Cruise Lines

Balmoral's ill-fated Bay of Biscay crossing was not the kind of advert cruiselines sailing from the UK were looking for. A force nine gale, 50ft seas and two Britons taken to hospital with broken bones.

The message boards are rife. Shouldn't Fred Olsen have known there was a storm brewing? How wise was it to plan to cross the Bay of Biscay in January? (A little unfair, I feel, given this water can get fiery any time of the year).

Problem is, the Bay of Biscay is one of the only ways to go if you are cruising from the UK. Ships can leave Dover or Southampton and turn left, but that brings you to the North Sea. Not famed for its calm waters. Or get to the end of Cornwall and turn right into the Irish Sea. That was so bad this year Thomson Cruises refused to leave its berth in Liverpool.

The only other option is to sail round the Isle of Wight. A dizzying experience P&O Cruises tried once but it never caught on!

The simple fact is that anyone choosing to cruise from the UK buys into the chance of rough weather as part of the package, but still more and more Brits are doing it. A 48% increase in 2007 according to the Passenger Shipping Association and even more expected in 2008, when there were more ships sailing from the UK.

My money was on another increase in this recessionary year. Apart from all the usual pros - no airport hassles or delays, pack the kitchen sink - there are no flights to pay for, so it can work out quite a bit cheaper.

Seeing these pictures and reading of first timers who say "never again", all my bets are off.

My thanks to Regent Seven Seas Cruises UK managing director Graham Sadler, who has put me straight on the new restaurant on Seven Seas Voyager and Seven Seas Mariner.

Seems I wasn't the only one sad to see the Asian eatery Latitudes go, but those same passengers have come back raving about Prime 7.

"Wow - it is spectacular," was the quote.

Some humble pie to go with the Ribeye please.

Cunard's president and managing director Carol Marlow is getting ready to fly out to Auckland, to join Queen Mary 2 as it sails the New Zealand-Australia leg of its world cruise. Once it arrives in Sydney (pictured below, with QM2 tied up) on February 26, she'll be hosting a dinner at a special location on land for passengers going all the way around.

It's an annual world cruise highlight all Cunard circumnavigators look forward to and the location remains a big secret until the voyage starts. On Queen Victoria, the dinner is in Singapore on March 19. And yes, Carol will be there for that too.

"All the most frequent world cruisers sit at my table," she informs me. "I've been doing it for four years and I've had the same passengers each time."

Now that's what I call loyalty.

Holland America Line has performed a clever twist as it leaps on the Valentine's Day bandwagon. Forget a romantic cruise on the big day, but give her a present of a cruise to take later in the year.

So far so good. But what's the suggestion? Two nights on the North Sea on Eurodam from £289 per person. I know money's tight right now, but the North Sea? £289? Two nights? Obviously one for the guys who really know how to give their loved ones a good time.

Thankfully, Holland America does have a more cupid-like Mediterranean Romance cruise up its Valentine Day sleeve. Twelve nights in May and you get to sail from Venice and visit Cephalonia, Rome and Florence.

Ah Venice. Love really will be in the air - and all from just £1,039 per person.

The things you have to do if you're a cruise ship captain. Host welcome parties, drive ships, smile at passengers, give away your uniforms.

Yes, that last one was new on me too, but I hear Captain Teo Strazicic, skipper of Royal Caribbean International's Independence of the Seas, handed over one of his uniforms to Juan Pablo Di Pace, who played Petros in Mamma Mia! - that's the gay guy who hooks up with Harry at the end.

Why? Well, Juan plays Captain Alvarez (below in his uniform) in Royal's upgraded in-line agent training programme, which goes live today, Friday February 5.

Luckily, Captain Teo had another uniform to wear for the picture. This is a family blog after all.

A couple of heartwarming stories this morning for all those people who love to take a swipe at cruiselines for whatever reason they can find that day.

Cruise Community reports P&O Cruises Australia is donating items from its ships that it no longer needs to Mission Australia. It's a fantastic list of stuff - two truck loads of rollaway beds, cots, almost 2,500 bed spreads. The items are distributed to those in need or sold to raise money for the Mission.

Coincidentally, Captain Greybeard - alias John Honeywell of the Mirror - reports that Holland America Line is donating all those left behind pots of gels, shampoo and lotions to the Florida homeless. It will also be giving them unwanted towels, mattresses, TVs, cookware. Apparently they do something similar in Seattle.

It's a great idea. After all, cruiselines are constantly renewing this or upgrading that to make life for us cruisers so very comfortable.

Makes me wonder what they did - and others still do - with all this stuff before?

Cruise Business Review reports that TUI Cruises, the German joint venture cruiseline created by Royal Caribbean Cruises and TUI AG, is to name its first ship - currently known as Celebrity Cruises' Celebrity Galaxy - Mein Schiff in a ceremony on May 15.

The name was chosen in a competition that attracted more than 30,000 ideas from 11,000 people. TUI Cruises chief executive officer Richard J Vogel said several suggested Mein Schiff and it was chosen because it "expresses our core ideas of individuality and room to move".

Really? In my day at school it simply meant My Ship.

Question is, how bad the others were if this was deemed the best?

Maritime Matters says Nakheel, the Dubai-based new owner of the QE2, is having second thoughts about spending millions of dollars converting the ship into a luxury floating hotel now that the world is in a financial mess and tourists are thinking twice about holidaying in Dubai.

Regular readers will remember I saw the old girl tied up and looking rather lonely when I was in Dubai at the beginning of January, to join a Costa cruise around the Arabian Gulf. I was surprised then that she hadn't been taken off to the shipyard for her multi-million-dollar facelift. Time is money, after all.

Maritime Matters says Nakheel is considering opening the ship as is. A this-is-how-they-did-luxury-40-years-ago sort of museum piece I guess. But before fans get too excited, MM also hints that another option would be to sell the ship for scrap.

After paying Cunard £50 million for the ship? Ouch.

While I'm with Crystal Cruises, I have to share this story from UK sales and marketing director Sophie Higgins.

Man calls on Tuesday, to book a 12-night cruise from Miami to Los Angeles, through the Panama Canal, on Crystal Symphony departing the following Monday. He had never cruised before and wanted an outside cabin for sole use. Cost £3,000 cruise-only with the single supplement. He was organising his own flights.

Can it be done so last minute? Well yes, said the UK office. As long as his credit card clears in time. So he went into the London office the next day to pay Crystal direct and five days later was on his cruise.

"Bookings are coming in a lot later," Higgins confirmed.

Soon after you arrive in your suite on Silversea, your stewardess will arrive bearing a tray of lotions and potions. Here's Barbara, my stewardess on Silver Wind, bearing my tray.

The Bulgari bottles are already in the bathroom, but you can also have some Acqua di Parma as well if you fancy. And yes, of course I did.

How special is that?

Another change of itinerary on this Silversea cruise around India on Silver Wind. Tuticorin, added last minute as a replacement for Colombo in Sri Lanka, didn't quite gel with the passengers on the previous cruise so it's been dropped from my cruise as well.

I'm told there was a "near riot" because it was such an awful place. Well, I did say in a previous posting that it was famous for its port and railway station. Didn't sell it for me either.

So instead, we're doing another day at sea, but it means we are getting into Cochin several hours earlier than planned, which is great. We stay there overnight and I'm planning to go a tour of the Kerala backwaters. I've been before but they were so lovely a return visit will not go amiss.

By the time you read this, I'll be on my way to Chennai (what we used to call Madras), where I'm joining Silversea's newly refurbished Silver Wind for a cruise around the coast of India.

Internet connections willing, I'll be bringing you news and pictures from the ship and the places we visit.

Sadly, a visit to Colombo in Sri Lanka has been cancelled due to the "situation" (to quote the letter informing me of the change). A real shame as I was so looking forward to revisiting the Pinnawela Elephant Orphanage there.

Instead we'll be calling at a place called Tuticorin (it's also known as Thoothukundi, but I think I'll stick with Tuticorin!), which my research tells me is the third-largest container port in India and home to one of the country's oldest railway stations. Wikipedia says the city is also called a nursery of volleyball. Whatever that might be.

I'll reserve judgement but I'm thinking we'd all be better off taking our chances with the elephants in Sri Lanka.

The cruise also calls at Visakhapatnam, Cochin, New Mangalore, Mormugao and ends in Mumbai.

Keep tuned.

Seems the reason Carnival Cruise Lines pulled their ship from Dover this summer was nothing to do with the high cost of flights from the US to Europe at all but rather because they needed the ship for boat rides around Cochin.

The annual Carnival UK report released last week is packed with interesting facts. Here are a few of the best:

• Princess Cruises carried more than 100,000 British passengers for the first time in 2007 and saw more growth in 2008 - all without any big marketing campaigns. Bodes well given Princess has a bigger ship, Grand Princess, based in Southampton this summer.
• Carnival Cruise Lines' sales grew almost 80% in 2008 compared to 2007 as a result of Carnival Splendor's season from Dover. Sadly, that turned out to be a one-off, at least while air fares stay high and money is tight.
• Costa Cruises has become a force in the honeymoon market due to its cruises from Mauritius. But don't send anyone looking for a traditional British cruise, UK managing director Marco Rosa warns.
• Passengers on Cunard's Queen Mary 2 managed to get through 97,000 pounds of lobster and 206,200 bottles of Champagne.
• Nearly three quarters of British holidaymakers are planning to spend at least as much on their main holiday this year as they did in 2008.

But the one that really caught my eye was that Ocean Village has replaced its plastic laundry bags with linen ones. Environment and all that.

All very laudable, but it occurs to me that the line's happy green thoughts will turn to seeing red when the linen bags start to walk off the ship.

Especially after I heard the story recently of a woman taking a long cruise on a luxury ship - no names, but it is true - who seemed to be getting through rather a lot of the lotions and shampoos you find in suites on classy lines.

The officer in charge of these things was getting a little worried - we might think it's a freebie, but this top-brand stuff apparently costs the cruiselines a lot of money. They had a look around the passengers' suite to try to find out what was happening and found a suitcase containing the bottles. Not just with 10 or 20, you understand, but full.

Brings a whole new meaning to the concept of money laundering.

Oh dear. Hasn't anyone got anything nice to say about Norwegian Cruise Lines' new ship, Norwegian Epic? I think it's safe to say it has made an impact -- but for all the wrong reasons, if comments on the Cruise.co.uk and Cruise Critic websites are anything to go by.

Maybe things will improve once it has the trademark NCL graffiti down the sides?

Oh to be crossing the Atlantic on Cunard's Queen Mary 2 on June 19, when James Taylor will be playing two gigs (actually they're "command performances" on the QM2).

I admit I am not the world's greatest James Taylor fan - far from it (if he walked past me in Sainsbury's I would never know) - but how I have longed to see some real singing talent on cruise ships. And here it is.

He'll be on a eastbound crossing from New York to Southampton and is using it as a way to get his band, crew, gear and family to Europe - minus jetlag -  for a summer tour.

I, meanwhile, will be at the Association of Cruise Experts' Cruise Convention in Dover.

By the way, there is still room on the June 19 crossing if, like me, you would like a break from the traditional belt-em-out singers they so love on cruise ships.

For those who don't know, the Hogs in question are Harley Davidson nuts (members of the Harley Owners Group), who, believe it or not, every so often go off cruising together.

It's all organised by Dean and Debbie Anderson, who run Hogs on the High Seas, and gather hundreds of bikers together. "We can have fun without worrying about drinking and driving," says Dean, who naturally is also a Hog.

Which is all really just an excuse for showing you this picture....

Meet Captain Hog, aka Johnny Faevelen, current master of Royal Caribbean International's Mariner of the Seas, who keeps his Harley with him on the ship.

Dean says lucky Hogs get a chance to see the bike in the hold and the captain sometimes rides out with the group (special excursions are organised for Hogs as they can't take their bikes on the ship).

Not surprisingly, Mariner is the Hogs favourite ship - in fact a big group will be descending on it in November. Mostly Americans, but they usually get 10-12 Brits on each cruise.

As you might expect, bikers are not into all that cruise ship dress code malarkey, so Dean gets special dispensation for the group. Evening dress code is jeans and t-shirts (no profanity please!), except on formal nights, of course, when they are expected to make an effort and wear leather (please be discreet!).

And here's the best bit.... they are booked for second sitting dinner because the waiters get into the spirit of the occasion and come in bikers' gear. As their work for the day is done once the Hogs shuffle off to their own show (you didn't really think they would sit through that schmaltzy songs from the shows stuff did you?), the waiters don't have to change back into their black and whites and start serving the smart casual brigade.

Dean really has though of everything.

A poll by Co-operative Travel into the best cruising companions got me thinking. Which celebrity would I like to go on a cruise with?

The poll of 650 holidaymakers was broken down into four sections - celebrity men and women the men would most like to cruise with and then the same two categories for the ladies. An interesting idea, but clearly people were given a list to choose from as the same celebs appear on each, just in a different order.

And what a random selection of names they were given, including Terry Wogan, Tom Cruise, Carol Vorderman, Rod Stewart. With one exception I would have had to reply "none of the above".

Daniel Craig, aka 007, came out top for the ladies. No surprise there. Stephen Fry topped the men's chart for the top male celeb. Right.

The men chose Myleene Klaas as their favourite female cruise companion - but no I don't think it had anything to do with her godmothering Carnival Splendor in Dover last year (unless it was the moment her dress did a Marilyn Munroe) - while the ladies went for Julie Walters.

All this was done to celebrate old new figures from the Passenger Shipping Association (they have been bandied about enough already, let's face it) that almost 1.5 million Brits took a cruise last year - an 11% increase on 2007. Nice one.

The question from Jill on Cruise.co.uk must rank up there with the cruise directors' favourite daft passenger comments, among them "do these stairs go up or down?" and "does the ship run on mains electric?"

She claims to be terrified of water and therefore is dreading having to go in the sea during the safety drill. I'm pleased to see most of the respondents have a good sense of humour. Do take a miute to read them. They made me smile and brightened up my early morning start!

Seems I'm not the only person who dislikes fixed dining. A Cruise Critic poll has found the thought of sharing a table with other passengers was the Brits' least favourite thing about cruising.

I don't know what reason others have, but mine are simple. Too often I've been stuck on a table for seven nights, trying to make conversation with people with whom I have nothing in common and who are, frankly, boring. One night is fine - you can do all the usual who-are-you stuff. Then it's time to move on and do the same with another bunch.

Give me a dine-when-you-like option anytime when you can either sit with different people each night or just with your partner.

Even the Captain is seen as an undesirable when it comes to dining companions. More than a fifth said their first thought on receiving an invitation to the Captain's table was "how do I get out of this?" How times have changed. An invitation to the Captain's Table used to signify the pinnacle of your cruising career.

The poll also found the Brits cruise on their stomachs. Some 60% said a cruiseline's reputation for quality cuisine would affect their choice of cruise, while 63% said the best thing about dining on board is the quality of the food. Hmmm. Not so sure about that one.

It's true that some cruiselines so serve good food, but mostly it's fairly run-of-the-mill stuff with a posh name to appeal to the most unadventurous palate; invariably it's served lukewarm (for all the pomp and ceremony in the main dining rooms, it is still mass catering with food cooked well in advance).

When dining companions go into raptures over what is essentially meat and two veg by another name I have wonder what these people eat at home.

Interestingly, 53% said they pay extra to go in the speciality restaurant at least once or twice when they cruise. James Martin, who works with Ocean Village, was the favourite celebrity chef, followed by Marco Pierre White and Gary Rhodes, who have restaurants on P&O Cruises' ships.

I do like James Martin but guess who my favourite is?

I see the lucky folk on Silversea's new ship Silver Spirit, cruising from New York to Southampton on an April/May transatlantic, will be calling at Plymouth, that well-known cruise mecca where Sir Francis Drake is said to have played bowls as the Spanish Armada approached.

I can't help wondering why. I was brought up "over the bridge" from Plymouth and can't think of a single reason to visit the place. The Pilgrim Fathers had the right idea. They left. And that was before the post-war architects got their hands on it and created an ugly concrete jungle.

Interestingly, next port after Plymouth is Southampton, so maybe there will be an opportunity for a few favoured guests to see the ship if there's no time when it comes out of the shipyard in December.

Plymouth aside, there are some great cruises in a new dedicated Silver Spirit brochure. An amazing 91-night Grand Inaugural round South America from January to April 2010, cruises through the Western and Eastern Med, into the Black Sea, lots of overnights in many of my favourite places - Sorrento, Venice and Istanbul.

The ship returns to the Caribbean at the end of October.

Carolyn Spencer-Brown, editor-in-chief of Cruise Critic, has named Cruise Lines her favourite journalists' blog in an article for the Times Online.

John Heald, Carnival Cruise Lines' cruise director and inveterate blogger, comes top in her list of favourite cruiseline blogs.

If you've not caught up with John yet, you are really missing out. But don't forget to come back here for the news and views.

Richard Fain, chairman of Royal Caribbean Cruises, has started a cruise blog about new big ship Oasis of the Seas. This is the one that holds 5,400 passengers. He says it's taken him five years to write the first blog. He'll have to speed up a little. The ship is launching in seven months.

The RMS St Helena was in the UK this week, making the first of two annual calls into Portland - a blustery spit of land off Weymouth.

The ship is a bit special on several counts. It is one of the last working Royal Mail Ships and a lifeline for the people of St Helena, a small and remote island in the South Atlantic - find Nambia in south-west Africa, look to the left and you'll see it.

Everything the Islanders need is brought in by ship (see the crane, to lift everything in and out of the hold); if they want to leave, this is the only way.

When I went to see the ship on Wednesday, they had just finished loading the cargo for yesterday's departure. There were cars, a minibus, concrete and an "unpacked" cat.

Being "unpacked", the cat didn't have to spend the crossing in the hold, which is good as it takes 14 days for the ship to get to Ascension Island, from where it's another 72 hours to St Helena. No one told me where the two crocodiles they once carried lived. Not really the sort of passengers you want wandering the decks.

The vessel's final role is as cruise ship, for people who want a "blue water" cruise experience. There's no glitz, no glamour. They sleep in ferry-style beds that pull out of the wall (my cabin, on B deck, was a good size but with a tiny porthole), bathe in the communal bath (but there was a toilet and shower of sorts in the cabin), and spend their days in one of the two lounges, reading a book, having a drink and watching the waves go by.

Come evening, the crew, mainly "Saints", lay on games in the lounge (we were treated to the joys of turtle racing) and I imagine most people turn in early, conserving their strength for another day of eating, drinking and basically doing nothing.

As Kedell Worboys, St Helena Line's sales and marketing director, put it: "This is an experience rather than a cruise."

Because of the ship's schedule, sailing from Portland to St Helena, between St Helena and Ascension Island, and between St Helena, Walvis Bay and Cape Town, you can go on for a few days a couple of weeks or a couple of months, depending how long you want to get away from it all. Bookings can be made through Andrew Weir Shipping.

There's no internet, but you can send emails. At £1.50 a minute, I guess most people stay out of touch.

Some 4,000 people live on St Helena, a British Overseas Territory, which measures just nine miles by five miles.

It's main claim to fame is that it's where Napoleon was exiled in 1815, after he was defeated at Waterloo, because it is so remote and inaccessible, making it impossible for the French to mount a rescue.

