the lake in front of the ice.

It cost more but was a good move, even if it meant putting on a silly hat, wellies and a very tight lifejacket, and enduring daft questions ("is the water cold?") and Titanic jokes as we paddled through the ice.

We had a great guide who was able to tell us all about the glacier. Back in the mid-90s, it extended over what is lake today. It shrank back to roughly where it is now, but apparently is starting to grow again so the boat trip could once again become a glacier trek.

If our collective paddling efforts are anything to go by, that might not be a bad thing.

At 7.40 Monday morning, just as we were expecting to see the port of Alesund on this P&O Cruises' voyage around the Norwegian fjords, news came through from the captain that it was too windy to dock Ventura.

As the ship was shivering and shuddering and the sea was grey and stormy, I was not too sorry to hear his next announcement - we were going into Olden, our next port, a day early and staying overnight. As the town is down a long fjord, we would be in calm waters and protected from the worst of the wind by the high mountains on either side.

Needless to say, my teenage daughter managed to sleep though the announcements, even though they were made into the cabin. When she finally came to soon after 9.30, she was a little baffled that there was no sign of land out the window.

I brought her up to date on the day's news, adding that while there didn't seem much to see in Alesund, I was quite sorry not be going there because "sometimes it's nice to see new things even f they are not interesting".

"A bit like Fujairah really," she said, smiling, remembering they were the words of the receptionist on Costa Victoria when we were cruising the Arabian Gulf in January.

I'm now just waiting for the first compensation claims from passengers on the grounds they "only came on this cruise because they wanted to go to Alesund".

It's a shame the weather has turned on us as yesterday in Bergen was quite pleasant. We planned to take the funicular up to the top of Mount Floyen, to get a good view down over the town, but unfortunately half of Norway had the same plan (it was a Sunday) and after calculating we would queue for an hour for the seven-minute ride to the top, which was a little too disney-esque for my liking, we - daughter and partner - decided to walk.

So there we were, puffing our way up the hill while locals who looked twice our age came sprinting past. It's back to the Wii Fit for me if I ever get home long enough!

The views from Mount Floyen were stunning, as was the price of a drink at the top - £7 for a 40cl beer. "You'll have to stick to drinking on the ship," Mark said. A pint on Ventura costs £2.90.

Of course, Norway is renowned for its expensive booze, but I did a piece in the Telegraph recently proving that across Europe it's cheaper to drink on board than ashore now the value of sterling has fallen through the floor.

The cruise lines must be rubbing their hands with glee!

After a fleeting glimpse of home last Friday - about three hours! - I left again, this time bound for Southampton and a one-week cruise to the Norwegian fjords on P&O Cruises Ventura.

It promised to be a bit of a shock. Temperatures in New York had been in the early 80s; the Norway weather forecast was for fleeces and raincoats weather. Well it is only the end of May!

Ventura was berthed at Southampton's new Ocean Terminal. "It's where Titantic sailed from back in 1912," I told a passenger in the lift as we got on board. "I don't think that's what people want to hear," my daughter whispered as we got out.

The terminal is very spacious, inside and out, which means the meet-and-greet parking works much better than it did at the Mayflower terminal, but the passenger flow is poor.

There must be at least 20 check-in desks, but all the checked-in people then have to get through just five security scanners, which created long queues. All the scanned passengers then had to get past one man on the gangway checking they were in possession of a ship's card, which created yet another bottleneck.

We finally made it to the cabin in time to pick up our lifejackets and exit again for the lifeboat drill. Strangely, our muster station was the corridor outside East, the Asian restaurant, which was fine for most of us, but I spotted a few elderly people with walking difficulties who were desperate to sit down.

Day one was spent crossing the dreaded North Sea. Dreaded? It was like a mill pond and there was even some sunshine in the morning, although it was several degrees too cold for me to think of sitting outside. Nevertheless, I did venture out and up to deck 19 to have a go at the bungee trampoline.

Unlike when I did it last July, there were quite a few kids (and adults!) queuing for their turn, and others trying their hand at juggling and stilt walking, which was good to see. I still didn't quite manage to do a somersault - a rather scary move that involved having to throw yourself backwards.

"Try later in the cruise, after you've had another go," Nicole, from the Circus School, suggested. I smiled and nodded but she has got to be joking!