Even now, nearly 200 years on, it's still remote and inaccessible. They have their ship, but no port - the St Helena has to anchor and ferry all its passengers and cargo ashore. Likewise, passengers on passing cruise ships have to tender. That's if the sea is playing ball.

When P&O Cruises' Aurora arrived in January on its world cruise it was too rough to get anyone ashore so they just waved and then sailed on to Cape Town. Holland America Line's Rotterdam is due there in April. Let's hope it's passengers have more luck.

The King of the Jungle, aka naff-turned-cool DJ Tony Blackburn, is trading the air waves for the ocean waves this summer when he hosts a Smooth Radio cruise on Ocean Village in June.

It's all to celebrate the new film The Boats that Rocks. about a fictional pirate radio station but inspired by Radio Caroline, which Tony Blackburn helped to launch. After spending a few years spinning the vinyl (that's records to those too young to remember) and practising his corny jokes there, he went on to torture us on Radio One, which he opened with the words "and good morning everyone. Welcome to the exciting new sound of Radio One." Or so I am told. I wasn't there at the time.

When I was at school he was the epitome of naff; now he has totally reinvented himself to become the king of cool. Good on yer Tony.

The seven-night Smooth cruise (so called because he is on Smooth Radio these days) is for sale exclusively through Thomas Cook Cruise.

To book, call 0800 975 6099 and quote Smooth cruise to ensure you are one of Tony's groupies. Sorry group. Prices start from £715 per person including flights.

Poptastic!

What is it about cruising people that makes them want to see crew making food, washing dishes and ironing shirts?

I spend most of my time in ships these days, but I can honestly say that in the days when my overseas stays were more land-based, I was never asked by the hotel receptionists if I wanted to sign up for a tour of the laundry or kitchen.

Yet cruisers will stump up vast sums of money to see all the things they have come on holiday to forget. Or at least I thought that's what this holiday lark was all about.

Yet even my cynical self enjoyed the Behind the Scenes tour I did with Princess Cruises last November at the launch of Ruby Princess, but forget galleys and laundrys. The bit I liked was going into the funnel and seeing the engine control room, where computers indicate black water with a picture of a toilet. I reckon even I could operate the ship with guidance like that.

I know some of the men wanted to see the actual engine room, but I've been in a few in my time and they are hot, noisy and windowless. Put it another way, if you're travelling in a car would you rather sit on the comfy leather seats or under the bonnet?

Now Norwegian Cruise Line is getting in on the Behind the Scenes act, offering a similar kind of tour as Princess (bridge, laundry, galley, theatre, and more). It's available on all ships except Norwegian Majesty and just once per cruise on a sea day.

A two-hour basic tour will set you back $55 per person, splash out $150 per person and you get a seven-hour extravaganza that includes sushi-making and sake-tasting, a group photo taken on the bridge, one cup of speciality coffee, pre-dinner cocktails and dinner with a glass of wine (just the one again, I presume) in Cagney's Steakhouse.

News from Princess Cruises that its passengers have voted Los Angeles top turnaround port (that's one where one cruise ends and another starts) in 2008 got me thinking about what makes a good port.

For a turnaround port it has to be efficiency - its ability to get passengers in and out of the port and on and off the ship quickly - and the friendliness of staff has to count a lot.

Sorry, but for me that last bit puts all US ports out of the running. The staff all trot out the formulaic "have a nice day", but from experience I know what they really mean is "how can I irritate you most". Now they have such stringent security, they are really in their element.

My classic experience has to be an embarkation at Fort Lauderdale last year. There's a group of us waiting to get into the Holy Shrine (what we normal people call a terminal) and just to achieve this our names have to ticked off a list. Imagine that at Southampton or Dover? But I guess we all looked pretty suspect with our suitcases and happy faces.

The queue is moving slowly, then suddenly out pops one big scary lady. "Who's name is not on the list?" (note the emphasis on "not") she booms.

As none of us could see the list, how could we answer that? Or should I say, how could we answer without being arrested?

But back to the ports. Here are my votes for ports generally.

Southampton. Most irritating. I queued more than 45 minutes last year to drive a couple of hundred yards to get to the terminal so someone could take my car and park it. In that time I could have parked my own car, walked across the road to the terminal (yes, I really can park a car and yes, the car park really was just five minutes from the check-in) and boarded the ship. But for some reason no one was allowed to do that.

Civitavecchia. Most disappointing. Unless you like containers, of course. Especially if you are expecting your first taste of Italian chic

Hong Kong. Most disorientating. The terminal doubles as a shopping centre, which is great if you like shops, a pain if all you want is to get on and off your ship and out to the city (actually I did manage to blag my way through the dock gate once, saving myself about 15 minutes wandering among the shops, but didn't dare to try it twice).

Have to say, though, that Hong Kong was a good embarkation port. Dropped near the ship in a Rolls Royce (courtesy of the fabulous Peninsula Hotel), in through the side door to check-in, out onto the quay and quickly onto the ship. And there was not a shop in sight.

Barcelona. Most convenient (but note this award only applies if you are moored at the World Trade Centre). Five minutes and you are in Las Ramblas. Fantastic.

Odessa. Most convenient (without a precondition). Through the terminal (where I think there was one rather unmemorable shop), over the walkway, cross the road (if you dare; there is an underpass if you don't) and you are at the bottom of the Potemkin Steps, one of the city's main attractions. Walk up - or take the lift - and you're in the city.

This picture is taken from the top of the Steps, looking across at my cruise ship, Spirit of Adventure, and this is me sitting on the Steps ... just to prove I really was there.

In fairness to the Americans, I must also mention that once in the Port of Miami I was in the door (no being ticked off a list first), checked-in and boarding the ship in 30 minutes. And that was for a full cruise on Royal Caribbean's 4,000-passenger Freedom of the Seas and after extra passport checks for us "aliens". Proves they can do it if they want to.

I was in good company when I stayed at Orient-Express' Hotel Splendido in Portofino this week, following my visit to see the new Seabourn Odyssey.

Winston Churchill, Richard Burton, Liza Minnelli, Ringo Starr, Rod Stewart, Egon Ronay, Larry Hagman, Billy Joel, Steven Spielberg and Naomi Campbell have all passed through the hotel's doors over the past 50 or so years. I trust they will now be adding my name to the list.

Seriously, I'm not surprised so many famous people have been there. It is a truly gorgeous hotel - the rooms, the service, the food. As ever I was the fussy one at dinner, but three courses of delicious pasta and vegetables just for me were produced alongside the set menu without anyone even batting an eyelid.

When I mentioned that I had always looked at the hotel from afar when in the area on a cruise, Angelica Aliberti, the PR manager, said cruisers visiting Portofino or Saint Margherita are welcome to visit and they will happily show you around the hotel. Combine that with a walk in the woods between the two towns and you'll have a fabulous day out.

In case you're not going to be there soon, here are some pictures to whet your appetite - a suite, similar but not the same as mine, the view from the balcony, the Terrace restaurant at night and the hotel as seen from Portofino.

Just a word of warning. Before you fall too deeply in love, you might want to check out the rates. I was planning a romantic weekend there as soon as I saw my suite, but on second thoughts I think I'll just hang on for the pay rise.

Hearing that my cruise to Libya was cancelled when Hebridean International Cruises sold "my" ship, Swan Hellenic has stepped in and I am now booked to go with them instead.

There are just over three weeks until the off and I can't wait. Internet allowing, I'll be reporting back daily on the cruise and destinations.

Swan, you may remember, moved fast on news that Hebridean Spirit had been sold, offering all the newly de-Spirted passengers a 5% discount. Details on the website.

I wonder if others who should have been going to Libya with Hebridean will be on Minerva with me. We could form a Swan Appreciation Society.

King of the quick quip and bad joke Basil Brush is setting sail with casual cruiseline Ocean Village this summer.

Gill Haynes, OV's head of marketing communications, says parents will be as amused as their children to find him on board.

Too right. I loved Basil Brush (mind he was never so good once Mr Derek left - ooops, that's really showing my age!) and there will be plenty of my generation who spent many a happy half hour listening to his "posh voice" and excrutiating jokes. Boom, boom.

OV's other stalwarts Bagpuss and Paddington must be quaking in their boots at the thought of competition from the foxy fella.

Basil will be cruising the Western Med on the original Ocean Village throughout this summer. Prices from £749 per person including flights. Call 0845 358 5000 to book.

Basil Brush® © 2009 I Owen/P Firmin/Entertainment Rights PLC

I've often commented that it is hard to get any idea what a cruise ship will look like when it is under construction as it just looks like a building site.

For those wondering how bad it can be, here are some pictures of Princess Cruises' Golden Princess, in dry dock until May 15 for a very big makeover.

The atrium, left, is being stripped out and transformed into a Piazza with an International Cafe and Vines wine bar.

Below: On deck 15, 10 new balcony suites are being added where once there was a video arcade.

Above: This was the Internet Cafe. Soon it will be the casino.

Below: An adults-only Sanctuary is being fitted on the top deck.

Before you get too excited, it's not actually happening. But what a brilliant idea for easing a few more dollars out of cruisers' pockets.

While docked in Grenada, Ocho Rios, Kusadasi (the point being it can be anywhere), cruiseships open their doors so passengers from vessels docked alongside can go on board and see what they are missing. For a fee, of course.

I admit a couple of Cruise Critic members actually came up with the idea but I think it's a winner. Passengers on, say, Spirit of Adventure could nip across to Freedom of the Seas to see what it's like to be on an big American ship; those on Ruby Princess could venture onto Balmoral and see what a very British cruise ship is all about.

I can see it now. Crew at the foot of the gangway with a placard advertising the ship tour. Only $100 per person and you get a free keyring and souvenir picture to take home.

Cruiselines would not only increase their on-board income, albeit from people who are technically not on board, but might win over a few sceptical passengers from their rivals. What the marketeers call a win-win situation. I believe.

It would certainly make a change from charging passengers to see the laundry.

Incidentally, I see NCL's new ship's tour has not gone down a storm on Cruise.co.uk. Some great comments. Check them out here.

The Israeli security staff on MSC Melody who repelled an attack by pirates in the Gulf of Aden over the weekend by firing on them have become overnight heros.

Not with the bleeding heart human rightists - they are still wringing their hands over news that the Israeli security staff had guns - but with ordinary people who can't understand why governments from all countries are dancing around the Somali pirates instead of blasting them out of the water.

The Israelis on MSC's Melody, hired from a private security firm, didn't even need to do that. Captain Ciro Pinto, who is also something of a hero in my book for having the courage to take action, ordered that pistols kept in a safe on the ship be handed to the guards.

They opened fire as the pirates tried to board the ship and water hoses were also turned on the bandits so they gave up.

Domenico Pellegrino, MSC Cruises managing director, said of the Israeli security guards: "We use them because they are the best -- and we have just had a demonstration of that."

Interestingly, Ally suggests on TravelMole that MSC brought the attack on by telling the world last week it was changing its route through the Gulf while another writes on Cruise Log that MSC was a brand struggling to become known in North America. "Now everybody knows who they are.....the cruise line with REAL security on board. Bravo!" writes King Bob.

See where I'm going? No. A marketing ploy too far surely!

But do take a moment to read some of the comments on Cruise Log. These are some of my favourites:

* In a related news story in which Royal Caribbean says: "We will charge a surcharge for pirate entertainment."

* A new on-board activity......shoot to kill the pirates. Prizes for the best killshot, sinking the pirate craft, etc. Ship could offer free gratuties, free casino plays and free pirate costumes for the winners.

* Bring back skeet shooting on cruise ships! Then passengers could provide their own security. More fun than any rock-climbing wall. For every pirate taken out, the cruise line could offer an onboard credit!

The people have spoken!

P&O passengers have voted Aurora their favourite ship, with Ventura (above) bottom of the pile at number six. The ship even scored less than Artemis, the old lady of the P&O fleet.

Given the negative publicity Ventura has suffered since its launch last April, it's really not a surprise, so I mention it only because interestingly, the results are so very different from the scores in the Berlitz Guide to Cruising.

Author Douglas Ward puts Ventura in top place with Aurora at number five. Arcadia is number two (5th place with passengers), Oriana number three (2), Oceana number 4 (3) and Artemis down in 6th place (5).

Has the Bible lost touch with the people? I'm cruising on Ventura at the end of May so I'll let you know.

So Royal Caribbean International is putting a "real" Broadway show on new giant ship Oasis of the Seas? Could this be the start of something new for cruiselines?

The Oasis' Hairspray will be its own version of the Broadway show (currently playing London's West End) that shot to fame recently when it was turned into a film with John Travolta in a fat-suit and drag.

Crucially, it will be shorter and feature the ship's own singers and dancers rather than Travolta or any other celeb.

I just hope they don't murder it and Royal resists charging.

I can't be alone in welcoming the fact that instead of the usual mish-mash of songs from the shows strung together and presented as Broadway-like, there will be a real show with a real plot.

Did I say plot? Actually that's a bit of an exaggeration. There's a message in there about race relations but really it's a vehicle for lots of singing and dancing and for everyone to have a good time.

But that's what makes it so perfect for a cruise ship. Somehow Jesus Christ Superstar just wouldn't be the same.

Forget the academic lectures and classical music that pass as entertainment on Swan Hellenic. What Minerva passengers really want, I discovered today, is a little death and destruction.

No sooner had the Man Overboard! cry gone up than every man, woman and, well, me, was at the port side of the ship, camera at the ready. Where is he? Where is he?

OK, so it was just an exercise, but it was more excitement than Swan usually allows in one day.

No sooner was the dummy in the water, than a rubber ring and orange flare followed, both to mark the spot. The ship started to turn and a boat was lowered into the water - "I suspect he's drowned by now," one woman commented as the boat inched its slow way down the side of the ship - and set off to rescue our hapless victim.

The pictures tell the story. My favourite is the last one. Having been saved from drowning, he is then asphyxiated by the flare.
 

After a horrible day rocking and rolling across between Alexandria and Benghazi, I am pleased to say the Med returned to it more usual millpond self for the journey to Al Khums, our second stop in Libya.

It's meant another day at sea and finally I've been able to get a taste of real life on Minerva - one where everyone does not walk around apparently drunk.

Like everyone else, that means I've done very little.

Sea days on Swan Hellenic's Minerva are quiet affairs. Everyone goes to the lectures so they can talk about them later over lunch or dinner; in between times they sit and read or chat, walk a mile or two around the Promenade Deck, have a go at the jigsaw in the library and send emails.

At least they try to. There are just three terminals, lined up in a row at the edge of the library and they go at a snail's pace (which is why you are having to do without links on these blogs, so my apologies for that). Judging by the constant moans and groans, a bit of modernisation wouldn't go amiss.

And of course the passengers eat. Non-stop it seems. About five minutes after 12 today, barely three hours after breakfast had finished, the pool deck was packed as everyone got in line for the curry specials executive chef Christian Wastl was serving outside. I waited an hour, not just for the queue to go down but to find somewhere to sit.

Was it worth it? Well, I guess it wouldn't have been so popular if it wasn't any good - or was it just that it was something new to do? - but the curry was too mild for me, even after a hefty dose of chilli was added.

Overall though, the food has been good and the service excellent. The barmen know my favourite drinks already and which cabin to charge. All I have to do is say yes please and thank you when the drink arrives - oh, and sign the bill as well, but prices are very reasonable and there are no gratuities added.

The lectures are the highlight for most passengers. I have been watching them, but on my cabin TV rather than going to the lounge as it's more comfortable and you can switch over if they get too heavy or detailed, which they tend to do.

"We only went to one today and it went on for far too long," a couple I met over lunch admitted after discovering that I too had been very errant in my education this morning. But there are only so many pictures of ruined vases and tales from the antiquities a girl can take.

I use the term advisedly, having been called the "girl" from the Telegraph yesterday. I pointed out I was neither a girl or from the Telegraph, but do write for the paper, but inwardly was rather flattered.

I guess it indicates the age of many of my fellow passengers, but I should say there are also quite a few younger people than on my last cruise with Swan. Put it another way, no one has asked me yet if I am the entertainment!

That's it for land-based blogs from me for a few days as I'm off to join Swan Hellenic's Minerva for a cruise around Libya.

I'm visiting three ports in Libya - Benghazi, Al Khums and Tripoli - then Corfu, Delos and Myknos in Greece, before flying home from Athens.

Remember to keep checking back as, Internet willing, I'll be posting details every day about the ship and the sights including Leptis Magna and Sabratha.

A few weeks ago I posted a few pictures of Golden Princess, stripped bare and definitely not looking her usual elegant self.

Well after three weeks hard labour for the shipyard workers in British Columbia, the ship has re-emerged with a host of Princess Cruises latest signature features, including an adults-only Sanctuary and piazza-style atrium.

I've seen it happen loads of times, but the transformation in such a short time is amazing. You can check out the new-look Golden Princess here.

The ship is now back in action and cruising in Alaska.

I've only heard passengers on this Swan Hellenic cruise around Libya moan about two things so far.

Many are missing Minerva II, the ship which replaced the one we are on now when Swan was owned by Carnival. It's an interesting turnaround, as on my last cruise with Swan, in June last year, Minerva II was almost a dirty word.

And just as many - the men, I should add - are really fed up they didn't spot a single pirate coming through the Gulf of Aden.

Somehow I don't think they are joking either. "A bit like going to Antarctica and not seeing any penguins," one whispered to me.

I have visions of them all with walking sticks at the ready (hopefully not the chairs and tables on the pool deck, as used by the passengers on MSC Melody, as there are not enough to go around as it is), ready to fend off any bandits.

That's the kind of spirit that made Britain great!

I see disgusted from Tunbridge Wells has been monopolising the message boards on Cruise.co.uk, getting in a sweat (or is that also deemed too disgusting) about Ocean Village's show Fever and a swingers cruise on a Carnival ship.

What an incredible bunch of prudes!

I do wonder if some of the comments about the swingers cruise are for real. Sam asks "Who would want to go on the ship now they know what it has been used for?"

What on earth does he think hundreds of other couples do on cruise ships to pass the long nights (and the days as well if all the "do not disturb" signs on doors are anything to go by!).

As for Fever, I'm still baffled how anyone could take offence. I saw it with my daughter, then 13. Her verdict: that it was rather tame. She had been especially looking forward to it after I was warned it might be unsuitable for her young eyes!

Actually it was just a good show, a bit different from the norm. A shame that Williams, who branded it raunchy and started the whole debate, never even bothered to go!

While on the subject of wind, this excerpt from a review on Cruise.co.uk is for all those who dismissed my qualms at the thought of crossing the Bay of Biscay in rough weather on Royal Caribbean's Independence of the Seas when it starts its winter cruises from Southampton.

For the largest cruise ship in the world surprised at the lack of stability in rough weather. Whether this was the result of an economy measure or cruise schedule in not utilizing the ships stabilisers which adds to the fuel consumption and slows progress, is not clear, as there was very little feed back by the Captain or ships crew. By the end of the cruise the ship looked like a hospital ship by the number of walking wounded.

You know who you are!

A team of experts is reviewing how wind might impact the guest experience on Oasis of the Seas.

A quick word with the chef surely would suffice?

And then I realised it's not that sort of wind.

The next Oasis webisode from Royal Caribbean will feature the cruiseline's engineers, partners and designers reviewing and deliberating how the wind might impact passengers on the outer decks while the world's largest cruise ship is at sea.

Before you get too excited, you'll have to wait until tomorrow to see the cruise buffs discuss the solutions and testing process the 220,000 gross tonnage ship has undergone.

Seems MSC Cruises has pulled a fast one on journalists, reporting that MSC Fantasia was to be used to host the 2009 G8 summit in July when all the while the shipyard in St Nazaire was scrambing to make modifications to the yet-to-launch sister ship MSC Splendida, which was actually going to host the event.

But now the Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi has pulled a fast one on MSC and decided instead to hold the G8 in L'Aquila, in the Abruzzo region, which was so devastated by the earthquake in April.

Or has he? Could this be another blind?

MSC's chief executive Pierfrancesco Vago has taken the news well, especially considering all the alterations have already been made to Splendida, telling Seatrade Insider he is disappointed but understands the decision.

"Now we will be able to sell the suite as the one President Obama may have slept in."

Nice one. 

Yesterday I made a great discovery on Queen Mary 2 - the Canyon Ranch Spa. It's the only Canyon Ranch spa at sea and there was a real friendliness and genuine helpfulness on the front deck that seems to be missing in the ubiquious Elemis spas. Put it another way, I felt like a customer rather than a moving dollar sign.

Actually I wasn't going to have a treatment as it is very expensive, especially with the poor £ to $ exchange rate (all prices on QM2 are charged in dollars), but I couldn't resist the Thai massage.

As it was, it turned out to be a good choice, first because it came up as one of yesterday's daily offers so I saved $36, second because the masseur, Jintana, who trained in Bangkok, was very good, bending my legs into positions I would never have thought possible.

"Your neck is in knots," Jintana told me. After bearing the pain of her pressure, all the time telling myself it was doing me good, I had worked that out. I did feel good afterwards though.

On the issue of cost, one thing that did impress me was that all prices include a 10% gratuity (although like all bills on here there is space to leave another tip, maybe hoping people won't have read that it is included).

It's far more honest than one cruiseline I know that lists one price but slaps on a mandatory gratuity (and nothing so reasonable or easy to calculate as 10%). As you have no choice but to pay, surely that is the price that should be in the brochure?

As I had bought a treatment, I was entitled to one day's free access to the aqua therapy pool and thermal suite, where I cooked nicely in the steam room, herbal sauna and ordinary sauna. There's also a quiet relaxation room with views out to sea - or there would have been except we were sailing in low mist the whole day.

"We did see some dolphins earlier," a couple I knew from dinner with the hotel manager a few nights ago told me. They had been looking for a quiet place with a view so they had paid $40 each for a day pass to the thermal suite (there's also a three-day pass for $75 and a five-day one for $95).

"It was free when we cruised on Celebrity," they added, a bit miffed at having to pay so much just for somewhere to sit away from the grey skies and wind (the indoor pool was packed, apparently). I tried to mollify them by telling them that most lines charge for the thermal suite these days as it's a nice little earner.

And judging by the number of people in there yesterday, they were earning very nicely. Miserable weather must be manna from heaven for them.

It's always interesting to listen in on other people's conversations, especially when they turn to cruising.

This morning I forgot to take my single traveller's companion - my book - to breakfast so I had nothing to do but listen in as the other two couples in the alcove I was in started talking about Queen Mary 2 and QE2.

The alcoves, by the way, are along each side of the self-service restaurant on Queen Mary 2. They are a pain when you are trying to find a table because you have to stick your head right inside to see if there is space and if there isn't you have to go to the next one. And all the while your food is going cold.

Of course there are other tables but I do like the alcoves because they have a seaview and are quiet and feel very private, away from the usual self-service clatter. Of course that privacy also means it is almost impossible not to overhear conversations, book or no book.

Neither couple had been on Queen Mary 2 but the American duo had cruised with Cunard on QE2. "Did you prefer QE2," British wife asked, making a wild assumption because a couple they had met last night said QE2 was a much nicer ship.

"Oh no," American husband replied. "It was so noisy, creaking and vibrating. This is so peaceful I even forgot I was on a ship last night."

I have to concur, at least in how quiet the ship is. Despite its size, it's also very friendly - people say hello when they pass on the stairs or in the alleyways, complete strangers start chatting at meal times (especially in those alcoves) and in the lift.

I met one woman today who was over the moon to discover the shop allows passengers to take garments to their cabins to try on. "They think I'm going to buy it," she said.

It struck me as a reasonable assumption, but I suspect they might be disappointed!

Having just been cruising around Norway, this one is close to my heart.

To celebrate Norway' stunning victory at the Eurovision song contest a couple of weeks ago, Hurtigruten is giving travel agents who make a booking for an Opera-themed cruise next January a £10 HMV voucher so they can go and buy the CD.

The cruise is priced from £1,230 per person including flights; bookings have to be made by July 31 to qualify.

In case anyone does buy it, can they please tell me if there are any words other than "I'm in love with a fairytale" as that's the only bit I've heard. Several times.

After much deliberation, I hear Norway has decided to hold next year's contest in Oslo - actually I'm entirely sure where else would have had facilities for such a big event.

I trust Hurtigruten will be organising a Eurovision-themed cruise, with a big screen on the ship so passengers can watch all the excitement live.

Or maybe not.

People celebrating birthdays on cruises usually have to make do with a cake and rather tuneless happy birthday to you from the crew at the dinner table, but Dorothy Dick is a bit special.

Not only did she celebrate her 90th birthday on Hebridean Island Cruises' Hebridean Princess, but it was her 33rd cruise with the cruiseline. That makes her a very important person. So she was presented with a Harley Crossley print of the ship and a card signed by all the crew.

Here she is with the Captain Michael Hepburn, chief officer James Forbes Simpson, assistant purser Valeria Semina and chief purser Dave Indge.

It's lunchtime on my first day on Queen Mary 2 and I've picked some rather scrummy-looking Asian dishes from the Lotus, one of four sections in the King's Court self-service.

I find a table, sit down, taste the food and realise it needs some seasoning. Great. I've chosen a table without any salt or pepper pots. So I look at the neighbouring tables. No condiments on any of them.

I remember seeing chilli sauce at the servery yesterday afternoon. That will do, so I go to get some and what do I find? The salt and pepper. Not in pots, though, but small paper sachets, like you might expect in a cheap seaside cafe.

Most unimpressive for a luxury liner.

Apparently they have had to do that because the rather affluent people who think they are a bit special because they are cruising with Cunard (ah yes, I did come across a few of those during my transatlantic crossing) steal the salt and pepper pots (and anything else, given the chance).

"Do they have the Cunard logo on them," I ask David Stephenson, the hotel manager, thinking this might make it understandable, if still a bit tawdry. But no. They are ordinary, cheap pots - cheap especially after they discovered they kept going walkies.

I was assured more would be delivered to the ship when it docked in Southampton the next day. I wonder if they were.

The Miami Herald reports that a 46-year-old man has been rescued after falling from Carnival Cruise Lines' Carnival Inspiration while it was returning to Tampa port after a four-day cruise.

Apparently he went over the side after slipping while climbing on a railing to get a better view of the pilot boat. He was found clinging to a buoy.

I hope sight of the pilot boat was worth the ordeal. At least most people have the excuse of being drunk.

Here's something new for MSC Cruises - there will be two mini 10-pin bowling alleys on MSC Splendida when it is named in Barcelona next month.

The alleys have been scaled down to fit in the Sports Bar - even the balls are smaller to make them more manageable for youngsters - and while the surface looks the real thing, actually it is made from a tough phenol compound so passengers don't need special bowling shoes.

Of course, there is nothing new about bowling alleys at sea. Norwegian Cruise Line already has them on two ships - full size at that - and they will also be on the new Norwegian Epic, launching next year.

But as MSC points out, it is a first for a European ship. Meaning, I suppose, they now have something that Costa Cruises does not.

Now there's a challenge...

Some you lose. And the so-called "blimp" that made its debut on Oasis of the Seas last week, while Royal Caribbean International's megaship undertook its sea trials, was definitely a loser. Quite literally.

Apparently the vague idea is that the aerostat might fly 50 metres above the 5,400-passenger ship, as it is in the picture, offering thrill rides for those who fancied giving it a go. Problem, is, it might have been a little more thrilling than Royal was planning as during the trials it somehow became untethered and crash-landed into the sea.

I'll let Richard Fain, Royal Caribbean Cruises chairman and chief executive officer, tell it in his own inimicable way.

Then this morning, something happened and the balloon broke free. It ended up in the water and we are now taking steps to recover it and determine what happened. This is precisely why we do such tests (and why I don't take credit until we know whether or not they are successful).

John Cleese will be keeping the troops entertained on Silversea's new ship, Silver Spirit, next year, as it makes its way around South America on a 91-day Grand Inaugural Voyage from Fort Lauderdale to New York.

The Monty Python and Fawlty Towers star will be talking about his career and passing on anecdotes from his life on the Buenos Aires (just don't mention the war) to Santiago segment of the cruise, starting February 20 2010.

Dr Kathryn Sullivan, the first American woman to walk in space, will also be joining the Grand Inaugural, this time on the Los Angeles to New York segment starting April 2 2010, when she will be talking about her life as an astronaut.

If you're struggling to decide who would be more interesting, you could always stay on for the whole cruise - or at least go for 70 days, as you'll be eligible for lots of goodies including private car transfers, business-class air upgrade and up to $2,000 per suite onboard credits to spend on shore excursions or in the spa (as drinks and gratuities are included anyway).

You'll also be able to attend the vessel's naming ceremony in Fort Lauderdale, a special polo match in Barbados to honour the ship and you'll get prime seats for the Rio Carnaval parade, which will be in full swing when Silver Spirit arrives in Rio de Janeiro on February 14.

Your local cruise specialist agent will have more details.

US Coast Guards stepped in to help this week when a 72-year-old man cruising on Princess Cruises' Sea Princess had a fall.

The ship, which was about 80 miles south of Juneau in Alaska, contacted the Coast Guard at 09.35. By 12.05 the helicopter was hovering over the ship and lowing a swimmer to help at the deck end of the operation and a stretcher so the man could be winched off and whisked to hospital.

The Coast Guard caught the whole thing on video - well almost the whole thing. We never actually see the stretcher being pulled into the helicopter. But apparently it was and the man is now is a stable condition in hospital.

I am intrigued to know what persuaded Mr Meyer - or whoever started Meyer Werft shipyard in Germany in 1795 - that it would be a good idea to build ships up a river, miles from the sea.

I admit when the idea was conceived, ships were a lot smaller and who back then who would have thought they would get as big as Celebrity Cruises' 122,000-ton 2,850-passenger Celebrity Equinox, which managed to squeeze through the locks at the weekend, en route to its sea trials in the North Sea.

The ship had to be tugged backwards down the river (which is confusing when you are finding your way around as if you walk in the direction the ship is moving, which is forwards normally, you are actually going to the back, and vice-versa) and there was also a tug at the back, which was really the front, to keep the ship on course.

At about 10.30pm the cry went up that the lock gates connecting the shipyard to the river had opened so we rushed out to watch the first manoeuvre. I was still not convinced the ship would fit through the gap - especially when the clock ticked on to 12.30am and we were still in front of the first lock, pictured here.

I assumed they were carefully calculating widths. But no.

Apparently opening the lock gates created a wave and we had to wait for the wave to come back (I'm not entirely sure where it went but given the long wait it must have been a long way away) to give the ship enough depth to get through. It really was that critical.

"There's no way I'm buying till it gets out to sea," Dan Hanrahan, Celebrity's president and chief executive officer, had joked earlier. At least I think it was a joke.

Both sides of the locks were lined with locals who had been waiting in campervans for much of the day in the hope the ship would set off - it is always a bit touch and go whether this so-called conveyance will happen as planned as the wind and tides have to be exactly right.

As we went through, touching some grass overhanging the the bank I am sure, Rod Stewart's "We Are Sailing" blasted out from somewhere on land. Corny but appropriate.

The ship tugged on through the night - I am told at one point a bridge had to be dismantled for it to get through but I'm afraid I was asleep by then (I reckoned it would have been too dark to see much anyway). By 6.30am this was the rather murky view from my cabin.

By 7.30am, people were starting to line the river bank to watch our progress and by 10am, we were face to face with the next lock - well more a barrier - at Gandersum. Again it looked far too narrow but Equinox sailed through with room to spare! Enough space to park a London taxi cab, I am told. Really? That much?

All the unessential folk - that included me, other journalists and travel agents, and even Dan Hanrahan, who's only wanted next to sign the cheque - were dropped off at Emden in Germany and the ship sailed on to Eemshaven in Holland to collect provisions before heading out to be put through its sea trials.

With luck, that's where it is now. Another month and it will be in Southampton, where it is to be named by.... Ah sorry, you'll have to wait a few more days to find that out.

Next time you book a cruise that either starts or ends in Venice, be sure to add a night or two at the Cipriani.

It was my home for the night before the Azura float-out and it is wonderfully romantic, on an island across from St Mark's Square so you are away from the madding crowds but as there is a launch to take you back and forth 24 hours a day you can take on the hordes whenever you feel like it.

The service is truly classy (I asked the man who showed me to my room about using wifi and when I went downstairs 10 minutes later he had already arranged an access code for me) and my bedroom was gorgeous, with a bathroom big enough to get lost in. I think it has to be the only hotel I've stayed in that has ceramic holders for the pens.

Of course none of this comes cheap, but it is a perfect add-on to a ultra-luxury cruise. And as the luxury lines have so many deals around at the moment, you can always treat yourself to the hotel with the money you save on the cruise.

Just remember to take the one you love.

Proving that glitz isn't everything, the 800-passenger Marco Polo, which cruises from Tilbury in London, has beaten off ships with lavish theatres and big entertainment budgets to come number three in Cruise.co.uk's reader surveys.

Actually it was at number at the start of the week, but these scores change faster than Yulana Plotvinova changed her clothes on Crown Princess last summer.

At the time it was brought to my attention, Marco Polo was number one with 4.29 points out of 5. As I write this, it is number three with 4.23, behind Cunard and Thomson, but ahead of Princess, Royal Caribbean, Ocean Village and P&O Cruises.

If you want to see what all the fuss is about, there are always bargains to be had on Marco Polo. How about an 11-night cruise around the British Isles departing July 26 for £699 per person? And there are no gratuities to pay. At that price, you can't afford not to trade up to an outside cabin, which is just £100 more.

Katy Setterfield, who won the BBC TV series The One and Only as Dusty Springfield will be performing on board. Call 0845 833 9798 or check out the website for more information. 

Who says Carnival's Fun Ships are only for young people? A 90-year-old Californian resident, Isaac Levy, has been sailing on the line's four-day Baja Mexico itinerary every month for the past 14 years.

Unfortunately the story, from Carnival, does not relate why Levy has only ever sailed this route. Incredibly, he has done it almost 100 times.

Mini cruises are usually a good testing ground for first-timers to decide if they would like a cruise, but surely he should have decided by now.

This is a new one on me. A pub crawl on Holland America Line's Eurodam. It certainly beat another night in the theatre or listening to the rather tuneless piano man.

The pub crawl cost $20 per person and visited four bars with a different cocktail served in each. Helpfully this guy was on hand to make sure everyone got to the right place.

As I am no lover of cocktails, another journalist and I decided to crawl after the crawlers, so to speak, enjoying the fun but indulging in our preferred tipple.

Last stop the nightclub, where it all fizzled out, which was a shame as I reckon this has the makings of a good idea. Maybe with a different beer instead of an over-fruity and under alcoholic cocktail at each bar next time though.

A genuine question here. Can anyone tell me why you have to register with reception, sorry guest services, if you plan to carry your luggage off the ship at the end of the cruise?

All cruise ships want you off asap so they can get ready for the next lot of passengers, so why make a big deal if someone is prepared to get off themselves? Are they really ever going to insist you can't leave? I don't think so.

Holland America Line was the last ship I was on where it was "a must", but they all do it. I was given this slip (at least it says disembarkation and not the awful de'bark the Americans usually use), which had to be shown at the gangway as I left.

Guess what? None of the crew at the gangway on Eurodam was in the slightest bit interested that I was leaving the ship and certainly no one asked to see the piece of paper. So it can join the pile of others I have at home (that is a joke - I'm really not that sad!).

 The ship I am sailing on in Svalbard, Lindblad's National Geographic Explorer, was once a passenger/vehicle ferry called Lyngen that sailed the Norwegian coast between Bergen to Kirkenes for Hurtigruten.

It was acquired in 2007 by Lindblad, a US company that specialises in small ship exploration cruises, completely gutted so instead of carrying 500 passengers it carries 148, and had a super class 1A ice-strengthened hull added that can take on sea ice.

Or at least that's what the captain told us as we smashed our way through the ice floes. And I guess I am still here to tell the tale.

The ship itself is simple but functional, designed to ensure you never walk in a straight line, as one passenger observed!

There is a lounge, an observation lounge-cum-library, a sauna and two spa rooms where you can have all sorts of treatments with fun names such as Marine Iguana salt glow and Sea Lion relaxation massage. I had a very deep Humpback Whale deep tissue massage.

There are two bars and one restaurant where you help yourself to breakfast and lunch, and dinner is served. It's always open dining, so we can sit with different people each night; dinner is served in one sitting, usually at 7.30pm.

Where the car deck used to be is the mud room, possibly the most important place on the ship, as this is where you get on and off the inflatable zodiacs that take you ashore. The ship carries 11 ordinary zodiacs, one with a glass bottom and a last one used to take a remotely-operated camera deep down to see what's happening below the surface.

We've had three film shows courtesy of David, who even went diving one morning to bring us footage.

Each day we have had a wake-up call at 6.30am to 7am, during the day there are non-landing zodiac cruises that get us up close to glaciers or icebergs, or go in search for seals, hikes ashore, hours spent looking for - and watching - Polar bears and whales, and talks. And of course the chance to have a spa treatment.

All very exhausing - at least the business of getting ready is, as you lots of need layers of clothes, hats and gloves to stave off the cold.

By 10pm each night, unless there is a walrus or bear sighting, the ship has been like the Marie Celeste as everyone is in bed getting ready for the next busy day.

Day two of our cruise in Svalbard, the inflatables were lowered into the water and we all went on a non-landing zodiac cruise in search of wildlife.

No sooner had we cast off from our ship, Lindblad's National Geographic Explorer, than we hit the jackpot - three walruses sitting on an iceberg apparently only too content to have their pictures taken.

They are frighteningly big animals. Mike, our zodiac driver and one of the expedition team photographers on board the ship, was getting very nervous when two slid into the water and disappeared from sight, leaving this one to pose for us.

Just to make sure we shared his concern, he said a walrus had been known to rip open the bottom of a zodiac. With those tusks, I guess it's not such a surprise. After we had all duly ooohed and aaahed, we carried on shooting. After all, how many times do you get a chance to take a picture like this?

Next day we were due to go ashore but plan A had to be abandonned when a Polar bear was spotted where we were going to walk. So we reverted to plan B - a landing on the island of Barentsoya.

Ilana and I did the long walk - about three hours - with Richard at the front, armed with a gun, and Jen at the rear, also armed, to make sure there are no stragglers as they are the ones most likely to be picked off by a bear. The rules are strict here. You stick with your group at all times; once you set off on a walk, there is no turning back.

For those less mobile, there are short and medium walks, and even photography walks, which you might spend 30 minutes snapping a flower so you need to be keen!