You've no doubt already seen news that The Blue Man Group will be performing on Norwegian Cruise Line's new ship Norwegian Epic.

I was one of the lucky few from the UK to go out to a steamy New York (temperatures in the early 80sF) for two nights this week to hear first hand the last big news about what is going to be on board this mega 4,200-passenger ship when it launches in July 2010.

Our first full day started with a trip to the Top of the Rock - the observation deck at the top of the Rockefella Plaza. The original deck's design was inspired by the ocean liner's of the era (there's the cruiseing link!), complete with deck chairs.

They've long gone - the Observation Deck was shut for 20 years and reopened in 2005 after renovation work - but it's definitely worth a visit if you're in town, for the magnificent views.

The guys from NCL laid on a great event, attended by around 300 journalists and travel agents, following the presentation about the new entertainment with a cut-down version of The Blue Man show in the delightful little theatre in Astor Place where the blue thing all began. There is still a show there, but it's now also in six other venues around the world.

The show is certainly different and will no doubt be very popular, but it's not to my taste. Instead, I'm looking forward to the new Cirque Dreams and Dinner, where you eat while watching a two-hour show featuring acrobats, jugglers, contortionists and the like.

NCL's executive vice-president global sales and passenger services Andy Stuart promised he wasn't joking when he said performers will be coming down from the ceiling to refill diners' water glasses!

If it's anything like the great theatrical dining experience in NCL's Teppanyaki Room they are on to a winner here.

There will be two set-time dinner shows a night on at least six days of every cruise, in a venue themed to look like a rather garish big top.

Just so they can say it's the first big top at sea, I guess.

Seems MSC Cruises has pulled a fast one on journalists, reporting that MSC Fantasia was to be used to host the 2009 G8 summit in July when all the while the shipyard in St Nazaire was scrambing to make modifications to the yet-to-launch sister ship MSC Splendida, which was actually going to host the event.

But now the Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi has pulled a fast one on MSC and decided instead to hold the G8 in L'Aquila, in the Abruzzo region, which was so devastated by the earthquake in April.

Or has he? Could this be another blind?

MSC's chief executive Pierfrancesco Vago has taken the news well, especially considering all the alterations have already been made to Splendida, telling Seatrade Insider he is disappointed but understands the decision.

"Now we will be able to sell the suite as the one President Obama may have slept in."

Nice one. 

After a whole two days at home, I was off again - this time back to New York to join Cunard's Queen Mary 2 for a transatlantic cruise back to the UK.

Surprise number one. I got in a cab at JFK Airport and asked for the cruise terminal in Brooklyn, only for the taxi driver to ask me where it was. I replied that I was kind-of hoping he would know, but said I did remember it was near Brooklyn Bridge.

Thanks to heavy traffic and several wrong turns, what should have been a $40-ish ride, according to a piece of paper thrust in my hand at the airport, the meter ran up $70. "I never even knew this was here and now I do," the driver enthused. Rather wish it had not been at my expense.

Surprise number two was that on boarding (an incredible 15 minutes from walking into the terminal to walking onto the ship, which has to be a record), there was no one escorting passengers to their cabins - or staterooms, as Cunard likes to call them.

I actually like finding my own way but I had expected ranks of crew waiting to show passengers the way given Cunard prides itself on being so traditional.

Over the next week, internet willing, I will be reporting back from the ship as well as keeping an eye on other things happening in the world of cruising, so keep checking back.

A lot has changed on Ventura since I was on the ship in July 2008 - all of it for the better, I'm pleased to say.

I must admit I decided to have another cruise on Ventura with slight trepidation. Sure, P&O told me they had ironed out the problems they were having with Freedom dining and sunbeds (or lack of them), but then they would say they wouldn't they?

The bags in the cabin and lifeboat drill over, my first test was to go to a bar and ask for a drink. Do you know what? The barman served me in a twinkling of an eye. The nonsense where all drinks orders had to go through a bar steward, causing huge delays in service, has gone.

It may sound trivial, but actually when you want a drink with your meal, which I like, and the drink only arrives after the food is eaten, which happened last time I was on board, it does matter.

Incidentally, if you did order a drink from a bar steward this time, the drinks turned up promptly and with a smile, which also never happened before.