Back on board we continued north, cruised through a narrow channel known as the Worm Hole because of the way the currents twist and turn, and into what they call the East Side.

It was colder and more barren than where we had come from but produced more Polar bear sightings, including a mother and cub and this little guy, who we caught having breakfast. He then came right up to the side of the ship, quite unperturbed by the giant blue and white thing that had been breaking up his ice.

We found him after our breakfast and spent about two hours watching him, by which time my feet and hands were frozen. And then I spotted one of the expedition team guys wearing flip-flops. I'm still intrigued to think anyone would even think of packing a pair to go to the Arctic!

I always thought Svalbard was the Norwegian name for Spitsbergen and that therefore the two were interchangeable. Now I am here I have learned I was wrong as they mean two quite different things.

Svalbard is the name of the archipelago of islands, north of Norway, while Spitsbergen is one of the islands in the archipelago.

Svalbard was discovered in 1596 by a Dutchman, Willem Barentz, who, I'm assuming, is the same person who gave his name to the water north of Russia and east of this archipelago. It has been governed by Norway since the 1920s, but belongs to no one country.

Longyearbyen is the capital of Spitsbergen (and the archipelago as there isn't much other human life around here), is home to about 2,000 people and is named after an American, John Mason Longyear, who founded it in 1906 as a base for coal mining. Byen means town and was added when Svalbard came under Norwegian governance. Until then, it was know as The City Longyear.

It is 2,313km to Oslo from Longyearbyen and just 1,338km to the North Pole.

Law firm Irwin Mitchell has taken up the case of 17 passengers on a Thomson Spirit cruise in May who were struck down by norovirus.

It's the same-old story. Passengers get ill on a cruise and their holiday is ruined, so they seek compensation. If they are lucky they get a good hand-out - good enough for them to afford another cruise with the same line that have just accused of lacking hygiene standards.

What interested me more when digging around on the Irwin Mitchell site was the following statement by Vivien Sadler from Notttingham on Marco Polo, which was recently so badly hit by norovirus that the cruise had to be cancelled.

A tolerant soul clearly, she has usefully found a way to stop these outbreaks.

"I am extremely upset as it appears they continued to allow elderly people to board the ship despite knowing how vulnerable they are to illnesses such as Norovirus."

So there you are. Ban elderly people because they get ill. Wonder how that will go down at Fred Olsen, Swan Hellenic - and Transocean Tours, which runs Marco Polo for that matter - given "elderly people" are their bread and butter.

This is what happens when you turn your back on civilisation and go to the Arctic for a few days, cut off from both internet and phone.

A cruiseline names another ship.

This time it was MSC Cruises and the new ship was MSC Splendida, which that master of the understatement chief executive officer Pierfrancisco Vago has branded "the most beautiful ship in the world".

But at least he has admitted he was wrong when giving that moniker to sister ship MSC Fantasia when that was named in Naples in December last year. It would have been pushing it, even for MSC, to have two most beautiful ships in the world.

This is the 10th ship to join the MSC fleet, named as ever by Sophia Loren, but this time it all happened in Barcelona. Next one on the conveyor is MSC Magnifica, which will be named in Hamburg next year - I predict by, you've guessed it, Sophia Loren.

Am I the only one who feels that's getting just a little boring? Are there no other Italian woman up to the job? Maybe we should start a competition? My nomination - Carla Bruni aka Mrs Sarkozy.

The naming actually happened on July 12 but seems the emails via the Arctic so took a little longer to get to me than one would expect (!). Never mind. I liked the pictures so much I had to use them anyway.

Nakheel, the company that bought the QE2, has admittted the ship will be making another final cruise, this time to Cape Town, South Africa, where the ship will be moored at the V&A Waterfront, which is owned by Dubai World, Nakheel's parent company.

It will be put to work as a floating hotel, providing additional accommodation in Cape Town during the 2010 World Cup and much-needed cash for Nakheel, which Maktoob Business reports has been hard hit by the collapse of Dubai's real estate market.

The company itself has put some of its projects, including the Trump Tower, on hold and has retrenched hundreds of staff amid a slump in property sales.

Presumably then Nakheel can't afford to carry through its grandiose plans to turn the 40-year- old ship, for which it paid £50 million, into a seven-star floating hotel. Not at the moment at least.

Manfred Ursprunger, chief executive officer of QE2 Enterprises at Nakheel Hotels said the move to Cape Town is only for 18 months so the next last voyage won't be the last either.

I wonder where it will go next? How about back to Southampton?

I also wonder if they will sell any of these voyages to paying passengers. Imagine if you had paid to be on the last one, from Southampton to Dubai, only to find there is another last one. There would be some very unhappy people out there.

Before I left for my Arctic cruise with Lindblad I mentioned I was taking my daughter so I would be able to get a teenage perspective about the trip. A bit delayed but here it is, after this picture of her in reflective mood on one of the warm days (note the lack of hats, scarfs and coats compared to the picture below).

I was really looking forward to my cruise in Svalbard. The main thing I wanted to see was the Ice Bear, and on the first day I saw two. It was a shame that you couldn't go very close to them, but the ship had powerful telescopes for us to look through which was great - although once they became pointless as a young Polar bear came right up to the ship.

I also found the history of Svalbard very interesting and one of the naturalists in the expedition team gave a fascinating talk about his experience when he lived as a trapper for one year. At the end of every day the naturalists would do a thing called a recap, when they picked up on something that happened that day and gave us more information related to it.

There was one under-sea naturalist and he looked at the underwater life. I found this interesting, because in geography you talk about the effects the glaciers have on the land but not on the effect they have underwater, and you never get to see the animal life right at the bottom of the ocean.

The ship was small, but it wasn't crowded and there was good service. The only problem I had with it was that there was nothing to do during the days at sea, which there could be a lot of, because you couldn't be sure of getting ashore due to bad weather or Polar bears!

We did a couple of Zodiac cruises, which were great fun. Zodiacs are small inflatable boats that allowed us to get very close to icebergs and glaciers. The first one we did we saw three walruses and on the second one we saw this seal.

While cruising around the islands one of the expedition team spotted a Blue Whale. The Blue Whale is the largest animal on the planet. This was very exciting and we were very lucky to see it. We also saw puffins and huge bird cliffs inhabited by thousands upon thousands of Brunnich's guillemots.

It was a great cruise but the drawback is that you can't be guaranteed to see any of this. It's not a zoo. And the wind was usually very cold which meant we had to keep well wrapped up.

If I had one criticism of Swan Hellenic on my last cruise with them it was that most of the lectures were just a bit, how can I say this, dull.

Presented by highly-qualified "ology" types who are very learned in their field for sure but generally lacking a little light and dark.

Now what do they do, but bring on someone else with an "ology"?

Well sort of. Actually it's Maureen Lipman, aka the Jewish granny in the BT TV ad "You got an ology?". Apparently as "massive" Swan fan, she'll be on the 15-day In the Footsteps of Alexander the Great cruise (from £1,695 per person) departing October 3 from Istanbul to Alexandria and regaling passengers with tales of her life and work.

Don't think there will be too many nodding heads for those talks.

This one courtesy of the UK team at Carnival Cruise Lines, which is the only link with cruising, but never mind. It's a good talking point for friends and colleages this morning.

Today, August 7, 2009, at 12 hours, 34 minutes and 56 seconds the time and date will be:

12:34:56 07/08/09

That's 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9

Apparently this will never happen in our life again.

Just imagine - someone has bothered to work that out!

Royal Caribbean International will need to find 410,400 passengers between January and the end of September 2011 to fill its two mega-ships, Oasis of the Seas, launching this December, and Allure of the Seas, launching in December 2010.

That's based on the double occupancy capacity of 5,400 passengers per ship over 76 Eastern and Western Caribbean sailings.

If they want to fill all the berths they'll need 471,200 passengers. That's the British armed forces twice over. 

Wow.

Interesting news this week from St Kilda, which should be celebrating this year's record number of cruise visits but is instead dismayed to discover that cruisers are apt to walk off with anything that is not screwed down.

Apparently the island, in the Outer Hebrides, has had more than 5,000 cruise ship visitors this year from 24 vessels - up from 16 last year.

"To the popular cruise ship island ports of call like St Kitts, St Lucia and St Martin, you can now add St Kilda," says the press release. Well not quite, but guess that's quite a lot of folk for the Western Isles.

Anyway, seems the joy at having all those tourists has been short lived as quite a few are taking a bit of St Kilda back home with them.

Susan Bain, National Trust for Scotland Western Isles manager, said the code of conduct drawn up for cruise ship visitors asks that they do not litter, disturb the birds, chase the rare Soay sheep or put anything they find in their pocket.

"Some people are tempted to behave in an unsocial way. We do know, sadly, that certain island artefacts have been liberated."

Oh the joys of mass-market tourism!

I was intrigued by an email last week announcing that Monday - yesterday, that is - was the first day of National Rekindle Romance Week.

I know we are a little way off April 1, but never having heard of such a thing I did wonder. It's for real, said the PR company that sent it - by the way launching a new wedding vows package from over-50s specialist Saga Holidays.

But, um, sorry, we got the date wrong. Actually it's from August 17-23.

Just as I was writing it off as next week's news, along comes an email from love's own cruiseline Princess Cruises saying they have teamed up with Cruise Critic to launch a search for tales of romance aboard a Princess ship to celebrate National Romance Week (seems they are not bothering with the rekindling bit), which started - yes you've guessed it - yesterday.

Anyway, either this week or next, it's something-to-do-with-being-romantic week. Or maybe we should just forget about dates and go for a romance fortnight.

The winning story will win a one-week Princess cruise in the Caribbean. Deadline for entries is September 28.

Cruise Critic's editor-in-chief Carolyn Spencer Brown kicks off the story search with news that she met her hubbie on a cruise. Well I have my own tale to tell, because I got married on a cruise ship. A Princess one, of course, married at sea by the Captain when no other cruiseline was able to do that.

It was a great day - made especially great for me because Princess did everything for us, from preparing the venue to providing witnesses, booking a wedding dinner and providing the cake. All we had to do was turn up at the right place at the right time.

It was all so easy I would happily do it all again. Oh, except of course I can't. I'm already married.

Well, a picture of one anyway. Marine artist Wyland (he doesn't appear to have another name) was on board Ruby Princess on the cruise just before mine and apparently agreed to paint this dolphin mother and baby in one of the ship's swimming pools as they approached Venice.

Passengers were able to watch his progress live, and the event was also shown on the Movies under the Stars screen by the other pool.

"Dum-de-dum. Can you see what it is yet?"

Well yes, but only because the pool is empty. I just had a quick peek at it, now full of water and people, and you can just about make out some blue lines - if you know to look that is.

Wyland agreed to paint the dolphin and baby as a way to increase awareness of his conservation message, says Princess. Nice sentiment, but not quite sure it works.

If anyone doubted the continued interest in cruising, consider these two events being held in honour of holidays at sea over the next few months.

National Cruise Week is from September 20-27, when agents up and down the country will be running special promotions and holding cruise events.

A perfect time for anyone who is not sure to find out more and for everyone to book their cruise.

Then in March 2010, the Cruise show is back after an hugely successful debut in 2009.

It's on March 27-28 and this time it's being held at London's Olympia in Kensington with new attractions including a rock-climbing courtesy of Royal Caribbean International, and a Blue Guide Wall, where cruise lines can post offers and visitors can put up reviews.

There'll be expert advice for regular and first-time cruisers, and a Champagne bar and casino - playing with show dollars - so you can start to feel as you really are already at sea!

Royal Caribbean had a terrific show last year, which is no doubt why it is back, but more than 20 cruiselines are already signed up including Celebrity Cruises, Carnival Cruise Lines, Holland America Line, P&O Cruises, Princess Cruises and Cunard.

Tickets cost £6 in advance or £8 at the door. Book here or call 0871 230 7147.

Rumours are flying that Carnival Corp is close to ordering new ships and that Princess Cruises is in the frame for a new-build.

If it's true, I'm guessing it won't be one as that doesn't make financial sense so you can be sure at least two more little Princesses are on the way - or big Princesses more likely given the last new Princess ships were Ruby, Emerald and Crown, each with capacity for just over 3,000 passengers.

Given all the investment Princess has been making in its ships of late, adding adult-only Sanctuary spaces and piazza-like atriums, you can also be sure that any new ships would have these signature features.

I'm not surprised at the new-build rumours. I reported in Travel Weekly a few weeks ago that shipyards are facing empty order books from 2012 and are getting desperate for business. And desperation, as we have seen with all the discounting on the high street during the recession, does wonders for prices as far as buyers are concerned.

I suggested that if cruiselines believe the industry will continue to grow, as they say they do, they need to order new tonnage. And now, with prices down, would seem a good time.

UBS equity analyst Robin Farley says shipbuilding prices in euros now are at the same level as five years ago and that Carnival ordered ships at those prices in the past.

If the orders are placed this year, we would start to see the new ships from 2012.

... who has the youngest fleet of all?

No doubt about it, says Peter Shanks, president and managing director of Cunard, who is launching a new logo with the words "youngest fleet in the world" for the line's marketing material.

But wait, what's this on the Norwegian Cruise Line website? A claim to have the youngest fleet on the planet (clearly the world is not enough).

And this on the MSC Cruises website? "The most modern fleet in the world." "Modern" is not the same as age, it's true, but it's quite clear what they mean as underneath it says their ships have an average age of five years.

Who is right? More to the point, do cruisers really care?

TV's best loved fox, Basil Brush, has started a summer season at sea, sailing around the Med with casual cruiseline Ocean Village's original ship, the eponymous Ocean Village.

He will be performing live (!) for kids of all ages and making himself available for photos, naturally wearing his trademark tweed cape, waistcoat and cravat.

If you fancy a cruise with the foxy fella, call 0845 358 5000 or contact your ABTA agent.

Basil Brush® © 2009 I Owen/P Firmin/Entertainment Rights PLC

Princess Cruises might have done away with Captain's evenings, when the masters of their vessels had to shake hands and be photographed with an endless procession of passengers on the gala evenings, but that doesn't mean they get an easy life.

No, instead they have to greet and have their photo taken with every passenger who wants to pour some fizz into the Champagne waterfall. Or at least Captain Tony Draper, the master of the Ruby Princess, had to on our first formal night.

Seemed a great idea until I saw the queue...

...so I contented myself with a captain-less picture of me in front of the waterfall instead.

Can you imagine the patience needed to get all those glasses set up? Or being the person who knocked one while the tower was being built? And I certainly would not like to be the one having to clean up the mess afterwards!

After Daniel Knopp, then 14 years old, threw a message in a wine bottle from his cabin balcony on Royal Caribbean's Grandeur of the Seas just after the ship had departed Freeport in the Bahamas, he went about the business of growing up and never thought any more about it.

Until now. Five years on, the bottle has turned up in Perranporth, Cornwall, having completed a 4,000-mile journey across the Atlantic.

It was found by local resident Tony Hoskins, who spent seven weeks trying to find the author of the note, which read:

"Hello, my name is Daniel Knopp. I am on a cruise ship. I hope whoever reads this finds great joy. God bless. I live in the Baltimore/DC area."

Internet searches and a call to the local paper in Cornwall all did the trick. The Baltimore Sun was contacted and finally Daniel, now 19 and at university in Maryland, was tracked down.

It's a great story, but not something I'd recommend others try. Throwing stuff from balconies on cruise ships is a big no-no these days - imagine lazing on your balcony and having a bottle appear from above! - and we are supposed to be keeping the seas clean, you know.

I see Maureen Lipman will no longer be joining Swan Hellenic's Footsteps of Alexander the Great cruise as a speaker next month.

Officially she is too busy, unofficially it's to do with being on the ship with Richard Ingrams, editor of the Oldie, who has become somewhat trenchant in his views about Israel.

As they always say, cruising and politics don't mix. OK, so I made that up, but maybe it's a good thing she won't be there if there is such a big bone of contention between them.

Then again, it might have made for some lively alternative entertainment.

Did you all remember to watch Olly Smith's wine tasting webisode on P&O Cruises' website last week? Well worth a few minutes to enjoy his laid-back, informal style and see what's coming for the folk on Azura .

Here's the link.

http://www.pocruises.com/azura/_html/wineOnTheWeb.html

One of the biggest disappointments on my recent Med cruise on Ruby Princess was the entertainment in the atrium, especially after I saw some great cameo acts there on Ruby when it launched last year and also on Crown Princess in the Baltic last year.

This time we had two stilt walkers dressed as pirates, who appeared again and again, really just having their pictures taken with passengers, which was deadly dull.

But just as we were getting to the end of the cruise, these two appeared - duo Claudio, an act that basically involved him throwing her about at breathtaking speed.

This balancing on him is nothing. Several times he threw her way up into the air - and caught her luckily! - and one time I swear he nearly dashed her brains out when he swept her, upside-down, between his legs, centimetres away from the floor.

I was so amazed at his strength and her absolute faith in him that I was there for each of their performances. I also saw them in Monaco, posing for a picture outside the Royal Palace, he holding her in the air with one hand.

Guess standing side by side for a picture is just so mundane.

Am I the only one who spots a similarity between the new test-drive lunches Thomson Cruises is launching next year and my idea about excursions to ships?

OK, they're not quite the same as Thomson Cruises is only opening its gangway to land-lubbers on resort-based holidays booked with either Thomson or First Choice, not cruisers who want to take a look at another ship.

But the philosophy is the same: Make use of port days to show off your ship to new potential passengers.

It's good to know someone is taking notes!

Captain Jack Sparrow, hero of the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy, has topped a YouGov poll to determine the top squeeze on the high seas.

Some 10% of the 2,034 questioned picked Captain Jack, played by Johnny Depp, as their favourite cruise partner, way ahead of Tom Cruise on just 1%. For the men, it was Penelope Cruz, who gained 6% of the vote.

Katrina Leskanich of Katrina and the Waves fame, and comedian Joan Rivers (you'll notice someone has been working overtime here to come up with celebs with watery names) who each gained one per cent of the vote. Crooner Billy Ocean didn't even manage that!

In fact, more than half of those polled (56%) said their favourite cruise partner would be, well their real partner. Women were most loyal with 61% choosing their partners, while 52% of men named their spouse.

Or "a quick lesson in how to build a ship".

Ever wondered how 32,000 tonnes of sheet metal, girders and fittings becomes a luxurious cruise ship? Then check out this video released by Yachts of Seabourn showing how its new big ship (450 passengers!) Seabourn Odyssey was put together.

It's come out just in time to promote a new offer for the 14-night maiden voyage of Seabourn's next new ship, Seabourn Sojourn.

The cruise departs Greenwich, London, on June 6 2010, visits Scotland, Denmark, Iceland, Norway and the Netherlands and ends in Dover on June 20. Prices start at £5,599 per person cruise-only including all drinks and gratuities but if you want a balcony, it'll cost from £6,199.

For details call Seabourn at 0845 070 0500 or visit www.seabourn.com.

Still wondering about the hero bit in the headline? The Odyssey was all about the wanderings of Odysseus, the hero of the Trojan war. Tenuous or what?

Some interesting news from Saga at a lunch yesterday with Susan Hooper, former very important person at Royal Caribbean Cruises and now chief executive, travel division, at the over-50s specialist.

Apparently of the 5.2 million over-50s who take package holidays each year, 50% are familiar with the brand, 35% didn't know Saga offered holidays and 10% have taken a Saga holiday.

For those not in the know, Saga has its own cruiseline and also a huge land-based holidays programme. About 15% of all its holidaymakers take a cruise.

More interesting for Hooper is that 40% said they would consider taking a Saga holiday against just 18% "rejecters" who said they knew of Saga and would not travel with them either because they were just not interested or had holidayed with them and decided it was not for them.

Only 2% said they would not travel with Saga again as it was too expensive or fellow travellers were too old.

Hooper admitted she was surprised by the findings.

"The Saga stigma is not as great as we thought as a large chunk of those 5.2 million are clearly well disposed to the brand."

So why don't those 40% holiday with Saga? Well that's the big question that's taxing Hooper's brain right now. Any suggestions gratefully received.

Luxury line Crystal Cruises is bringing Poles on to its two ships to ensure passengers never have to walk alone.

Confused? You certainly will be when I tell you these Poles are from Norway.

OK, they are actually Nordic Walking Poles, lightweight and designed to evenly distribute stress while you're walking. Apparently they increase stability, improve balance (which could be useful in rough weather) and will even help you to burn up more calories.

And you thought you were going on a cruise to do nothing for a week!

Rick Deutsch, a Nordic Walking Poles specialist, will be on Crystal Serenity's October 8 cruise from Athens to Venice and Crystal Symphony's October 19 voyage from New York to Montreal to introduce the Poles and train the ships' fitness instructors for future cruises.

Research commissioned by the Passenger Shipping Association for National Cruise Week shows what a strange bunch of travellers we Brits are.

Some 46% of British cruisers take their iPod or MP3 player, which I guess is understandable, seven out of 10 take their mobile phone on a cruise and 31% take their laptop. I can certainly understand these too as I always have both my mobile and laptop, but I am working. These people are supposed to be on holiday!

An astonishing 27% take their favourite teabags or another drink from home. Why? I rarely drink tea these days, but I'm sure I remember from when I used to drink it regularly that not only were there teabags on ships, but also plenty of choice - English breakfast, Earl Grey, peppermint, and so on. And it was always free.

Apparently 39% of women (most of them from the Midlands and Scotland) consider hair staighteners indispensible - and so do 4% of men! And 14% of women bring their own pillow compared to 7% of men. I have always wondered why people who cruise have so many suitcases. Now I know.

While other cruiselines are shouting from the roof tops about the new ships they are launching next year, Oceania Cruises is being extremely quiet.

Its new ship Marina is supposed to launch at the end of next year, but although we have had itineraries for Cunard's Queen Elizabeth (out Oct 2010), and Royal Caribbean's Allure of the Seas (out Dec 2010) for a long time, we don't even have a launch date for Oceania's new 1,258-passenger baby.

Instead I've had a hint that launch will be delayed until the start of 2011, which would explain why the 2010/11 winter programme released a couple of weeks ago doesn't even mention the new ship.

However, I see that while Nautica and Insignia are each back in the Med for summer 2011, Regatta's winter season finishes in Los Angeles.

I'm thinking the Mexican Riviera and Hawai'i could be on the cards, varying depending on time of year, which would be something new - and leave much-needed room in the Med for the new ship.

You saw them here first - some of the trees and shrubs that are destined to be in the Central Park neighbourhood on Royal Caribbean International's mega new ship, the 225,000-ton, 5,400-passenger Oasis of the Seas.

They are being grown at nurseries around South Florida and as soon as Oasis arrives in Fort Lauderdale in November, they will be shipped out and take up residence in their new home.

The first picture shows Garcinia Spicata, commonly known as Mangosteen. Of course it is. Helpfully, the website I looked it up on also tells me it is a tree.

The second picture is of a vine - Trachelospermum Jasminoides, to be precise, known as Confederate jasmine or Star jasmine. Apparently it's not a true jasmine but it does like to climb. Could be interesting for the passengers in inside balconies!

...and to celebrate the new ship's inaugural cruise, Carnival Cruise Lines' president and chief executive officer Gerry Cahill took on cruise director and fellow blogger John Heald on the two-lane racing slide in the vessel's Aqua Park for the princely bet of $1. Winner takes all!

Heald, being British, decided the best way to do this was with his socks on. Oh, and almost fully dressed as well.

You can read all about it, and see more pictures, on John's blog.

As I predicted, it had to happen. Carnival cruise director and fellow blogger John Heald reports that the cruise line has changed the way they do the lifeboat drill on new ship Carnival Dream.

People now gather in the loungers instead of having to stand in line at their muster station, which is more the norm these days anyway, but surprise, surprise, passengers no longer have to bring their lifejackets to the drill.

Sound familiar?

That's one more down, how many more to go?

Fantastic news greeted the cruise industry here in Barcelona for the Travel Convention this morning as the Passenger Shipping Association revealed 5% more Britons will have a holiday at sea this year.

That's despite the fact we have been locked in the worst recession known to mankind for the past year.

I'm especially delighted as only last month I forecast there would be growth this year, flying in the face of the PSA's nil growth prediction. And I said in in front of two people from the PSA so there's proof!

Sadly my forecasting skills let me down badly when it came to predicting what sbjects would be covered during the Q&A session with Carnival Corp chairman and chief executive officer Micky Arison here in Barcelona.

Was he asked the prospects for a future new-build programme, the need for more capacity, about what is happening in Alaska, about whether he will bring a Carnival ship back to the UK - or at least the Med - in 2011.

No. Moderator Jeremy Vine asked him about "that" fight on P&O Cruises' Ventura, about the problems of discounting so much that the "wrong" sort of passengers are able to cruise, and why Carnival vessels became known as the Fun Ships.

What a wasted opportunity. I know I'm not the only one who was disappointed not to hear some real insights for the future from a man with so much power and influence in the world of cruising. Judging by some of his responses, I reckon Arison was a bit bewildered by it all a well.

But the interview did allow him to show us what a great sense of humour he has.

Asked which is the biggest cruise ship, he admitted he couldn't recall, but that "Queen Mary 2 was up there". When asked whether the industry could have been "knocked for six" by the recession, he admitted he didn't know what that meant. "Smashed", Vine translated. "That means being drunk to me," Arison smiled.

I have had a email from Virgin Atlantic to say thay I can now earn Flying Club miles with every cruise I book through Virgin Holidays Cruises - four miles for every £1 spent.

What a good idea. So good, in fact, that I'm just baffled they never did it before.

It was a sad day for Fred Olsen on Friday, as a lucky few of us gathered on board Black Prince for cruising's answer to the Last Supper - the Last Lunch.

After 43 years of sterling service for Fred, the ship has fallen foul of new SOLAS (Safety of Life at Sea) regulations coming in in 2010 and been sold to a company in Venezuela, where it will be operating three and four-night cruises in coastal waters (as it will never be more than 12 miles from the coast, the SOLAS regs don't apply).

Black Prince has an interesting past - it was built in 1966 and combined the roles of summer North Sea passenger and car ferry and winter joint passenger and cargo vessel to the Canary Islands until 1986, when its ferry days ended and it became a fully-fledged cruise ship.

At that time there were 100,000 cruise passengers in the UK and Fred Olsen carried 10,000 of them, marketing director Nigel Lingard reminded us. Today, there are 1.55 million British cruisers and Fred Olsen carries 100,000 of them. Times have certainly changed.

While we were saying our fond farewells over drinks and lunch, workers were busy painting out names and packing up everything that was not nailed down, including about £1 million of artwork. Goodness knows how they were going to get this one off the wall, but they have to - it's allegedly worth "a six-figure sum".

All the art is going into storage in Oslo, while everything else - crockery, cutlery, glassware and so on - is going into a warehouse in Southampton until such time as it is needed again.

And it will be one day, it seems, as Fred Olsen has eyes on a new-build - or at least it did until the euro went wild. If the currency ever returns to normal, the plan is to build a ship that holds around 1,500 passengers and has lots of balconies.

Passenger Shipping Association director Bill Gibbons added his memories of cruising on Black Prince to the farewell speeches. Something about a rubber ring and split swimming trunks. Enough. This is a family blog after all.

Provided all the money is transfers according to plan, Fred Olsen will hand over the keys to the new owner on Tuesday but the ship will remain laid up in Southampton until October 25, when it will leave the UK for the last time.

As Lingard said: "A sad moment but life moves on."

Of the four ships in Barcelona last week during the Travel Convention, the only one I did not know was Thomson Cruises' Thomson Destiny so it was good to have a few hours on board, eating - the food was very good and wow, what a lot of it! - drinking and even finding time for a quick look around.

It's an older ship, built in 1982, and the first thing that struck me was the big corridors. Very much the style in those days when cruise ships were so much simpler. Somewhere to eat, a coup[le of lounges and that's you lot. Oh, and you can have big corridors too.

It would have been interesting to see how big (or small) the cabins were, but it wasn't possible as they were all occupied.

Destiny is currently the biggest ship in the Thomson fleet - 37,773 tons and with room for 1,450 passengers - but that will changes in April next year when the 1,506-passenger Costa Europa becomes Thomson Dream.

But things could be changing anyway, even without the arrival of the new ship. Having done a U-turn and decided to keep the more casual Island Cruises as a separate cruise line, TUI's director of cruise UK and Ireland David Selby is keen to build up the brand.

Thomson Celebration and Spirit are sister ships and unlikely to be separated, and Dream is a nice fit with both as, like them, it used to be a Holland America ship. So apart from taking on additional tonnage, that leaves Destiny.

Don't expect anything to happen immediately though. Selby reminds me that Thomson took Destiny on in 2005, on a six-year charter so decisions on its renewal or otherwise have to be made before plans move any further.

But remember, you heard it here first.

Here are a few picture from the Destiny. I took the top one as I was so intrigued by the name. Klahoma lounge. I was even struggling to say it. Then I discovered that bit at the beginning was an "O"!

You can also see the Can Can show lounge, the amazingly wide corridor outside the lift and some of outside deck space. I was surprised to see a large - for British ships - casino. Apparently as long as you don't ask for big bucks, the Brits will give it a go.

Cruise Critic's editorial team has selected what they consider the best of the best when it comes to cruising in their first UK awards.

Sixteen cruise lines, ships and ports have been honoured in the awards, including a very happy Fred Olsen, which was the only line to walk away with top place in two categories - "Best of seeing the world" and "Best refurbished ship", namely Braemar.

Most lines get a look in somehow - even little Hebridean Island Cruises which is named "Best for royalty" - and the awards are much as you'd expect - Princess best for romance, Thomson Cruises best for first-timers and Ocean Village best for families.

There are also awards for food, fitness and fun, luxury, celebrity spotting and river cruising. That went to Uniworld, a name not actually known here as it's sold exclusively by Titan Travel under the Elegant River Cruises' name.

Of course you can't have an awards ceremony without one or two surprises. Southampton as best departure port? Only if you've never hit it on a busy turnaround day.

And what's this? P&O Cruises named "best for stag and hen parties". Hmm. Not sure they will be shouting too loudly about that.

Got any P&O Cruises' bits and bobs lying around the house? Well now's the time to turn them to good use.

The cruise line is calling all collectors to loan them their memorabilia - pictures, souvenirs, whatever - for a heritage display on Azura during its maiden season that will later do the rounds across the fleet.

It's all about celebrating P&O's long and illustrious history, explains Carol Marlow, managing director.

"I am sure many people have items of historical importance and sentimental relevance which we would love to share with all our passengers and have on loan for Azura's maiden season....Our ships have played a significant part in the shaping of the cruise industry and I am sure that this collection will evoke many memories of cruises past."

If you'd like to contribute something to the display, send a photo and short explanation of the item and its history and provenance in the first instance to Michele Andjel, P&O Cruises, Carnival House, 100 Harbour Parade, Southampton SO15 1ST, marking your envelope "Memorabilia".

The information can alternatively be emailed to michele.andjel@carnivalukgroup.com.

You should not send any items until asked.

Last Friday evening I was glued to my computer, listening to a live Norwegian Cruise Line webcast about the entertainment on Norwegian Epic.

I admit I wasn't enthralled with the Blue Man Group, which is going to be performing eight times per cruise on Epic. It's great to have something different on a cruise ship, but I caught a taste of their performance during the "reveal" in New York in May and felt quite queasy (!) watching what they did with what I think were marshmallows.

I'm not saying more - you'll have to go on board to find out!

But on to Friday's news. There will be duelling pianos in a late-night rock-and-roll show called Howl at the Moon, which is performed at 14 venues across the US and will be playing four times per cruise, and Legends in Concert, a tribute show that plays in Las Vegas among other US cities.

I'm not usually a fan of someone pretending to be a big star because too often they don't have even the physical presence to carry it off, never mind the voice, but judging by the website the "Legends" at least have to look like the people they are playing.

I'll have to wait until I go on board the ship, which launches next July, to judge if they sound like them as well, but I reckon both shows look really fun and exciting.

During the webcast, NCL's entertainment's chief Richard Kilman said his goal is to change the face of cruise ship entertainment on the 4,200-passenger Norwegian Epic.

Wouldn't it be nice if, in so doing, he changed the face of cruise ship entertainment per se and we were able finally to put to rest the dire songs from the shows.

When I went down to Southampton for a farewell lunch on Black Prince on October 16, Fred Olsen was expecting to hand over the keys to the ship's new owners within a few days.

In the event, it took almost three weeks, but at last, on November 4, Fred got its money and new owner, Servicios Acuaticos de Venezuela Saveca, a Venezuelan company, got its ship.

In its new life, the vessel will be called Ola Esmeralda and sail three and four-night coastal cruises off Venezuela.

The corks were popping at Princess Cruises on Friday, after the cruise line was voted Best luxury cruise line at the British Travel Awards on Thursday night.

This is a great award to win as votes are cast by the people Princess has to impress the most - the cruisers - and clearly it has succeeded. In spades.

Head of brand marketing Pieter van der Schee is naturally delighted.

"It reflects the success of Princess Cruises in the UK and highlights consumer recognition of our unrivalled American-style luxury service and 'can-do' attitude."

Costa Cruises has announced the names for its next two ships - they will be Costa Favolosa and Costa Fascinosa, and are due for delivery in summer 2011 and spring 2012 respectively.

In fact, the first building block for Favolosa is being laid today - remember, remember the fifth of November - at Fincantieri's Marghera shipyard in Italy.

The names were the favourites from a shortlist of 25 pairs of names posted on the website. Apparently 42,000 visitors to the website voted.

So how unfortunate - and indeed coincidental! - is it that they picked one of the names arch-rival MSC Cruises had chosen for one of its next new-builds? Interestingly the website shows Costa Emozione and Costa Passione in the lead at 6,347 votes, with Fascinosa and Favolosa is languishing well behind with just 562.

Here are some of the other results. Note that my favourite is at number two!

01 COSTA  EMOZIONE   COSTA  PASSIONE 6347

02 COSTA  PERLA   COSTA  CRISTALLO 4887

03 COSTA  SOLARE   COSTA  LUNARE 3637

20 COSTA  FASCINOSA   COSTA  FAVOLOSA 562

21 COSTA  ARGENTEA   COSTA  DORATA 528

Apparently Favolosa is supposed to evoke thoughts of a magical voyage in a "contemporary enchanted castle", while Fascinosa is designed to express the glamour of a cruise ship and its capacity to bring out strong emotions and passions.

Maybe you have to be Italian.

Having staggered my way through all the on-line form filling necessary to complete the Fun Pass needed to get on board Carnival Dream, I can't help thinking Carnival Cruise Lines needs to come up with another name for the document.

Even the people who put it together know it's a long and laborious nightmare as there is an opt out on each page to save what you've done so far and come back later.

I'm all in favour of saving trees and cutting back on the expense of posting out documents, and I even appreciate that security has to be tight in this day and age.

But did they really need to know my inside leg measurement and shoe size, all in the name of Homeland Security?

Yeah OK, I'm exaggerating. But for how long!

After leaving Costa Europa, soon to be Thomson Dream, in Barcelona, I managed to sneak in a day at World Travel Market, where I was hosting a cruise session, and now I am in New York, where Carnival Cruise Line's newest ship, Carnival Dream, is being named on Thursday.

As well as watching the ceremony, and seeing godmother, actress and New Yorker Marcia Gay Harden cut the ribbon, I'll be joining the ship for a two-night cruise to nowhere.

Internet willing, there'll be news and pictures from the ceremony and also from the Carnival Dream itself.

The burning question now is, what will designer Joe Farcus have come up with this time? Keep checking back and you'll find out.

Every recession has a silver lining, it seems, For Yachts of Seabourn and Silversea, it's that the hefty discounts they have been offering has tempted a new, younger crowd to come cruise with them.

Pam Conover, Seabourn's CEO, says the average age on new ship Seabourn Odyssey, which launched in June this year, was 45 years compared to 55 years for the line overall, while the ratio of first-time guests was two-thirds higher than the cruise line's norm. New cruisers, younger people. It's what all the cruise lines want.

During World Travel Market this month, I chaired a cruise session and a similar message came out. To paraphrase: "yes, we're discounting, but those discounts are encouraging new people to cruise with us and once they start, they won't stop".

Is that wishful thinking? I don't think so. All the cruise lines have repeat factors that other travel companies would die for simply because once people take their first voyage, they are hooked. It's getting them the first time that is the challenge.

Lots has changed in cruising to do just that - the more relaxed dress codes, the introduction of open dining so passengers can dine when they want, the existence of speciality restaurants so people have a choice of where to eat, and so on.

Next thing to tackle, MSC Cruises' UK chairman Peter Pate told the packed audience at WTM, is the entertainment. How I agree. Fluff-and-feathers dance troupes singing songs from the shows have so had their day. Bring on - who was it you said Peter? - oh yes, Elton John. Now that would be a sell-out cruise and no one would have to discount.

Which top performer would you like to see on a cruise? Why not drop me a line. Who knows, you could influence the future of cruise ship entertainment!

In this PC world of ours I guess we should be alarmed, concerned and even a little outraged about the news that the expedition ship Kapitan Khlebnikov got trapped in the ice in Antarctica.

After all, that's what happened to the explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton's ship, and he and his crew then went on to endure freezing condition while living on seal blubber as they tried to escape from their icy hell-hole (they all did, by the way).

But the passengers, including about 50 Brits who booked through Exodus, on Kapitan Khlebnikov, a ultra-strength ice-strengthened ship, went in search of emperor penguins and adventure and got plenty of both. It all sounds very exciting.

Speaking live from the ship yesterday, Exodus' guide Paul Goldstein said: "[On Monday] all of our passengers reached the incredible Emperor Penguin rookery at Snow Hill Island, the principle reason for their voyage. The Kapitan Khlebnikov is the only ship in the world able to navigate to this amazing bird colony. I have just enjoyed a fine breakfast with some of the expedition passengers, still thrilled about their adventures over the past few days. They are safe, a little frustrated that ice and weather conditions have delayed their return, but all philosophical about their late arrival into Ushuaia."

I just hope their bosses are as philosophical when they return to work several days later than expected. Having paid £10,000-plus for the cruise the last thing they need is to find themselves unemployed!

Hot on the heels of being voted World's Leading Luxury Cruise Line at the British Travel Awards, Princess Cruises has also been named the Caribbean's Leading Cruise Line at the World Travel Awards.

Cunard also walked away with an award from the BTA, named Cruise Line of the Year.