I also smiled when I ordered a drink from Melvin, dived for my cruise card and he said, "don't worry, I remember your details from yesterday". I was on a ship with 3,337 other passengers remember. How impressive is that!

Freedom dining - or rather the lack of it - was a big problem when I was on Ventura last time. In a nutshell, it's supposed to mean you can eat in the dining room at a time that suits you, on a table with your nearest and dearest or sharing with other people if you want.

In practice, getting a table in the Freedom dining restaurant was like looking for hens' teeth, largely because so many passengers booked tables every evening, which somewhat negated the freedom aspect of the whole thing.

You had to eat either very early or very late, which didn't suit, so as a result, on a two-week cruise my family and I ate in the main dining room just four times.

Actually we didn't do much better this time, only making it down there once on the seven-night cruise, but this time it wasn't because we couldn't get a table but because we discovered the Beach House Diner.

This is a new - and free - evening-only waiter-service restaurant P&O has created on one side of the Beach House self-service to help take pressure off the Freedom dining restaurant and it is brilliant.

The menu includes chicken wings, potato skins, chicken tikka masala, ribs, sizzling chicken and plain old fish and chips - all tasty stuff, cooked fresh and served hot.

We discovered it the first evening, when we dined there almost alone; by the last evening of the cruise it was packed and they were having to issue bleepers to alert diners when a table was ready. "It'll be 15-20 minutes," we were told. Actually, it went off in less than 10 minutes - so fast we were still deciding what drink to order in Metropolis, an über-popular bar at the aft end of the ship.

That evening we had been intending to eat in the dining room, but hearing there was a 15-20 minutes was the excuse we all wanted to change plans and head upstairs to the diner, where we were happy to put up with the small delay.

It's not that there was anything wrong with the food in the dining room, but the diner is just so much more relaxed and the menu less fussy. And I do like my food served hot.

Other notable changes include waiter-service breakfast in The White Room for suite passengers to take pressure off the buffet - it was very nice but the service was desperately slow - and staff in the self-service are no longer causing a bottleneck by insisting on handing out trays, plates and cutlery.

At lunchtime on the last day we treated ourselves to tapas in Las Ramblas. It costs £2.50 for three dishes but the food was so good last time we had to go back.

This time, the experience was made even better by Sid Real, from the Philippines, who is a wine waiter in the evening but was helping out in Las Ramblas during the day and took time to chat with us between serving our drinks and food.

"Have you noticed what's missing in here?" he asked. I looked around, but saw nothing. "Spanish brandy," he said triumphantly. "We have Spanish beer, but no Spanish brandy. People are always asking for it."

I pass the message on.

Here's something a bit different for anyone looking for a break from the cruising norm - the chance to see a total eclipse of the sun on the Aranui 3, a cargo ship that take passengers.

The lights are due to go out across the South Pacific next July, as the ship is sailing to the remote French Polynesian islands of Tuamotus.

The cruise departs Papeete on June 29 2010, stops off in the Marquesas Islands (famous for being the most remote pieces of land in the world) to deliver supplies - everything from cars and cement to school books and livestock - and then heads back to Papeete by way of the Tuamotus Islands.

On the way, there'll be lectures about the solar eclipse, and Marquesan history, culture and art, and you'll be able to dip in the swimming pool and keep fit in the gym.

The cruise costs from 3,730 euros per person for a cabin with private facilities but excluding return flights from the UK to Tahiti. Contact The Cruise People on 020 7723 2450.

Having just been cruising around Norway, this one is close to my heart.

To celebrate Norway' stunning victory at the Eurovision song contest a couple of weeks ago, Hurtigruten is giving travel agents who make a booking for an Opera-themed cruise next January a £10 HMV voucher so they can go and buy the CD.

The cruise is priced from £1,230 per person including flights; bookings have to be made by July 31 to qualify.

In case anyone does buy it, can they please tell me if there are any words other than "I'm in love with a fairytale" as that's the only bit I've heard. Several times.

After much deliberation, I hear Norway has decided to hold next year's contest in Oslo - actually I'm entirely sure where else would have had facilities for such a big event.

I trust Hurtigruten will be organising a Eurovision-themed cruise, with a big screen on the ship so passengers can watch all the excitement live.

Or maybe not.