That must have been a relief, coming so soon after they were knocked from the best ship spot in the Cruise.co.uk ratings, losing out to Marco Polo at number one, which will be operated by new cruise line Cruise and Maritime Voyages from January 2010, and Celebrity Cruises' Celebrity Equinox at number two.

Here is a full list of BTA cruise winners:

Best Mainstream Cruise Line: Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines

Best Niche Cruise Line: Disney Cruise Line

Best Luxury Cruise Line: Princess Cruises

Best River Cruise Line: Viking River Cruises

Best Cruise Holiday Retailer: Thomas Cook Cruise

Cruise Line of the Year: Cunard

One of the more intriguing questions to be asked of Adam Goldstein, Royal Caribbean International's president and chief executive, on Oasis of the Seas this week was the significance of the 150 in the name 150 Central Park.

That's the new upscale restaurant, strangely enough in the Central Park neighbourhood of this just-launched mega 5,400-passenger ship.

"I'll give you two options," Goldstein replied. "It's either because it only costs $35 [per person] to eat there, but the value of the food you'll be eating is actually $150.

"Or, we mark the size of a ship from bow to stern in metres and the restaurant is at the 150-metre mark."

Nice answer - even getting a quick "value" message in there - but I gather it's actually because the ship is constructed using a series of building blocks and it sits on number 150.

There's a nice piece of trivia to pass on to other passengers if you're ever on board.

This was on my list of "must do" things as I planned my tour around Oasis of the Seas - going up and down between decks five and eight in a bar that thinks it's a lift. Or should that be a lift that thinks it's a bar?

I found a glass of bubbly with my name on it at the bar so took my seat for two journeys up and two journeys back down.

Result, I didn't finish my tour. But here are some pictures from that very moving experience. The water fountains are on deck five and where I "boarded". Look at the word cafe in the next two pictures and you can see we have moved. Finally you'll see us nearing the top, deck eight, where it opens out into Central Park.

On Monday evening I was treated to dinner on Hebridean Island Cruises' 49-passenger Hebridean Princess, one of the smallest cruise ships in the world.

Now I'm on my way to Miami, Florida, for a three-night cruise to nowhere on Royal Caribbean International's Oasis of the Seas, the world's biggest cruise ship - a whopping 225,000 tons and with room for 5,400 passengers - 6,200 if all the berths are full.

Hebridean Princess is spending this week moored in the heart of Docklands, five minutes' walk from Canary Wharf, so would-be passengers can come and have a look. It will then be going into drydock for all kinds of work to be done so the ship can meet new maritime regulations coming into force next year. It returns to service in March.

It's a lovely little ship with a lounge with a real fireplace; Oasis is packed with features such as a Central Park with real trees, the Boardwalk with the first carousel at sea, a zipwire, two Flowrider surf waves and two rock-climbing walls.

There are also 20 restaurants, a bar that thinks it's a lift and goes up and down between decks (I will definitely be trying that!), inside balcony cabins and two-storey staterooms.

Could any two ships be more different?

I'll aim to post impressions and pictures from Oasis, but as always it's internet willing and, given that there is so much I need to see, also time-willing. I've made sure to pack flat shoes as there'll certainly be plenty of walking!

So fingers-crossed all goes to plan. In the meantime, here are some first pictures of the interior.

Hot on the heels of the Norwegian fjords being voted best travel destination by National Geographic Traveller, comes news that Norway has just had its best cruise season ever.

In all it had 1.7 million cruise visitors in 2009, up 15.7% from 2008, which is not bad going in a recession. I don't know how many of those visitors were from the UK or Europe but I'm guessing it shows more people have been staying closer to home this year.

Conversely, cruise ships made fewer port calls in 2009 - 1,562, down from 1,634 in 2008. The forecast for 2009 is 1,444.

Interesting Norway fact number 1: Norway has more than 35 cruise ports along its 1,300 nautical mile-long coast line.

Interesting Norway fact number 2: Norway has such a long coastline that if you turned it upside down, so it is facing south, the tip of the country would be in Rome.

No wonder it's such a popular cruise destination. It's definitely the easiest way to visit.

When I cruised in the Arctic this summer on Lindblad's National Geographic Explorer I was amazed that several brave souls went swimming off the ship in the icy water.

Well, "swimming" is something of an exaggeration. They plunged in, shreiked and leapt out, into the warm embrace of a waiting towel. I imagine most also broke all records as they raced to the sauna.

Now Hurtigruten is offering passengers the chance to get their chills, this time by taking a plunge into the Barents Sea in Vardo, in Norway, the most easterly town in Western Europe and on a level with Siberia.

No need to worry, says the blurb, the Barents Sea is ice-free in winter due to the Gulf Stream. Oh that's all right then. I'll maybe freeze to death but at least I won't get hit by a passing iceberg (cue Titanic music).

I'm only joking of course. It sounds a really fun thing to do and I'm still kicking myself that I didn't plunge into the Arctic waters. It was all the people watching that put me off. Or at least that's my excuse.

Hurtigruten's seven-day Voyage North from Bergen to Kirkenes, stopping at Vardo, costs from £659 per person excluding flights and provided you book December 31 (after that the price goes up to £941 per person).

To book, see your cruise travel agent, call Hurtigruten on 020 8846 2666 or click here.

All Leisure group chairman Roger Allard was being suitably inscrutable about his new ship Alexander von Humbolt when I bumped into him at a gala dinner on Hebridean Princess the other day.

News of the acquisition had just broken but with no hint as to which of All Leisure's brands would get the vessel. We can write off Hebridean Island Cruises - Hebridean Princess holds just 49 passengers; with capacity for just over 500, AvH is definitely too big.

That leaves Swan Hellenic, which operates the 350-passenger Minerva, and Voyages of Discovery, which has the 700-passenger Discovery as contenders, always ruling out the possibility that Allard plans to start another cruise line.

Which brand was most likely to get the new-to-All-Leisure ship, I asked. Allard's response? "We will not start operating it until 2011. And we will be changing the name."

Suitably non-commital (!). And no surprise either. Apart from the fact Alexander von Humboldt hardly slips off the tongue, a ship named after a German naturalist and explorer does not fit a cruise line aimed at the British market.

How about Minerva II, I suggested. I don't think he was impressed!

Regular readers will know I am not a great fan of the lifeboat drill on cruise ships. Not because it's a waste of time - on the contrary they are very important - or because I have done them so many times, although that doesn't help, but because the muster crew seem so determined to treat passengers like idiots.

"Your muster station is D3." Ah, yes. That'll be the number on the front of the lifejacket then. "Everyone take off your lifejackets as we will be doing a demonstration about how to put them on later in this muster." Right....

So I cannot praise Royal Caribbean enough for their new-style muster, which I experienced for the first time last week on Oasis of the Seas.

No rush to get back to your cabin to collect a lifejacket (in fact they no longer have lifejackets in the rooms) which is a good thing given the size of the ship, only to have to make your way back downstairs through crowds of people, either lost, chatting, bored or generally doing their best to avoid standing in lines. And then the lengthy roll-call of cabin numbers starts.

But that was then, and this is now on Royal Caribbean. You simply go, lifejacketless, to your muster station where your cruise card is scanned, sit down, watch a film that has all the salient bits but is quick and to the point and then off you go.

It really is that easy.

Not only that, but it is a more reliable way for the Captain to know, via the scanned cards, who has done the drill. More importantly, in case of a real emergency, passengers cards will be scanned as they get into the lifeboats so everyone is accounted for.

The launch of Oasis, the world's biggest cruise ship, Disney Cruise Line's new virtual portholes on inside cabins, Norwegian Dawn loses power and plunges passengers into the hell of no air-conditioning, news of how cruising is faring during the recession.

All big stories during 2009, but what was the most-read cruise-related news article plucked from the hundreds sent out in a daily e-newsletter to travel agents by the American Society of Travel Agents?

That a videotape caught images of a woman jumping from a Princess Cruises' ship as it sailed along the coast of Alaska.

Good to know ASTA readers are keeping their fingers on the pulse.

Heard the one about the new drinks packages now available on Celebrity Cruise ships? No, it's not the start of a joke, although many people clearly believe it is after looking at the prices.

The beer package costs from £20.75 per person per night, the spirits packages cost from £31 per person per night for the classic version, or £45.50 for the premium one. Both prices include gratuities (15% on each drink bought, regardless of whether it is served or you go to bar and get it yourself) and allow unlimited consumption during the cruise.

The packages can be bought ahead of the cruise, in pounds sterling (hence the "from" price I think as I'm assuming it depends on the exchange rate) or on board in dollars.

News of the packages has certainly caused a stir. Cruise Critic has helpfully worked out you'd need to drink between five and seven beers a day to get your money's worth, asks if it will cause "risky binging" and has had plenty of none-too-favourable comments from members.

Many of USA Today's Cruise Loggers likewise are not enthralled."Oh great, encourage the boozers to drink more," writes one. "The price of the package is so high, purchasers will inevitably work real hard to get their money's worth, and that is bad for everyone involved," writes another.

The packages certainly do look expensive, but how about if you split them between two? Against the rules I know, but is there really anything to stop the holder buying a drink, giving it to the wife, husband, partner, whoever, and then heading off to another bar (no point in being blatently obvious) to get another? They might be able to see on the till that you've just had a drink, but it would be a brave waiter who dared to suggest you join AA.

Unlimited beers for two for the duration of a cruise? Now that starts to look like good value.

My bigger problem with these packages are that they are too specific. I like a beer or two in the day, but a few glasses of wine in the evening, so I'd have buy-as-I-go, as I do now, which is expensive, especially when the gratuity is added to every drink, or purchase the Taste of the Vineyards package, which costs from £68.25.

They don't say how many bottles you get for that so I've no idea if it's good value. But I do know that if added to a beer package my pocket really would start to hurt. And that would be the time for Cruise Critic to really start worrying about binge drinking.

By the way, re USA Today. Am I the only one who wonders about the Cruise Logger who wrote:

"Everyone keeps talking about how much they would have to drink all day but all the prices refer to "PER NIGHT"!!! If this is only limited to nightime, that makes it rediculously (sic) expensive."

Is he for real? Has he really always thought that the daytime part of his cruise was free because he pays a per night rate? He's in for a nasty shock one day.

Strugging with pressie ideas for your cruising friends? Then check out Cruise Critic's Christmas cruising shopping list, featuring everything from a countdown-to-your-next-cruise clock to a blow-up hangers.

Their Xmas will never have been so exciting.

As all eyes were focused on Oasis of the Seas as it emerged from the shipyard in Finland and set off on across the Atlantic to its new home in Fort Lauderdale, a small comment went unnoticed on Royal Caribbean Cruises chairman and CEO Richard Fain's blog - almost.

He mentioned Royal Caribbean president and CEO Adam Goldstein insists the rooms in which passengers sleep be called "staterooms" and not "cabins" and says he doesn't understand Adam's "obsession" with which term is used.

I so agree. I have been pulled up many times by cruise lines for calling a spade a spade, or in this case a cabin a cabin. "They are staterooms," I am told. Really? Rooms of state? Inhabited by kings, queens, presidents and other persons of state?

Of course stateroom does make a cabin sound so much grander, which is why cruise lines prefer it, and I do use it now and then as it's a useful alternative to the "c" word.

What do you call the room in which passengers sleep? Why not let me know.

On Tuesday I docked the Emerald Princess in Ketchikan, Alaska.

OK, so it wasn't the real thing. If I had gone in too fast, Princess Cruises would not have been sending me a bill for millions of pounds worth of damage.

But it was the simulator P&O Cruises, Princess, Cunard and other Carnival Corp brands are using to train their officers and captains - and also the nearest thing I am ever likely to get to driving a cruise ship.

The simulator is in Almere, just outside Amsterdam, and was set up by P&O and Princess after a string of what Captain Hans Hederstrom, who is in charge of the Centre for Simulator Marine Training (CSMART), with wonderful understatement, called "unfortunate events".

Remember when one of Queen Mary 2's propellors was pulled off as the ship manoeuvered out of Port Everglades and the near mutiny that followed because ports had to be missed? Or when QE2 became grounded? They were "unfortunate" incidents.

P&O and Princess decided something had to be done, approached Hans in 2007 and the rest, as they say, is history.

At the CSMART complex, which has been open for six months, they have two bridge simulators - even with bridge wings - where officers learn about, or are updated on, the latest developments in bridge technology.

There are also 11 virtual ports, with more being added all the time. This is me on one of  bridge wings steering into Singapore. Southampton is about to join the line-up, while Fremantle and Adelaide have been added because QM2 will be visiting both for the first time next year and the officers need to get a feel for the two ports.

They are learning not just the port layouts, but how QM2 copes coming in when all sorts of bad weather is thrown at it - high winds, rough seas, heavy swells, maybe all three. If the training goes according to plan, they will also learn when it's time to call it a day and say, actually it's too dangerous to try to dock today.

The control room at CSMART put on some rough weather for me and it really feels the part (apparently some officers once felt so unwell they had to go and sit down!). And every so often, they programme in other vessels - big ships, small yachts - which of course you are supposed to steer around. It's all incredibly realistic.

So far the centre has 12 ship models, mainly P&O and Princess vessels, but also the Costa Atlantica, and it trains captains and officers from most of the Carnival brands, including AIDA, Costa, Seabourn and Holland America Line as their bridges are all very similar.

Carnival Cruise Lines has a contract elsewhere at the moment but when that ends, they will use CSMART too, and Norwegian Cruise Line is about to become a customer, which will help to recoup some of the $5 million the CSMART hardware alone has cost.

All the officers have to do a five-day course each year at CSMART - it runs up to three courses a week for about 40 weeks a year - and another week's training elsewhere learning about updated methods of security, safety and so on.

They can't fail as such, but they can be told they need to do another course. And maybe another and another "until it's time to agree to part", Paul Hailwood, one of the trainers, told me.

One interesting development at CSMART is the way they have inverted the captains' role. On P&O, Princess and Cunard ships, the captain is now no longer the guy at the top making all the decisions but he is leading from behind, allowing his officers to make all the decisions and learn from having their hands on the buttons (unless. of course, there is a problem, at which point the captain steps in and take control).

Hans said when they initially did their review, before creating the training course, they found officers were bored because they were not allowed to do what they were trained for and as a result became too passive.

"There were instances when assertive action from officers could have prevented an incident."

So how did the captains feel about it all, I wondered. "Some initially didn't like the idea of no longer being at the front," Hans admitted. "They have big egos and found the new structure difficult, but all have now embraced it totally."

It's getting to that silly story time of year so I thought I'd join in on Cruise Lines with my first suggestions for a quote of the year. Feel free to submit your own.

The first two come from a story in the Wall Street Journal just as Royal Caribbean's Oasis of the Seas was about to embark on its first seven-night cruise with paying passengers.

"You have to be on the cutting edge, not the bleeding edge, of innovation."

Norwegian Cruise Line's chief executive Kevin Sheehan commenting on the decision to cancel an order for a 4,200-passenger sister ship to Norwegian Epic last year.

"If Oasis were to ferry passengers to land by smaller boats, it would look like Normandy at D-Day."

McLeod, Applebaum & Partners cruise-industry consultant Rod McLeod, on the fact that few ports are able to handle Oasis of the Seas.

"It is important to innovate, but you have to be careful not to over-invest as that pushes up the ticket price. There has to be a trade-off between innovation and value."

Carnival Cruise Lines president and chief executive Gerry Cahill, talking about the new features on Carnival Dream and possibly referring to some other cruise line that has launched a big ship.

"Life isn't fair, get used to it."

Complete Cruise Solution (representing P&O Cruises, Princess Cruises, Ocean Village and Cunard) sales and customer services director Giles Hawke addressing agents at the Dover Cruise Convention in June.

I really enjoyed my cruise around the Arabian Gulf with Costa Cruises last January as it was a great opportunity to see so many new places.

But my one disappointment was that there was so little to do and see in most of the ports. A desert safari at every stop, a spectacular mosque, a few uninspiring-sounding museums, fabulously over-the-top hotels that are way out of my league. And then you've done it.

I really liked Abu Dhabi with its shimmering skyscrapers and mad drivers (ours, kindly loaned by the tourism authority, drove my daughter and I through the city at a rather scary 100mph) but it was very much a case of "it'll be nice when it's finished".

But now comes news of something much more fun than the Louvre and Guggenheim they are building (oops, sorry all culture-lovers).

Sightseeing by speedboat.

Unfortunately neither the press release nor the Yellow Boats website are very informative so I have no idea how fast the boats go but it does say the rides are thrilling.

And why am I telling you this? Well it seems like an obvious excursion for Costa and Royal Caribbean International, both sailing the Arabian Gulf this winter, to add to their Abu Dhabi line-up (and I see it also operates in Dubai so maybe they should offer it there as well) but in case they don't, cruisers might at least know to contact Yellow Boats and book their own rides.

Or maybe Yellow Boats will read this and position a sales person at the port gates (you have to get a bus from the ship to the gate so passengers will be arriving on mass) to leap in and offer cruisers a licence to thrill - specially-timed departures, one-way transfer included in the price - as they disembark and realise they have to decide what to do next.

Commission cheques should be made payable to Jane Archer!

It's been quite a year for cruising, and I've tried to cover a lot of it on Cruise Lines, but now it's about time I started preparing for Christmas so this will be the last post from me until the middle of next week.

May I wish everyone happy holidays.

Seems Carnival Cruise Lines was not very impressed when it hosted a pack of cougars and cubs on Carnival Elation last month.

Those are the names given to older women out to have no-strings-attached fun with younger men - and the men who are up for it. CougarEvents.com had arranged for 300 of them to be on the ship.

By all accounts all was fine, but clearly the self-styled Fun Ship operator has decided there is such a thing as too much fun because when SinglesTravelCompany.com tried to book a group on a Carnival ship, the cruise line said no.

The Miami Herald quotes a rather piqued Stewart Chiron, chief executive of CruiseGuy.com, as saying couger cruises don't fit Carnival's "squeaky clean image".

Maybe not, but that's great news for Royal Caribbean International and Norwegian Cruise Line, which apparently have no qualms about allowing man-hungry female cruisers on board.

The paper reports that the singles will now be on a Mexican Riviera cruise on Royal's Mariner of the Seas in May while the cougars are booked on a three-day cruise from Miami on Norwegian Sky from December 3-6.

You have been warned. Or should that be alerted? Personally, I'm more intrigued by ABTA's pre-Christmas forecast that naked cruising is one of the emerging trends for 2010.

I can see all sorts of benefits, not least the fact that you can leave the DJ and cocktail dress at home. I guess also you really can be sure there are no strings attached and if there are, at least you'll spot them!

You'd want to be cruising somewhere warm, though, and I hope the cruise lines have the foresight to go easier on the air-con in the dining rooms. All those naked bodies is one thing, but naked bodies sitting around covered in goosebumps?

It would quite put you off the Baked Alaska.

While UK workers were struggling to work in the ice and snow last week, 1,200 passengers aged over 50 were fighting their way to Southampton to join Saga Ruby for their 103-night world cruise.

All had paid between £11,000 and £50,000 for their holiday so naturally no one wanted to miss it. One woman was chauffeured all the way down from Kirkcaldy. Captain Philip Rentell battled his way to the port from the West Country in a 4x4.

Apparently it was all change in procedure when it came to loading the ship in minus 6 degrees. Frozen goods such as ice cream normally have to be rushed on board but they were happy to sit out on the quay, making way for the orchids table decorations, which were in serious danger of freezing to death.

The last passenger finally boarded at 8.30pm and the ship set sail at 9.15pm, delayed from 6pm, heading to warmer climes in the Caribbean, Australia, New Zealand and Asia with not a snowflake in sight.

Jealous? Moi?

Ever fancied cruising backwards down a river? If so, your time has come.

Celebrity Cruises is offering one UK and Ireland tweeter the chance to win a cruise down the River Ems - backwards of course - on the new 2,850-passenger Celebrity Eclipse.

All you have to do is write a tweet - normal Twitter rules apply so no more than 140 characters - saying why you want to be on the ship for its first-ever cruise, all 26 miles from the Papenberg shipyard in Germany where it has been built, to Eemshaven in the Netherlands, where they will finish kitting it out.

Jo Briody, Celebrity's head of marketing, says they are looking for "succinct creativity, recognition of the innovations onboard the ship (this is one of the Solstice-class ships with a real grass lawn on the top deck) and to engage with the biggest fans of Celebrity Cruises".

So probably just saying your life's ambition is to cruise backwards down a river in Germany won't be good enough.

Jo will be judging the entries, along with Cruise Critic's UK team and cruise tweeter and fellow blogger Capt Greybeard, who always gives me a long-suffering look when I say I haven't got a clue why anyone bothers to twit, oops, sorry tweet.

The competition closes on February 14 at 23.59, which eagle-eyed readers will notice is almost midnight on St Valentine's Day, when surely couples really should have something better to do with their time than send messages to @CelebrityUK.

Plan A is that the conveyance, as this cruise manoeuvre is called, will take place the second weekend of March, but a lot depends on the weather. Too much wind and the wrong tides and they can't get the ship through the narrow locks.

Celebrity Eclipse is scheduled to arrive in Southampton on April 20. It will be named in the city on April 24 and spend the rest of the summer cruising from the south coast port.

The prize is for two and includes return flights in economy from the UK to the ship, overseas transfers and meals and drinks onboard the ship. You must have a passport, be aged over 18 and willing to take part in publicity photographs.

Silversea's new ship Silver Spirit officially got its name in Port Evergales, Florida, last week

It was a very traditional ceremony, unfortunately marred by the wind. Executive vice-president and chief operating officer Ken Watson struggled to keep hold of his notes and the gusts kept the champagne from smashing against the hull (you can't tell that from the video, but Cruise Critic's Carolyn Spencer Brown was there and reports that it was finally smashed by hand).

Silver Spirit has now set off on its inaugural 91-day circumnavigation of South America and I hope the weather is kinder than than it has experienced so far.

We had a bit of a rough ride sailing from Monaco to Barcelona before Christmas, and the transatlantic crossing was not always a bundle of laughs, judging by comments on Cruise Critic.

Ah well, that's life on the high seas, I guess.

The ceremony is quite long so before clicking the play button, I suggest putting on the kettle so you can sit back and enjoy it with a nice cuppa.

Silver Spirit Christening Ceremony from Silversea on Vimeo.

Talk of Carnival's decision to ban cougars has managed to creep into the ever-enjoyable column written by Bryony Gordon in the Telegraph.

It all stems from that cougar-cum-Air New Zealand ad (don't ask me. Even after watching I've no idea what the connection is) that has been pulled because there were so many complaints. Which seems a good enough reason to me to show it here.

Bryony writes that the video forore comes "just days after a travel company was forced to ban its 'cougar cruises', where ladies of a certain age were set up with 'cubs'".

"Apparently, all these sexually predatory females were putting off the non-sexually predatory passengers, who simply wanted to watch some terrible cabaret before taking to their beds with Legionnaires' disease."

She's wrong of course. Legionnaires is so out of fashion with cruise ship passengers. They much prefer to take to their beds with norovirus, that most unromantic-sounding vomiting bug.

Forget the polls, policies and the general election. We can guess who our next prime minister will be from the results of Cruise Critic's poll asking readers which political figure they would rather cruise with.

Or at least we would know who'd win except the winner was Boris Johnson, London's larger-than-life mayor, who sadly is not in the running to lead our country. He took an incredible 66% of the vote.

Labour's Gordon Brown was left languishing at the bottom with just 7%, but things are not so great for Conservative leader David Cameron, who polled just 11%, behind Tony Blair on 15%.

The Cruise Show 2010 will be opening its doors in just eight weeks and promises to be bigger and better than the debut event last year.

For one thing, the show is moving out of the dreaded Docklands (Excel did not excel last year as the venue became almost inaccessible when all public transport bar the buses was halted for maintenance) to the much more convenient London Olympia in Kensington.

Also, all the big cruise companies names will be there - check out the list of exhibitors here - so whether you fancy sailing the high seas or messing about on the rivers, there will be someone there to advise and help you.

And there will be plenty of fun stuff as well - Royal Caribbean is bringing a rock-climbing wall, MSC Cruises' Balinese masseurs and therapists from its Aurea Spa will be offering massages, facials and more, Fred Olsen will have virtual golf.

I'll be there again, taking part in panel discussions, along with Steve Read from Sky Travel, Cruise Critic editor Carolyn Spencer Brown, cruise writer Gary Buchanan and Douglas Ward, who writes the Berlitz cruise guides.

Experts from the cruise lines will also be there, including Jo Rzymowska, Royal Caribbean Cruise Line's associate vice-president and general manager UK and Ireland, Trudy Redfern, Silversea's managing director, and John Heald, Carnival's senior cruise director.

If you love cruising, are planning to take your first cruise or just want to know what this cruising lark is all about, Olympia is the only place to be on the weekend of March 27-28. The show is open from 10am to 5pm on Saturday and 10am to 4pm on Sunday.

Tickets cost £6 per person bought in advance at the Cruise Show website or by calling 0871 230 7158 or £10 on the door. Under 16s are free.

Telegraph readers can also get two free tickets valid for either day by booking online or ringing the ticket hotline on 0871 230 7158 and quoting "Telegraph".

Don't forget to come and say hello. I'll look forward to meeting you.

Had to check the date on this story when it came in. Was it an early April 1 wind-up?

Apparently not.

Princess Cruises really has been named Weather Cruise Ship Company of the Year by Noah - sorry NOAA (that's the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration in the US, named surely by someone with a sense of humur, or did they really not notice?) for the data its ships supply to help track the weather patterns the administration bases daily forecasts on.

Given the low esteem with which weather forecasters are held these days - remember that barbecue summer and mild winter? - I'm not sure this is actually something to shout about.

I thought the good folk at Swan Hellenic must be mixing me up with someone else when I received their invitation to attend yesterday's Oldies awards at Simpson's-in-the-Strand in London. Oldie? Moi?

As it turned out, it was a really fun event. Nothing to do with cruising really, apart from the fact it was in association with Swan, the Swan team was out in force - oh and the room was full of Swan's target market: Oldies.

Not your ordinary Oldies though. There was Ian Hislop chatting at the door, Kate Adie on the stairs (and not even a crisis in sight) and Barry Cryer dropping a few really Oldies jokes. Terry Wogan, who presented the awards, was unashamed about it. "We're all being told we have to recycle so I'm going to recycle some of last year's jokes to help the environment."

I admit I accepted the invitation with trepidation. Another awards ceremony a week after the Travel Weekly Globes? Another 40-odd gongs to hand out?

Actually no. It's all done slightly tongue in cheek - in previous years they have had shelf-stacker of the year, wannabe oldie of the year (that went to Boris Johnson in 2002) and former First Sea Lord Admiral Sir Alan West was named Swan Hellenic Sea Dog of the Year in 2006 - and happily there were only six to get through.

Joanna Lumley picked up Oldie of the Year, Chris Mullen MP, whose main claim to fame appears to be that he still watches a black-and-white TV, picked up Backbencher of the Year, and Sir Terry was named Swan Hellenic Retiree of the Year and received a free cruise.

Actually that last one was such a surprise that the normally loquacious Irishman was reduced to near silence. That must be a first!

After all its norovirus problems, how nice to see some good news for Fred Olsen. It has the cheapest beer on the high seas.

In a survey of the cost of a 33cl bottle of Becks on 10 cruise lines by Cruise.co.uk, Fred Olsen came bottom of the table at just £2.20.

P&O Cruises and Princess Cruises came in at number nine and eight respectively, at £2,35 and £2.51 (including 15% tip) each. Surprisingly, both were cheaper than Ocean Village.

Topping the lot was Royal Caribbean at £3.95 including 15% tip - a whopping 80% more expensive than Fred Olsen. Even the dreaded Ryanair is cheaper, charging £2.85 a bottle.

Here are the full results:

Cruise line             Cost of Becks beer (33cl)       Total Cost in £ (incl tip)

Royal Caribbean      $5.50 plus 15% tip                  £3.95
 
NCL                       $4.95 plus 17% tip                  £3.61
 
Celebrity Cruises     $5 plus 15% tip                      £3.59
 
Cunard Cruises       $4.75 plus 15% tip                   £3.41
 
Costa Cruises         $4.25 plus 15% tip                   £3.05
 
Holland America      $4.25 plus 15% tip                   £3.05
 
Ocean Village          £2.65                                   £2.65
 
Princess Cruises     $3.50 plus 15% tip                   £2.51
 
P&O Cruises           £2.35                                     £2.35

Fred Olsen             £2.20                                    £2.20

(Exchange rate was as at January 8 2010, with £1 = $1.60)

Mind you, the report also says a 33cl Becks costs about 66p in Tesco. It makes you realise just how much even Fred makes on its drinks.

Cheers!

My thanks to Sagaman for responding to my blog about the price of a 33cl bottle of Becks on a selection of cruise lines.

Fred Olsen Cruise Lines came out cheapest at £2.20 a bottle, but Sagaman says Saga can top - as in undercut - that. Just £2 a bottle.

But sorry, Spirit of Adventure, the ship I am on at the moment somewhere off the coast of Vietnam, is the clear winner. A bottle of Becks on here is just £1.70. If you're worried about the price of a pint, this is the place to be.

In fact, if you want a pint, it's a mere £2. There's Heineken, Heineken or Heineken on draft so not a lot of choice. But at that price, who's complaining!

What are the chances? A couple on Cunard's Queen Mary 2 drop their camera over the side and into the Atlantic when taking pictures of the QE2, sailing alongside on its last transatlantic crossing, and 15 months later it reappears in the nets of a Spanish fisherman.

The camera is damaged beyond repair but the memory card is intact, enabling Benito Estevez to guess what had happened, contact Cunard and the BBC and reunite the pictures with their owners, Mr and Mrs Gregory from South Africa.

My apologies to all Cruise Lines fans that the blog has been off the air for a while. I was beginning to wonder if it the system had been brought down by Icelandic volcano ash, but am told it was all a techie thing.

Anyway, the good news if that normal service has been resumed.

There's a lot to catch up on, including the launches of Celebrity Cruises' new Celebrity Eclipse and Thomson Cruises' Thomson Dream so just like before, remember to keep checking back.

Who'd have thought Swan Hellenic, the cruise line beloved by people aged 60-plus, would drag me into the modern day? Yes, like the rest of the world, I too now have an iPod.

Their very generous gift wasn't entirely altruistic, but rather a novel way to highlight the new podcasts that Swan's cruise director Paul Carter has recorded and which are now available on the website.

They are his personal reminices about many of the places that Swan cruises to - Greece, the Baltic, the Arctic, Spain, the Black Sea, the Norwegian fjords, the Middle East. Is there nowhere this man has not been?

The talks are short and sweet, just enough to gve you a flavour of a place and hopefully help you make a decision rather than long spiel about what to do and see.

After all, you'll find all that out when you go.

It was lovely to get a call this week from a friend I met three years ago on P&O Cruises' Aurora, when I was on a two-week sector of its world cruise. He was doing the whole 80-day voyage - does it every year (he was just back from this year's circumnavigation when he called), as well as several other cruises, all with P&O, usually on Aurora.

I've always reckoned that if you cut him in half, it would say P&O through his middle, just like a stick of rock.

But for how much longer?

Temptation in the form of Celebrity Eclipse raised its attractive head and wooed him off to Ireland on the ship's four-night jaunt to Ireland just after the naming ceremony in Southampton.

Here are a few of his comment:

"Nothing was too much trouble for the staff ... the smiles seemed genuine ... the shows were Las Vegas ... the cabin had a proper shower ... this was my first trip and they upgraded me and invited me to the Captain's Club for a drink"

The only negative was that the ship only has "cocktail bars", not the kind of drinking hole he prefers, where passengers prop up the bar all evening - in fact just the kind of place where I met him on Aurora and we convened every evening thereafter!

He said he's been a loyal P&O passenger for 12 years and they have not once so much as offered him a free drink that he was not entitled to as a member of their loyalty club, never mind an upgrade.

So will you now just cruise with Celebrity I asked. He said he is definitely booking with them again but as I suspected, P&O is in his DNA now.

He's got another three cruises booked with them between now and January 2012, including the 2011 world cruise on Aurora of course.

Last week I was sent a questionnaire by Cruise.co.uk asking me to pick a high street retailer, a car company and one word that best summed up various different cruise lines. Weird or what?

Seems they are collecting information for the Association of Travel Experts, to be revealed at the ACE cruise convention in Southampton later this month.

But Cruise.dot could not resist releasing some early results from the voting and it makes for some fascinating reading.

Celebrity Cruises is Ann Summers, Norwegian Cruise Line is a Skoda and Royal Caribbean is Hamleys Toy Store (not sure if that's good or not. I think of all the folk crowded in there whenever I've been - or is that the point?).

P&O Cruises is M&S, Fred Olsen is old people (no surprise there then) and Thomson is Tescos, but also branded tacky/chavvy in the word association section. That's two Ts then.

It only needs to be voted a Toyota or Trabant in the car section for a hat trick.

As part of the ACE conference finale last Saturday, Celebrity put on a small taster show for the 450 travel agents who were on Celebrity Eclipse with me in Southampton, to give them an idea of the kind of entertainment the cruise line is offering these days.

Can't say the rendition of "We will rock you" did anything for me - very much the usual cruise ship show stuff - but I was impressed with slack-rope walker (yes, there is such a thing) Peng Fei Su, who reckons anyone can walk on a tightrope but only clever people can perform on a slack rope.

He's clearly one of them and here's a pic to give you an idea of what he was doing. I couldn't help wondering how he gets on if the sea is a bit rough.

We also had someone whirling and twirling on a bungee above the audience, which was novel, and a muscle-bound duo, who balanced and leaned on each other using only their bulging biceps and rippling ribs to hold them. I've seen that type of act several times now on cruise ships but it's good for all that.

I must also mention Nick Weir, cruise director and brother of Simon, who opened the show. Like Simon, Nick has brought out all the new Solstice-class ships so I've met him many times, but I never knew he could sing - and so well.

Far be it from me to suggest Holland America Line is unimaginative when it comes to naming its ships, but clearly they don't believe in putting too much thought into the process.

The Nieuw Amsterdam, which I chanced to see sailing past St Mark's Square in Venice on its way to the port to be christened by her Royal Highness Princess Maxima of the Netherlands, is the fourth HAL ship to bear the name.

The first - a steam ship with masts - sailed between 1906 and 1931, the second from 1938 to 1973 and the third, still in service but now called Thomson Spirit, sailed for HAL from 1983 and 2000.

I admit I'm intrigued as to why the ceremony to name the Nieuw Amsterdam was held in the theatre given we were in Venice and there was no danger of a British downpour to put a dampen on the event.

I reckon it was either a) because they didn't want to risk having guests - and especially the princess - keel over in the Venice heat, b) because it saved dressing up the pool area or the quayside for the occasion, or c) it meant they could pre-record the bottle being smashed.

You think I'm being cynical? What we saw on the stage was the princess pull a lever and pictures of bottles of bubbly allegedly being smashed against other HAL ships, and finally, apparently, Nieuw Amsterdam.

A good piece of theatre but I honestly don't know if it was real.

No matter. Everyone at HAL seemed happy as they whisked Princess Maxima out of the theatre to great applause and the captain made ready to set off on the ship's maiden voyage.

It's a funny one as about 150 travel agents and journalists, myself included, from around the world are on the ship for a three-night cruise from Venice to Dubrovnik and back.

The rest of the 1,900 or so passengers on board with us - the ship holds 2,106 - have bought a 10-night cruise that includes a day back in Venice while they drop us off, before the ship heads back into the Adriatic for a cruise to the Greek Isles and to make HAL's first visit to Kotor in Montenegro.

It will then spend the rest of the summer sailing 12-night cruises, either round-trip from Venice or between Venice and Barcelona, before relocating to the Caribbean for winter,

It's a busy start to the week for the cruising industry with P&O Cruises playing host as four finalists in GMTV's Chefs at Sea contest do battle on Ventura and HRH The Duchess of Cornwall popping in to visit Cunard's Queen Victoria, when the ship calls at Liverpool today.

The GMTV finalists embarked Ventura in Southampton on Saturday and are sailing a week-long cruise to Lisbon as they cook their way through a series of food tasks on board and on shore in a bid to take the top prize - a family cruise in the Caribbean on Ventura with a private cooking masterclass with Marco Pierre White.

All the action will be aired live from Ventura on GMTV every morning this week between 7am and 9am. If you missed today's, be sure to tune in tomorrow.

Meanwhile, The Duchess, who named Queen Victoria in December 2007, will be cutting a cake to help celebrate the 170th anniversary of Cunard's first ship setting out from Liverpool in July 1840.

At noon, she will sound the whistle from the Bridge.

I'm always a little scathing about people who profess they "always get lost" on a cruise ship, even when they are about to disembark after a week on board.

It's like they have an overwhelming desire to prove how stupid they are.

But I almost understand passengers getting confused on Holland America Line's Veendam. My daughter and I are on deck nine and in cabin 184 on this cruise from New York to Bermuda.

Cabins on deck four begin with a seven or eight.

Make sense of that!

Seems I am not the only one interested in the Titanic. A centenary cruise organised by Miles Morgan Travel is almost sold out - and there are still about 20 months before it sets off.

The cruise, on Fred Olsen Cruise Line's Balmoral, leaves Southampton on April 8 2012, exactly 100 years after the ill-fated ship set its course for New York.

People from all over the world have booked, including relatives of those who died, historians and people who are just interested in the Titanic story. Prices for the last remaining cabins start from £3,350 per person including the one-way flight back from New York.

Interestingly, Balmoral itself has hardly had a history of smooth sailing. I just hope it makes the crossing without losing too many passengers to the dreaded Norovirus vomiting bug.

A while back there was talk that Star Clippers was going to build another sailing vessel. Then all went quiet - until yesterday.

I joined Captain Yurii Kuschenko, master of the 170-passenger Star Flyer, for dinner last evening as we sailed from Portoferraio on the island of Elba to Lirici in Italy, and he told me the new ship is back on the drawing board.

With capacity for 450 passengers, it will be much bigger than Star Clippers' other three ships and apparently not able to sail quite as much as a result (his words, not mine).

At which news a fellow passenger at the Captain's table said: "Ugh. 450 passengers. Too big."

I didn't dare tell him about Oasis of the Seas!

I know we shouldn't laugh when other nationalities make a mistake speaking English. Heaven knows I have probably made enough howlers in my time trying to speak another language.

But there are just those few times when something is said and you have to stop and think "what on earth does that mean?"

It happened when I was on MSC Poesia this week, during the gnocchi cookery demo. The chef only spoke Italian so cruise director Anna, from Holland I believe, translated.

All was going well until we were told we have to put two axe in the mix. Now I can think of several things to do with an axe, but none have much to do with making gnocchi.

My thanks to Massimo from MSC Cruises, who was on my left and able to explain they were eggs. He knew because when he was growing up his job every Sunday was to help his mother make the gnocchi for lunch!

The other WHAT??? moment was when I was cruising with Star Clippers last week, on a excursion to Pompeii from Star Flyer. At one place I was unable to hear the guide, Cecilia, an Austrian living in Italy, so when she had finished and everyone had gone to look around, I asked what we were looking at.

"It's the house of the dancing phone," she replied.

I know the Romans left us with many things, but I was pretty sure phones were not one of them. "Dancing what?" I asked, more than a little bewildered. "Phone," she replied.

There comes a point when it's embarrassing to keep asking but in this instance I really had to know. Phone was just so unlikely! Finally we got there, mainly because some of the other passengers had come back and helped me out. It was a dancing faun.

Cecilia was clearly irritated that I had dared to ask anything, as she was when anyone asked a question, which left a very bad taste.

As did the fact it took us two hours to get from the ship in Sorrento to Pompeii, after messing about with tenders, coaches, more coaches and toilet stops, which left us with just one hour, 10 minutes on the site.

That was barely time to see anything, especially as she translated everything into German (although I'll swear everyone on the tour spoke English).

I tell all this because a) it is quite funny looking back and b) it shows how hit and miss cruise ship excursions can be. Two I did with Seabourn a couple of weeks ago were great.

This was definitely the worst 120 euros (60 per person) I've spent in a long while.

Have you has good, bad or indifferent cruise ship excursions? Drop me a line and let me know.

Venice has been voted top of the cruise ports for Brits for the second year running in a poll by YouGov to celebrate National Cruise Week, which runs from September 19-26.

Nearly one in eight of all those surveyed said it was their favourite port, giving it 12% of the vote.

New York came second with 9%, toppling Barcelona, which was last year's number two. This time it came in at number three with 7% of the votes.

YouGov also asked people which celebrity they would most like to cruise with. Jennifer Aniston came first at 8%, with Johnny Depp at 6%. However, 53% said they would rather take their partner. How sweet!

However, Depp needn't worry too much. His alter-ego, Captain Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean films, was first choice when people were asked who they would like to escort them to dinner on the Captain's Table.

YouGov surveyed 2,101 adults, of which 444 had been on a cruise, from September 1-3. The polls were commissioned by the Passenger Shipping Association.

There are all sorts of good reasons for taking a cruise, not least the fact that it's the best - as in easiest - way to visit a lot of exciting places. South America for one, Alaska for another.

You'll be able to find out all about them at the CRUISE Show * in Birmingham in a couple of weeks, but to whet your appetite before the doors open, I bring you the 10 hot places to explore on a cruise in 2011 as compiled by Cruise Critic, the cruise reviews website.

It's a comprehensive list, but if you're feeling more adventurous, don't forget there are exciting cruises to Antarctica and the Arctic, around the Galapagos, up the Amazon River and around Asia. You'll be able to find out about all these - and more - at the show.

Have fun exploring!
 
Australia It's a huge country and the popular tourist spots are often hundreds of miles apart. However, you can avoid long coach tours, time-consuming drives and expensive internal flights, by taking a cruise and stop at all the best tourist spots -- from the Great Barrier Reef to Sydney harbour.
 
Vietnam/Cambodia Vietnam and Cambodia offer beautiful scenery and vibrant cultures but making your own travel arrangements to tour these exotic destinations can be daunting. A cruise along the Mekong River is an excellent way to enjoy these two countries, without forgoing too many home comforts.
 
Middle East A cruise is a gentle introduction to the region and an easy way to explore this part of the world. You'll be able to experience the sights, cultures and traditions from a number of countries and retreat to the familiar surroundings each evening onboard ship.
 
Alaska Unless you have the constitution of a husky dog, a cruise is the easiest and most relaxing way to enjoy this beautiful, but uncompromising region. The views from the water are spectacular and often the best way to see wildlife and reach the coastal towns and villages.
 
South America A South American cruise is the perfect way to explore ports in Chile, Argentina, Brazil and beyond. Travellers get a taste of the rugged, natural beauty, vibrant cities and wonderful cultures, while enjoying the comfort, safety and ease of travelling by ship.
 
Northern Europe Viewing the Norwegian fjords or visiting St Petersburg by ship is not only a great holiday, but the inclusive pricing offered by cruise lines -- which includes meals, accommodation and transportation -- can make Russia and Norway much more affordable.
 
Western Mediterranean The Med is a top choice for Brits looking for a holiday in the sun. A cruise, however, not only offers a new way to experience this region, but you'll enjoy a new town, city or beaches every day.
 
British Isles Traffic and over-priced accommodation are reason enough to cruise around the UK, but more importantly you get an entirely new perspective on your own country, as well as the opportunity to visit out-of-the-way places such as the Orkney Islands.
 
Europe's Rivers River cruising has brushed up its image, added some wonderful new ships and more active excursions, which means that it now offers excellent value compared to going it alone in the Eurozone. It's a great option for visiting a handful of countries in a single trip.
 
Caribbean If there's one thing better than spending a day on a beautiful Caribbean island, it's spending the next day (and the day after that) on another. It's expensive and time-consuming to fly between islands, so take a Caribbean cruise and let someone else worry about the travel arrangements.

* The CRUISE Show is at the NEC in Birmingham on October 16 and 17. Tickets cost £6 per person if booked in advance or £10 at the door. Book here or call the ticket hotline on 0871 620 4024. Under 16s go in for free.

In a flag-changing ceremony today, Royal Caribbean International will become the proud owner of Allure of the Seas, the world's largest cruise ship.

Yes, I know Royal already owns Oasis of the Seas, the world's largest cruise ship when it launched last November. But that was then.

Their new baby, Allure of the Seas, is 5mm bigger so sorry Oasis, you've just lost your crown.

Does size matter? Well I'll tell you after I've been on board Allure next month.

Richard Fain, Royal's chairman and CEO is out in Turku, Finland, now for the handover, and reports that all is unusually calm ahead of a handover because the work is so well advanced.

I love the way he compares his wife to a 225,282-ton ship...

"My last visit here [Turku] was over a month ago and the change is startling. I've drawn an analogy to the process my wife goes through when she gets dressed. There is a lot of preparation and organization which seems to take forever. Then at the end, the final pieces of livery and jewelry go on and the transformation is complete."

...and then redeems himself absolutely...

"In both cases (that of my wife and the ALLURE) the result is breathtaking."

What a charmer!

Heard the one about the British passenger who tried to claim £2,000 from a cruise line because he said he had to take a couple of dresses belonging to his companion to the dry-cleaners after they were damaged during their cruise.

Apparently the receipts he provided looked a little - how can I put it - fake. So a budding Hercule Poirot from the cruise line donned Homburg and moustache and went in search of the addresses at the top of the receipts.
 
Turns out there's a conference centre where the dry cleaning shop should be, while the dress shop doesn't exist.
 
A true story, which is why I'm not giving away any names.

If he wants to try any more scams, might I suggest he gets a little more a-dress sense!

I had to smile at this.

Eric Goldring, owner of US-based Goldring Travel, fears Silversea is compromising its all-inclusive product by charging passengers on its newest cruise ship Silver Spirit $18 to rent a soft porn movie.

"I am not so concerned about the type of movie, but the fact that Silversea is charging for it.

"When does finding ways to charge (extra cost dining, extra cost saki, extra cost unrequested charity donations, etc) begin to degrade the product of Silversea?"

He says he does not believe charging for movies - blue or otherwise - is appropriate.

Maybe not, but if he blew his principles (ahem!) I'm guessing he would be smiling too.

That's it from me for a few days.

Have a great Christmas and here's to a year of Happy Cruising!

Four people have been kicked off Cunard's Queen Mary 2 after refusing to comply with quarantine regulations following an outbreak of norovirus on the ship.

Cruise Critic says Cunard spokeswoman Jackie Chase confirmed four passengers refused to obey ship protocol and remain in their cabins for 48 hours after consulting with the ship's medical team.

"Therefore, after having explained the situation to them, and in accordance with our booking conditions and with the health and safety of all of our guests uppermost in mind, we had no choice but to ask them to disembark the ship in Curacao."

Unruly passengers are plaging Cunard. In October last year, a wealthy Manhattan couple aged 82 and 91 were confined to their cabins on QM2, without alcohol, until the ship reached New York after a drunken spat with other passengers in the dining room.

Their passengers clearly aren't what they used to be.

The so-called vomiting bug has been whizzing around QM2 since before Christmas, affecting 167 of the 2,483 passengers during its 16-night Caribbean cruise ending January 3.

Cunard says the outbreak is pretty much under control, but one Cruise Critic member on the ship confirms they are still on red alert, with "no drinks menus on the tables and no nibbles given automatically".

Another says his 12-year-old son was confined to his cabin on Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and part of Boxing Day.

It's been a happy Christmas and New Year cruise then.

Made all the more joyous, apparently, by guest speaker John Prescott, who upset passengers during his talk with his "below decks" humour.

Seems that since his talk, Lord and Lady Prescott have not even been seen in the Queen's Grill, reserved for first-class passengers, which apparently he was deemed to be by Cunard.

Were they just too embarrassed to leave their first-class cabin or had they contracted norovirus and been quarantined? Cunard was not saying.

Perhaps they were too embarrassed as well.

The papers were full of news that Kenny Dalglish was appointed manager of Liverpool Football Club at the weekend.

What they neglected to mention was that the appointment was confirmed when Kenny was celebrity guest speaker on Silversea's ship, Silver Wind.

He was on a seven-night cruise round-trip from Dubai, entertaining the ship's 290 passengers with stories of his career when hasty plans had to be made for him to fly home early from Bahrain.

Given his team went on to lose 1-0 to Man U on Sunday, I wonder why he bothered. Bet he does too!

I'm not one to gossip but I think Azamara Club Cruises, the upmarket two-ship brand owned by Royal Caribbean Cruises, could be close to ordering a new ship.

Larry Pimentel, their CEO, was in London last week to talk about how the cruise line has been faring since he made some seismic changes last year.

The word Club was added to the name, wine with dinner and gratuities were included in the price, English-trained butlers were provided for suite people and they started keeping the ships late or overnight in ports so passengers could see more of  the places they are visiting.

And then he said he would like to end his career building small ships. Azamara's two ships each hold 694 passengers. And he mentioned the second quarter next year.

I think that means watch this space.

More imminent, it would seem, is a new ship order from Royal Caribbean International.

Richard Fain, Royal Caribbean's chairman, confirmed they would ordering more ships when I was on Allure of the Seas last year but he gave the strongest hint yet that something was happening during a recent earnings call.

"We have been working intensively on developing a design that reflects our innovative spirit, but in an efficient package and we think that we are near to an acceptable outcome."

The rumour is they are developing a new series of ships, smaller than the Oasis-class monsters they have just launched, and that the order will go to Meyer-Werft, the German shipyard in Papenburg that built Disney Dream and the Celebrity Solstice-class ships.

My thanks to good friends David and Jo, who I met on a Silversea cruise around India a couple of years ago, for this picture of one day in St Maarten in the Caribbean.

On the right, there's Celebrity Solstice, the first ship to have a real grass lawn on its top deck, and Royal Caribbean International's Oasis of the Seas, the world's biggest cruise ship (a title it holds jointly with sister Allure of the Seas).

On the left there's Carnival Dream, two Princess ships (I think one is Sea Princess but I can't see the name of the other) and a very dwarfed P&O's Aurora.

By my rough reckoning they brought about 20,000 cruise passengers to the island.

What a great day for taxi drivers and t-shirt sellers!

The violins will be out in force on P&O ships today as 14 couples are married by their captains and another six renew their wedding vows.

And you thought captains only had to steer their ship and host gala dinners!

P&O points to all the romantic things couples can do on their ships today. Apart from the obvious, of course.

A Valentine dinner in Gary Rhodes restaurant on Arcadia, dinner under the Caribbean stars in Marco Pierre White's eatery on Ventura. On Azura, they can have a classic date of old and go to the flicks (the ship has a big poolside screen).

Call me finicky, but somehow "kissin' and a huggin in the back row of the movies" doesn't sound so romantic when you're outside, on plastic sunloungers and everyone around can see what you're doing.

Did you know that people who turned 21 in 1981 will be turning 50 this year. Well of course you did, if it was something you bothered to think about.

I admit I didn't until Saga reminded me at a gathering in London the other evening.

Age is important to Saga, and especially the second coming of age, as they like to call hitting 50, because that's when you can start to travel with them.

Now before all you over-50s out there switch off, swearing blind you are not old enough to cruise with Saga, I'll let you into a secret.

That's what I thought until last year, when I cruised on Saga Pearl II, an old ship they bought and spent on a fortune on (and actually it's true, I wasn't old enough to cruise with Saga, but they gave me special dispensation, all in the interests of research).

You can read my report about the cruise, published in the Daily Telegraph, here, but suffice to say I am going back on Pearl in a couple of days.

But more on that later. For now, back to the 1980s.

In a fun film, we were reminded how many similarities there were between then and now. The country was an economic basketcase, unemployment was rising and people were going on Saga holidays.

But boy, have attitudes changed.

In the 1980s, the over-50s were prepared to do without a holiday if they couldn't afford it, according to research group Populus. Today no one wants to give up on holidays, financial crisis or not.

In the 1980s, the over-50s went on holiday in the UK and Europe; now they want to go to the US, Australia, Nepal, Africa and Bolivia.

No wonder Saga has dropped coach holidays to Brighton in favour of tours in Borneo.

Susan Hooper, Saga's boss, admitted their problem is trying to persuade Saga sceptics that the company is not all about old people on holiday.

It's what that great TV ad they had on recently was all about and, I guess, why they chose to wine and dine us at the Sanctum Soho Hotel (which is not actually in Soho but is very trendy).

It must have so upset their chef that instead of some pretentious-sounding dish with "jus", Saga wanted them to serve cheese-and-pineapple on sticks and yummy sausage rolls. The food of the '80s, Susan reminded us.

If so, bring back the '80s. Not for the cheese. But those sausage rolls went like hot cakes - and were still being talked about at a Celebrity Cruises gathering the next day!

Some cruise lines entertain passengers with rock-climbing walls and water slides; Saga Cruises does it by finding things floating in the water.

Namely the bow of what looked like a speedboat sticking out of the water somewhere off the western tip of Cuba.

Thank goodness the watch on the bridge did spot it, mind, as Saga Pearl II could have had a Titanic moment if we'd hit it, just without the iceberg.

The captain turned around to have a closer look, used the bow thrusters to lift the nose out of the water a bit and after about 15 minutes decided it came from Florida (the FL on the bow gave it away) and there wasn't much he could do.

So much to my disappointment - I so wanted him to lift it out of the water to see what was on board; a body maybe, or drugs? - he announced he had he alerted the coast guard, put Saga Pearl II into gear and sailed off.

The excitement of the day was over. Time to go back to the book.

You know something is wrong when the captain comes on the loudspeaker in your cabin at 9am and asks everyone for their attention please.

And so started Sunday morning on Saga Pearl II, a day at sea as we sailed to Santiago de Cuba.

When I heard Alistair McLundie, master of SPII, sounding very grave I feared for Santiago.

In fact, Saga's insurers had said we were not allowed to call at La Guaira in Venezuela, from where I was going to visit Caracas, so we are visiting Aruba instead.

As we are already scheduled to go to Curacao, it means we are doing A and C of the so-called Dutch ABC islands (B is for Bonaire).

I joined this cruise for the Cuba calls so didn't mind too much but of course people complained. "But I only came on this cruise for Caracas."

Yeah right. Only when they realised a bit of compensation might be in the offing. They must think Saga is carac-as.

It meant the captain felt the need to make another announcement at lunchtime, basically repeating everything he had already said but not adding anything because, he claimed, he is not allowed to divulge why the insurers have a downer on Venezuela.

Still it gave us something to talk about over the roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. Yes really. Well it was Sunday lunchtime and this is an all-British Saga ship!

My old friend Grand Princess - it was the ship I got married on - was moored at the entrance to the harbour as Saga Pearl II sailed into Curacao on Thursday.

Unless Grand follows us to Aruba, it'll be the last time I see the ship before it goes for a major facelift in the Bahamas that includes adding a pizzeria and new steak and seafood restaurant, and removing the rear spoiler, where they have the nightclub.

The new-look Grand arrives in Southampton on May 21, ready to start a summer and autumn season of cruises to the Med and Northern Europe.

Royal Caribbean International's Grandeur of the Seas - which will be sailing the Med from Palma de Mallorca this summer - followed us into the harbour and we moored just behind Freewinds, a cruise ship operated by US company Majestic Cruise Lines.

Grand holds 2,500 passengers, Grandeur 2,446, Freewinds about 360, while Saga Pearl II has about 420 on board, so between them, the four ships brought about 6,000 people to the island on one day.

No wonder our guide Elmer and all the Curacao locals were in such a happy mood.

Some people collect t-shirts when they travel, others pick up fridge magnets. I like to collect beers.

Not to bring home, you understand, but there's nothing I like better than to find a nice bar with a view, order the local brew and sit and watch the world go by.

On this cruise on Saga Pearl II, I've had Cristal beer in Cuba, Red Stripe in Jamaica and, well, Amstel in Curacao because it is the local brew - just like in Holland.

I should not have been surprised given the island is the Netherlands in miniature - the delightful gabled houses, the Dutch official language, the government, the education, even the rain (which was torrential at times). All that's missing are dykes and Edam cheese, although I'd have probably found it had I looked.

The island is not exactly teeming with things to do and places to see. As I've seen the city before, I did a trip to the Hato Caves, about 30 minutes from the capital, Willemstad, where there are stalactites and stalagmites, but in half an hour we'd seen them.

"We call that column the cathedral because it looks like a cathedral," the guide at the caves said, flashing her torch and setting the tone for the rest of the tour. That was when we could understand her. I'm sure most of the time she was speaking Papiamento, the unofficial local language.

Historically the island is hardly degree course stuff. The Dutch came in search of salt in 1634, found a deep harbour - it's the seventh deepest in the world - where they could hide their ships and decided to stay.

Napoleon came along at the end of the 1780s, took over the island for the French, but after about 15 years they were kicked out by the British at the request of the Dutch.

"Britannia ruled the waves," Elmer, our guide, noted to the delight of my fellow Saga passengers, some of whom probably remember when we did.

The Dutch then bought the island back and that's how it's been ever since. It's relatively crime-free and very prosperous as it has a huge oil refinary.

But what it lacks in sights and history, it makes up for in looks. Sailing into the harbour, past the colourful gabled houses and through the only floating swing bridge in the world that is still operating, is a real treat.

So is sitting by the waterside having an Amstel beer and yummy chicken wings courtesy of the Iguana Cafe and Gerry, a lovely guy from Suriname in South America, who decided to share his lunch with me.

It's a hard life but someone has to do it!